Thursday, July 5, 2012

Friday Feedback: Writing is a Mostly Solitary Thing (and a few p.s.'s)

Yesterday, at one of the beaches I swim at. . .
Writing, at its best, is a lonely life. Organizations for writers palliate the writer's loneliness, but I doubt if they improve his writing. He grows in public stature as he sheds his loneliness and often his work deteriorates. For he does his work alone and if he is a good enough writer he must face eternity, or the lack of it, each day. - Ernest Hemingway


I'm not sure I agree with all of this, but for sure, I agree with some.

Writing is a hard, mostly-solitary thing.

Our friends and family members can only "just please read this one little thing" so many times before they grow weary; they can only be enthusiastic and cheer us on in spurts, for finite periods of time. 

Most of us, even once published, are not rock stars.

Oprah isn't calling.

Not even NPR.

The first book event I went to as an almost-published YA author illuminated this clearly. It was one of David Levithan's terrific Teen Author Readings at the New York Public Library.

After the event, I stood at the base of those magestic steps and watched David (!!) chat with Libba (!! I mean, need I even use a last name?) and some other well-respected and prolific YA authors.

And, guess, what?

Except for the bloggers and few readers who had specifically come for the event, not a soul on those crowded steps stopped to ask for an autograph, acknowledged them, or even seemed to know who they were.

“Writing is a lonely job. Even if a writer socializes regularly, when he gets down to the real business of his life, it is he and his type writer or word processor. No one else is or can be involved in the matter.” - Isaac Asimov

SO, here we are again, together, alone, on yet another Friday.

It's just us today -- no exciting guest authors, no fanfare, no gimmicks.

Just you, and me, and our words. . .

As we reach the halfway mark in our Teachers Write! program, I've watched so many of you come out of your shells, brim with excitement, step into the mix believing that maybe -- just maybe -- you have something to say, in your unique voice, that actually adds to the world-of-writing conversation.

And, guess what? Maybe you actually do!

But how to maintain the momentum?

How to keep yourself going when there are no daily facebook posts, no tweets, no constant commenting in the blogs?

How to keep going when the writing grows quiet?

Notwithstanding what Hemingway said, one way is critique groups. And, another social media. But in the end, the encouragement is fleeting, and then you are left with nothing but your belief in yourself, and your desire to tell the story, and to put together the words.

This is how it is. We all struggle with it. But we know, in the end, you can't write for the fanfare or the applause. You can't even count on being read.

In the end, you write because you must, or because you want to and love how it makes you feel.

Often, sans feedback.

Almost always, sans Oprah.

And, sans cheering fans and applause.


But, luckily . . . not today.

Today I will cheer for you.

Find that shiny gem of your words.

And, happily egg you on.


So, here we go. Friday Feedback. You KNOW the RULES.

Today, I'll strip back to basics: the opening of one of my WIP's.  Does it hook you?  If yes, why? If no, why not?


I look forward to reading your words.

- gae


Week One
                                                                            
Dad and I are walking through Soho. The day is bright and brisk.
As we talk, our breath puffs out in front of us like steam from the street vents.
We pass the familiar streets of the village – Broome, Spring, Prince – and head north on West Broadway. The sky turns cold and dusky, and overcast.
Sarah is with me now, snow falling. The Empire State building looms ahead, pink and surreal, in all its February glory.
Sarah twirls toward me and smiles. Snowflakes catch in her black hair, white stars that melt away.
Dad laughs at something, and Sarah takes my hand. Everything is perfect.
Except, no. That’s not right.
We’re not in Soho, or uptown.
There is no Empire State Building.
And Sarah and Dad are gone.
No one is here.
Just me and this woman, in this room.
I scratch my at my ear. “Try not to do that,” she says.
---

p.s. speaking of NOT lonely, we are gearing up for our first Teachers Write Progress Pool Party Chat & Read Aloud. If you are a participating member of Teachers Write! and want to participate, and haven't checked in, please do so HERE and FOLLOW ME and Jen Vincent on Spreecast!

p.p.s. If you have been enjoying Friday Feedback, I would love a return favor. If your local library, doesn't carry The Pull of Gravity, please ask them to order it in. If you have read it and liked it -- and reviewed it on Goodreads, especially -- please post that review on Amazon. It helps us authors more there -- some magic Amazon sales algorithm. And especially heading into this stretch prior to paperback, I could really use to keep my book moving. Thank you. <3

p.p.p.s. Speaking of my paperback, if you want to see a sneak peek at the paperback cover, suddenly, it is up there! ;)

81 comments:

  1. I absolutely was hooked reading this. I reread it again to see exactly what hooked me and noticed that the imagery was easy to see in my mind and I was totally surprised with the switch at the end. Great hook!!!

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    1. Thanks, Valerie! And congrats for being first here. Your email is in the mail. ;)

      xo

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  2. HOOKED! I liked the figurative language (especially "Snowflakes catch in her black hair, white stars that melt away.") and the smack of reality at the end. Where is this MC and where are Dad and Sarah?

    Okay...this is the beginning of Ch 3 of my current WIP:

    “OMG!!!!!!!!!! <3 =)” appeared on my cell phone screen about three minutes before Alice shows up on my door step. This is immediately followed by, “OH. MY. GOD! Tell me everything!”

    “Slow down there, chica,” I say. “Take a breath. There’s not much to tell: Chris called, we talked, and I said I’d get back to him.” I try to sound nonchalant about the whole thing, but judging by the enormous smile taking over Alice’s face, she has completely disregarded my tone.

    “C’mon Lauren! Are ya gonna make me beg? I want details,” cries Alice, “ALL of them!”
    I really hate that little demanding whine in her voice when she’s desperate for information. She kind of reminds me of that Veruca Salt girl in Willy Wonka—you know, “I want it NOW!”

    “Okay, I admit we have a lot in common, but that doesn’t mean we’re hooking up,” I tell her in a firm voice I hope she’ll take seriously, and just for good measure, look her straight in the eyes with slightly raised eye brows. Surprisingly she doesn’t press the issue, but I know she will eventually and probably much sooner than I want.

    Relieved for the moment from the potential Chris drama I know is brewing in her head, we cruise into the living room to hang out and watch a movie. Alice likes coming to my house to watch movies primarily because we have a fifty-two inch flat screen with surround sound and a ginormous movie collection thanks to my dad’s inability to simply rent movies. He collects movies like my mom collects books.

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    1. This is very real to me, that's for sure. I have no problem envisioning this actually happening. I like how you set the pace for the dialogue in part by the words of the other speaker. "Slow down there, chica" adds to the speed at which I read the voices. I like that.

      The last two sentences feel weird to me, though. Maybe it's because I'm in this scene of these two girls talking about this boy, and then all of a sudden we're talking about Lauren's TV and her dad's movie collection. It's not that there's not a transition -- there is -- and it's not that the images are poor or anything. Something just feels off to me. I wonder if the word "cruise" could be something slower. That might help me calm down from the pace of the conversation (which the firm voice helped with), and that would allow me, as a reader, to settle into a brief description of the TV and her parents' collecting habits.

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    2. Morning peeps. :) First of all, lol to lalibrary bug who got here so fast it made my head spin. ;) Will respond to your email forthwith. :) (Yep, I just wrote forthwith).

      Before I start, can I just say how happy it makes me to see you all here? It does definitely help to take that writing loneliness away. At least for a little bit. :D

      Now, for you, Micki: I continue to love (LOVE, LOVE) this piece. In each excerpt your humor and voice shine through. That is such a huge thing. The last lines don't bother me (but bear them in mind and maybe think about tweaking that cruise word) or some other intentional distraction to move Alice away from the prying? The one thing that pops me out is the dialogue tag "cries Alice." Not only is the order formal sounding for the scene (to me) but as a general rule, the only dialogue tags that should be used (except extremely sparingly) are forms of the verb say/said. The "way" things are said should be done with the dialogue itself and here you have a perfect example. You don't need anything but says here or better yet, you don't need anything. We know it's Alice and we know it's a plaintive sort of whine from your great Veruka Salt description around it, so just start ditching those dialogue tags whenever reasonable, altogether, and certainly limit them to say (which disappears to the reader other than giving a tiny bit of "who's speaking" guidance) whenever possible.

      Keep going!

      Delete
    3. Love the texting at the beginning and the line "slow down there chica." It shows a real contrast in the two characters. The father who buys movies rather than renting them reminds me of my sister. She buys movies every Tuesday, the release date. She rarely watches them because she falls asleep in the middle, but she has hundreds. I'm not sure the friend would quit badgering for details so easily, however.

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    4. @Gae: Say more about dialogue tags, please. Your advice isn't what we English folks typically hear--or *cough* teach. I get the idea of letting the dialogue show the point/emotion, however. Are tags distracting? What do they do that we don't want?

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    5. Glenda, first of all, here's one of my favorite writing rules lists from Elmore Leonard **http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2010/feb/20/ten-rules-for-writing-fiction-part-one**

      you'll see the dialogue tag rule in there, and 9 other gems, but what it says is this: "The line of dialogue belongs to the character; the verb is the writer sticking his nose in. But "said" is far less intrusive than "grumbled", "gasped", "cautioned", "lied". I once noticed Mary McCarthy ending a line of dialogue with "she asseverated" and had to stop reading and go to the dictionary."

      Asseverated. Can you imagine? Yet who doesn't LOVE Mary McCarthy? Well, I guess maybe some. ;) Let me know if you need more. "Can we horse around with dialogue tags on another Friday Feedback?" her audience clamoured. ;)

      p.s. as mentioned last week, I think, I also notice you teachers tend to not use the contractions for I'm, she's, he's, etc. but often use I am, he is, etc. Especially in MG and YA, it is totally okay to use contractions... the long form can feel very formal. I remember learning way back when not to... but that doesn't hold in fiction anymore. Pick up any book and look... :)

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    6. Methinks this is a topic for a mini-lesson. Permission requested to cut & paste?

      (Yeah...I just said methinks, but I only did it because you said forthwith.)

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    7. Hi, Kate! Is this your first stop to FF?! Welcome! Yes, by all means cut and paste. I'm really not a "always" or "never" person, more a "rules are to be broken IF you know how" person, so I'd love to hear more thoughts on some of these rules, esp. dialogue tags. Yay!

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  3. I love how your images here are so powerful, and the opening scene so clear. . .and then that veil is lifted from our eyes, and it turns out it was all an illusion/memory/daydream, and it's just this character in what I think is a therapy session.

    Every paragraph has something very strongly visual in it, which just adds to the "wait, what?" feeling when we get to the ending lines. I love it. I'm sold.

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    1. *curtseys* thank you. :)

      on to your excerpt... reading. . . brb. ;)

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  4. Gae, it's a great beginning. It takes you from a magical, perfect time to one where scratching your ear isn't acceptable.

    In just a few words I feel so sorry for her. I want to hear her story!
    - - - -
    My piece for feedback is about a bandit attack. I struggled writing this since I know nothing about using a sword :-)

    Lira is my MC and a mage. She has only recently learned the spell she uses in this scene. Let me know what you think.

    (and YES! I feel like a lonely, isolated writer!)

    - - - - -
    Suddenly the two men captured Lira’s attention as they straightened, Jarvin reaching for the sword at his side. Barth was slower in his response but within a few heartbeats both had their weapons out and looking through the trees off to their left. Moving to her knees, Lira didn’t rise because there was a strangers suddenly rushed into their camp. Almost immediately, Jarvin took a step forward and met two of them with a clash of steel. Lira jerked at the sound and watched in horror as two others engaged Barth. Two men stood back in the shadows, their weapons drawn but not attacking.

    A feeling that she was needed enveloped Lira, but she couldn’t think of what to do. She stifled a scream when Jarvin’s sword found it’s mark and one of the men he was fighting stumbled backwards only to be replace by the other two. Barth seemed to be holding his own, but the intensity of fighting by his opponents was lacking compared to Jarvin’s.

    Suddenly one of the men lunged forward and his sword found its mark, slashing Jarvin across the leg. Jarvin stumbled, but managed to stay upright. The paralysis of fear that prevented Lira from acting fell away and she breathed deeply, gathering the power from the air around her. She then let a chain of lightning streak towards the man who had dared strike her friend. He fell with a stunned gasp, knocked back by Jarvin’s lunge. The other two jerked as the spark jumped from one bandit to the next.

    Jarvin took immediate advantage of the momentary shock, slashing one in the side and then stepping closer, a movement too quick to follow disarmed the other. Ramming the man with his shoulder the last one fell backwards. Without hesitation, Jarvin turned and sliced one of the men fighting Barth. Barth’s blade also struck home and soon their camp was quiet except for the hard breathing from the swordsmen and groans coming from those on the ground. Lira still crouched on the ground staring in utter horror.

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    1. Nanette, I think you've done SUCH a great job with this scene -- way better than I could have done with sword play and making the action come alive (and keeping the parties straight and visible which is tough)! The best part is, looking with an objective third eye, one of the easiest next steps to do with this piece -- and any "action" piece is to remove any unneeded words -- which in one quick edit, can make the pace move faster. So, I'm going to just horse around with one of my superspeed flash edits. Ready, set, go! (I'm posting it first with my comments/explanations, then again, in a second comment, without):

      The two men captured Lira’s attention as they straightened, Jarvin reaching for the sword at his side. Barth was slower but, within a few heartbeats, both had their weapons out and (aimed?) through the trees (if the "left" matters here, add it back in, but often those left/right directions aren't germane to the scene and just send our brain scrambling to find positions that don't make or break anything... so maybe just through the trees is swifter and enough?). Lira dropped to her knees as the strangers rushed the camp. (rushed implies suddenly. You don't need it. Especially here, and you have it thrice in this excerpt ;) Suddenly is one of those words to be avoided as much as possible according to common wisdom... i think because it's a crutch and almost becomes cliche? I've left it once below... you may decide) Jarvin took a step forward and met two of them with a clash of steel. Lira jerked at the sound, and watched in horror as two others engaged Barth. Two men stood back in the shadows, their weapons drawn, but held.

      Enveloped in fear, Lira felt helpless. She stifled a scream when Jarvin’s sword found its mark. The man stumbled backwards, only to be replaced by two others. (Maybe add a transition with Lira's eyes scanning to Barth so we know the two men are fighting separate groups?) Barth seemed to hold his own, but his opponents' intensity lacked compared to the men attacking Jarvin.

      Suddenly one of the men lunged forward and his sword found its mark, slashing Jarvin across the leg. Jarvin stumbled, but managed to stay upright. (At the sight of Jarvin wounded?) the paralysis that had stopped Lira fell away, and she breathed deeply, gathering power from the air around her. She (is the chain of lightning her sword? Or is it a power? If the former, need a sword cue? e.g. "raised her ___ and..." if not, we'd know from prior context/story) let a chain of lightning streak towards the man who had dared strike her friend. He fell with a stunned gasp, knocked back by Jarvin’s lunge. The other men jerked as the spark jumped from one bandit to the next.

      Jarvin took immediate advantage of the shock, slashing one in the side and, with a movement too quick to follow, disarming the other,and ramming him with his shoulder till he fell. Without hesitation, Jarvin turned and sliced one of the men fighting Barth. Barth’s blade also struck home, and soon their camp was quiet except for the hard breathing from the swordsmen and groans coming from those on the ground. Lira (it can't be "still crouched" because she had gotten up, right?) crouched back, staring in utter horror.

      Delete
    2. Here's the clean version (first time ever, I exceeded comment length rules ;)):

      The two men captured Lira’s attention as they straightened, Jarvin reaching for the sword at his side. Barth was slower but, within a few heartbeats, both had their weapons out and aimed through the trees. Lira dropped to her knees as the strangers rushed the camp.

      Jarvin took a step forward and met two of them with a clash of steel. Lira jerked at the sound and watched in horror as two others engaged Barth. Two men stood back in the shadows, their weapons drawn, but held.

      Enveloped in fear, Lira felt helpless. She stifled a scream when Jarvin’s sword found its mark, and he stumbled backwards, only to be replaced by two other men. Barth seemed to hold his own, but his opponents' intensity lacked compared to the men attacking Jarvin.

      Suddenly one of the men lunged forward and his sword found its mark, slashing Jarvin across the leg. Jarvin stumbled, but managed to stay upright. The paralysis that had stopped Lira fell away, and she breathed deeply, gathering power from the air around her. She let a chain of lightning streak towards the man who had dared strike her friend. He fell with a stunned gasp, knocked back by Jarvin’s lunge. The other men jerked as the spark jumped from one bandit to the next.

      Jarvin took immediate advantage of the shock, slashing one in the side and, with a movement too quick to follow, disarming the other,and ramming him with his shoulder till he fell. Without hesitation, Jarvin turned and sliced one of the men fighting Barth. Barth’s blade also struck home and soon their camp was quiet except for the hard breathing from the swordsmen and groans coming from those on the ground. Lira crouched back, staring in utter horror.

      Thoughts?

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    3. Yeah! You made some great adjustments, but not so many that I feel like I failed :-)

      On my "to do list" is to read my manuscript and get rid of unneeded adverbs. I hope to read the whole thing aloud and fix any areas I stumble over.

      I am 70 percent of my way through the first edit. (I have to keep track of those things, it keeps me motivated.) I hope to have that done by the end of July. Then I have to go back and work on some consistency issues. Then read aloud and pray that I'm almost finished.

      Thanks for your help. As a lonely writer, your opinion is very important to me!

      Nanette

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    4. No, quite the opposite! You succeeded so well, all I had to do was yank some of your words out, and shift a few, and it just got more shiny. That's only easy when the shine is already there. :)

      Keep going. Don't stop for revisions now!!!

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    5. You make me feel great. The first draft is done. 80,000 words. Right now I'm revising a battle scene that takes place over the course of four days. Lira is now "trained" and can do a lot more magical damage.

      I have learned so much in the last six months. I almost want to go teach a creative writing class... but alas, I'm not qualified.

      Delete
  5. This is from the opening scenes of my WIP.

    I walk back home, the rosy fingertips of dawn just barely tickling the horizon. Mom will be up soon, and September, too. Someone’s going to have to make her oatmeal, and it sure ain’t going to be Mom or Dad.

    It’s not that they’re lazy. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Mom is just almost always hungover, and she barely scrapes her feet out the door in time to get to school. How she can teach like that I will never know. Dad has his hands full with her, and then has to get off to the Council Center. September just sort of falls through the cracks. Which means she is left to me.

    I don’t mind it, of course. I would do anything for my little sister. But sooner or later, she’s going to have to figure things out for herself. The final Outsider Badge trials are coming up, and after that, I can’t guarantee my schedule. I may be gone for days at a time.

    It makes me shudder, the thought of leaving her with them – essentially on her own. But I have my prophecy. And she has hers. I just hope it’s not death by neglect.

    I start a fire outside, and put the pot on to boil. After the run in this humidity, I’m really glad it’s my turn to shower.

    “Pee-yoo! What is that awful stench?” September greets me, nice and warm like always.

    “And a good morning to you, too, little sis! What are you doing up so early?”

    “I had a bad dream and couldn’t get back to sleep. Then I smelled your lovely arrival, so I figured I could get up.” That’s my sister. She can’t make her own oatmeal, but she can dish out the dirt with the best of them. She takes right after her mom.

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    1. Brian,

      How much fun to see the OPENING of your WIP! Or, at least the current opening, as we all know (or should know) that openings are subject to change. ;)

      I love a few things in here -- you have a great deal of subtle intrigue quickly developing -- the mother who teaches but drinks, the Dad who seems like he might have an interesting/important job with the Council, your MC's trials coming up, and the sister's falling through the cracks. = hook, hook, hook. Just what is needed in an opening.

      I'm a bit curious about the boy and whether you intend some of the flowery language to, well, sound flowery for a boy? e.g. "fingertips of dawn tickling the horizon" the word "essentially" vs. very boy-feeling, curt, strong language choices like this: "Someone’s going to have to make her oatmeal, and it sure ain’t going to be Mom or Dad." and this: "But I have my prophecy. And she has hers. I just hope it’s not death by neglect." which work for me without reserve. :)

      All in all, great stuff here. Intrigued! Keep going!

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    2. I liked this. Took me a long time to figure out that September was a person, not a month. I felt like she had to hurry home and make oatmeal for her Mom.

      You might consider adding the words 'my little sis' before you use September the first time. (but then Gae did say I have extra words I need to get rid of... )

      I want to know what the prophecies are. Is this something incredible? or just a passing phrase like destiny?

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    3. "(but then Gae did say I have extra words I need to get rid of... )"

      Lol, Nanette, they're not necessarily mutually exclusive... ;) And I agree, the name September popped me out for a second, but I quickly adjusted. A cue might be nice right there. :)

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    4. also, everyone please remember, my "quick" edits are nothing more than "food for thought." They can be thrown out altogether! You can pick and choose what you like. YOU are the master of your writing and it is your voice. I don't know everything.

      Some days, I don't know anything. :)

      True story. <3

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    5. Thanks for the feedback :-)

      Gae, I didn't even think about the flowery language from his voice. I need to pay a lot closer attention to that. That description is something I would like to use, but you're right; it's not something Tim would say (oh, and his name's Tim, by the way -- that didn't make it into this scene).

      Nanette, I appreciate the thoughts re: September. I'm not sure why I chose that as her name, which makes me want to keep it even more. I tried to refer to her as "her" soon after mentioning the name, to avoid too much confusion, but that "her" could also refer to the mom. . .I'll have to find another way to make the reader aware that September is a distinct person.

      As for the prophecies, I want to know what they are, too! I have a pretty strong idea about them (they're sort of important to the plot), but as I flesh out more of the details, I keep having to tweak what they actually are. I'm excited to find out what they are. But I can't let you know yet, because I'm not entirely sure :-)

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  6. I was with you all along, staring up at the Empire State Building, then boom! What? Where are we? Yes, hooked for sure.

    Here's the introduction of a new character in my middle grade novel:

    When I get home from school, Momma’s not home yet, so I let myself in to the trailer. As the afternoon stretches on, I decide to leave behind my Algebra homework and boring reading for history and take a break on the rope swing. First, I let Sunshine out of her coop so she can roam freely. She follows me like a puppy almost prancing to keep up with me. She loves to peck at the bugs in the dust I kick up around the swing.

    The rope swing hangs from a tall oak in our neighbor's yard. Ah, peace and quiet. While I am swinging, I look toward the empty house. The Romeros moved away about a year ago, and the house has been for sale. Nobody lives here now. The grass is tall and overgrown, tickling my bare feet.

    On the porch hidden by the screen door, I think I see a child. All I can see are eyes, big and round like white marbles, staring out at me. Still I am startled by the voice.

    "Hi, there! Whatcha' doin? Swinging?"

    A little black girl swirls off the porch and flies like a raven to my side. She wears a tattered pink dress that's too short for her long skinny legs. Her hair is plaited in braids close to her scalp. Her skin is as dark as a moonless night. She runs around me and pushes me forward on the rope. I swing higher and squeal.

    "Who are you? Where did you come from?"

    "My name is Harmony, Harmony, Harmony." Harmony sings her name higher and higher on the scale. "Who are you, you, you?"

    I can't help but laugh at this cheerful child. If I had to guess, I'd say she was about 6 or 7.

    "I'm Blessen. I live right there in that double-wide with my momma, Miss Gardenia LaFleur. Are you living here now?"

    "Oh, well, it's all just temporary. We'll see, we'll see. Will you swing me high?"

    I unwrap my legs from the rope and hoist Harmony up.

    "Hold on tight!" I swing Harmony gently at first. Then she begs me to swing her higher.

    She throws her head back and says, "Whee!"

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    1. Oh, Margaret!

      You have found some wonderful, strong characters and a voice here! Love, love, love.

      First of all, what's not to love about a chicken named Sunshine who prances like a puppy and "peck(s) at the bugs in the dust I kick up around the swing." !!

      Secondly, Harmony with her black, black skin and her sing-song voice -- what IS that child doing in that abandoned house?

      And "Blessen" with a Momma named "Gardenia LaFleur?" I am hooked, hooked, hooked, hooked, hooked. :)

      Keep going!

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    2. Hi Margaret!

      I really like this! I especially love "tickling my feet!" Your words are very vivid. I also love the scene of the trailer. Just that alone gives the reader information about her situation.

      You use "First" and I'm wondering if there will be a "second" because I've done this before. It seems that I learned somewhere you shouldn't use "first" if it's not followed by a "second". But in when writing a novel, does it matter? Does anyone care?

      Happy writing!

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    3. Dana, in Margaret's case, her "first" was not as in a list of actions, but rather a timing thing = before I went on the swing, I let Sunshine out of her coop.

      Does that help?

      If it were serving to note a list of actions done, there should be a second or a next.

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    4. Thanks for your comments. This is actually a beginning to a sequel to my young readers novel, Blessen. She is available on Amazon. Gae, I'd love to send you a copy. I'll try to locate your email on this site. You can also message me on Blessen's like page on FB: https://www.facebook.com/blessenbyMargaretSimon

      After publishing the novel, I was afraid I would lose her voice. I have had a number of people asking for more of her story. So I am working on it as terrifying as it is. Your love of her helps push me on to keep writing. Thanks.

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  7. Let me start by saying I adore the imagery. I love the white snow and the black hair.

    I also love how you switch to single line paragraphs at the end, which really bumps up the impact.

    I didn't find the first line or two to really grab me, though the fact that the rest of it turns around so quickly means that it may not be necessary to have a super high impact first line.

    I'm definitely curious about Dad, Sarah, and the woman the MC is now with.

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  8. I was confused at first because I was picturing you and dad and then suddenly Sarah was there and then I couldn't remember if one can see the Empire from Soho. Then I was kind of thrilled when you turned it on its head and assumed you were in the hospital or something. Very interested to learn more.

    I am the Vice President of my library board and already asked them to buy your book, Joanne Levy's book, and Kate's.

    Here is my piece...

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    1. My stepfather and I are going fishing! Just the two of us for a whole day.

      We choose our lures and my stepdad ties them to the fishing line at the end of our poles. He makes sure I am in a spot that is flat and has a rock for sitting. He asks me to cast once to see if I remember. Then he leaves me alone. He heads to the other side of the pond. We are alone, but feel each other there. I feel that joy again like the sun is in my chest. I smile to myself.

      Once I was kind of bored and saw a bullfrog. I started shaking the lure in front of his mouth. I wasn’t trying to be mean. I guess I didn’t think about what was really going to happen. Then with a quick snap and a gulp, he swallowed the lure. I started screaming for my stepfather. Boy was he mad. He hates that kind of thing. “What were you thinking?!” he shouted. I just stayed quiet. I might have even cried. I felt bad. I didn’t mean to hurt the frog and I know my stepdad just wanted to be fishing not fixing my messes. But I also know him well enough to know that after he got the lure out of the frog, and took some time to calm down, he’d be okay with me. It wasn’t a forever mad kind of deal. And I was right. He got the lure out and then just sat for a while retying another lure to my line. Then he started chuckling and that made me think I could smile. He said, “that’s what I love about fishing with you Fish, it’s never dull.” And that made my joy feel like a woodstove in January.

      He calls me Fish because that’s what we do together. It’s our thing. My real name isn’t Fish, but on days like this I feel like Fish and I like who I am.

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    2. Lol, I love when readers say "You" ("I was picturing you") instead of the character... especially since here, the MC is a 17-yr old male, not a 48 yr old woman. ;) I think that's easy to do when it's not within a book within the pages dressed by a cover... at any rate... off to read your excerpt, Kimberly... Happy Friday!

      Delete
    3. Kimberly, I'm doing your feedback in two comments. First, I LOVE this. I love the mood/feeling of this child - Fish - with his/her stepdad. Because the language is appropriately simple, I'm having a hard time knowing if the MC is male or female -- and I'm thinking female only because you are... so I'd like to know that (and, of course would from a cover/intro, etc.) If we aren't told yet, I guess you could also insert the character's name in that last WONDERFUL para. "My real name isn't Fish, it's _____, but on days..."

      Also, I LOVE this: It wasn’t a forever mad kind of deal. Okay, be back with a second comment... stay tuned (oh, how i build the drama!)

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    4. Okay, so a few quick comments/editing points. See my CAPS below. Not meant as yelling, just to distinguish. ;)

      My stepfather and I are going fishing! Just the two of us for a whole day.

      We choose our lures and my stepdad ties them to the fishing line at the end of our poles. He makes sure I am in a spot that is flat and has a rock for sitting. He asks me to cast once to see if I remember. Then he leaves me alone. He heads to the other side of the pond. We are alone, but feel each other there. I feel that joy again like the sun is in my chest. <--- LOVE THAT. I smile to myself.

      THIS TRANSITION CONFUSES ME. YOUR FIRST PART IS IN PRESENT TENSE. I THINK YOU'VE SWITCHED TO PAST HERE? THEN YOU REVERT TO PRESENT. PICK ONE? ;) Once I was kind of bored and saw a bullfrog. I started shaking the lure in front of his mouth. I wasn’t trying to be mean. I guess I didn’t think about what was really going to happen. TAKE OUT THE THEN AND JUST START WITH: With a quick snap and a gulp, he swallowed the lure. I started screaming for my stepfather. Boy was he mad. He hates that kind of thing. “What were you thinking?!” he shouted. (IF YOU'VE READ MY NOTE ABOUT DIALOGUE TAGS IN A COMMENT ABOVE, THIS IS ONE OF THOSE PLACES WHERE I THINK "SHOUTED" WORKS. YOU COULD LEAVE THE TAG OUT ALTOGETHER, BUT I DON'T MIND THE SHOUTED AND THINK - FROM A CHILD'S PERSPECTIVE - THE EMPHASIS IS APPROPRIATE, JUST AN FYI) I just stayed quiet. I might have even cried. I felt bad. I didn’t mean to hurt the frog and I know my stepdad just wanted to be fishing not fixing my messes. But I also know (PRESENT WHEN YOU WERE JUST IN PAST) him well enough to know that after he got the lure out of the frog, and took some time to calm down, he’d be okay with me. It wasn’t a forever mad kind of deal. And I was right. He got the lure out and then just sat for a while retying another lure to my line. Then he started chuckling (HOW ABOUT INSTEAD OF STARTED CHUCKLING -- JUST CHUCKLED?) and that made me think I could smile. He said, “that’s what I love about fishing with you Fish, it’s never dull.” <--- LOVE And that made my joy feel like a woodstove in January.

      xo gae

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    5. Wow this was amazing. For me, the good the bad and the ugly help so much. I just love how it helps me look at my own work. Thanks so much!

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    6. my pleasure! I LOVE (the rare occasions) when I'm helpful! :)

      Delete
  9. Okay - this is the ending portion of a scene in a library. Inspired by the writing prompt a bit back.


    It was in the midst of one of those Sherlock binge days that I first heard them. It sounded like the buzz of the overhead lights, at first. But closer, right over my shoulder. A harsh giggle, but no one was near.

    A painful tug on my braid forced my head up, just as a book fell from the shelf. One sharp corner of the book grazed my cheek. Tears filled my eyes, and I put my hand up to feel a drop of blood pooling there. Just as I took a moment to gaze down at the book that was now in my lap, Cassie bolted over and shouted at me.

    “Megs, look! I drew a new one today!”

    Whenever she came back inside from the sunlight, I could smell it on her. Not the grass, or the dirt that smudged the knees of her jeans; the actual sunlight itself. It always made me grin. This time, I could also smell the sharp tang of something else – something other. It wiped the grin back off my face.

    She showed me the faerie drawing she made while on her garden ramble and I forced a smile. There was no doubt it was beautiful; each sketch was lovelier than the next. I just couldn’t shake the shivery feeling her pictures gave me.

    “Oh, Meghan… you do believe me!” She tossed her arms around me and squeezed so hard I could barely breathe.

    “What? What are you talking about, Cass?”

    She pointed at the book that had fallen into my lap. The cover displayed a girl, about our age, and a small creature with wings. The Coming of the Fairies, by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. This was what had fallen – or been pushed – into my lap.

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    1. Hi Maria,

      I like this! I'm really wondering about the "Sherlock binge days." You use great descriptive words so even though this is in the middle somewhere, I get a good sense of what is going on.

      I really like the "conincidence" of the book falling in her lap.

      Nice work! Good luck!

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    2. I, too, love the "Sherlock binge day" reference and the coincidences unfolding here... I love the detail about Meghan being able to smell sunshine on her friend, Cass... tells us so much about EACH of these girls. :)

      Now, for a superspeed flash edit (minor things to make it all pop? maybe, maybe not. I'm really not always right. You tell me):

      It was in the midst of one of those Sherlock binge days that I first heard them. It sounded like the buzz of the overhead lights, at first. But closer, right over my shoulder. A harsh giggle, but no one was near.

      A painful tug on my braid forced my head up, just as a book fell from the shelf. One sharp corner grazed my cheek. Tears filled my eyes, and I put my hand up to feel a drop of blood pool there. Just as I gazed down at the book in my lap, Cassie bolted over.

      “Megs, look! I drew a new one today!”

      Whenever she came back inside from the sunlight, I could smell it on her. Not the grass, or the dirt that smudged the knees of her jeans; the actual sunlight itself. It always made me grin. This time, I could also smell the sharp tang of something else – something other. It wiped the grin back off my face.

      She showed me the faerie drawing she made on her garden ramble, and I forced a new smile. There was no doubt it was beautiful; each sketch was lovelier than the next. I just couldn’t shake the shivery feeling her pictures gave me.

      “Oh, Meghan… you do believe me!” She tossed her arms around me and squeezed so hard I could barely breathe.

      “What? What are you talking about, Cass?”

      She pointed at the book that had fallen into my lap. The cover displayed a girl, about our age, and a small creature with wings. The Coming of the Fairies, by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

      Great stuff! Keep going!

      Delete
    3. Thanks :) This is the end chunk of a scene, and the beginning does discuss her starting to read Doyle's work... It was fun because I stumbled upon that fairie book by Doyle purely by accident as I was researching, and then the pieces fell together for this scene :)

      Delete
  10. Gae, I really like the beginning, especially the verbs, which capture the wintery feeling so well. When you switch to the empty room w/ just the woman, I get the stark contrast, but something is missing. Maybe what's missing for me is the details about the room or some info about how the speaker realizes something isn't right. Did he just wake up? Maybe I just need to read more to know.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, the details come next. The MC is medicated and confused... so the focus comes slowly. :)

      Delete
  11. Gae,

    Beautiful start! The imagery took me back to the city. In a matter of just a few words you were able to develop the characters enough for me to want to read more. I am very curious about this character.

    Maybe I enjoy writing because of its loneliness (I have never really thought about it). I love to talk, but I find that most of my joys in life are enjoyed in solitude. Teaching can be a very lonely profession. Because teachers are with children all day, I feel like there can be loads of negativity in a school building (probably caused by a lack of patience), and I attempt to stay positive so this means I am confined to my classroom, which I really don't mind. My favorite forms of exercise are running and swimming, both done alone (I have tried to run and swim with groups, but my schedule is limiting - 4 kids:) and completed with my own discipline (no coach). Sometimes my best ideas come while I am swimming or running.

    Thank you for sharing - you obviously got me thinking about it!

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  12. Gae,

    I have been following your advice and focusing on revisions (using less words to get my point across and not having such an information dump). In this passage, I replaced words with dialogue to move the story along.


    Kalie talks all the way through lunch, and she looks at me with the sincerest eyes when I talk to her.

    “My father left when I was two years old, but I don’t even remember him. I couldn’t even tell you what he looks like,” she says with a sadness that I am not used to seeing.

    “Sometimes I wonder if he ever has thought about coming to find me. I know this sounds weird, but I have no urge to find him,” she pauses but then continues, “I don’t want him to ruin the relationship I have with my mom.”

    I nod, but say nothing. She describes her mom not as a friend, but as someone that she can trust.

    “There are strict rules at home and expectations are high in school, but we can also sit for hours and talk.”

    I feel a bit of jealousy as she is telling me about their relationship. I don’t have that kind of connection with anyone in my life.

    “Tell me about your family,” she says.

    Thanks for letting me share!
    BTW - Already passed along The Pull of Gravity to our librarian (weeks ago) - I loved it!

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    Replies
    1. I like the dialogue. I wonder what the speaker is thinking during the pause, and I wander why the other character doesn't have close relationships. I'm intrigued. It's interesting that a kid wouldn't want to find her father in a time when that seems the thing to do.

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    2. Hi Andy!

      I love the dialogue! This small exchange shows the reader a lot about the two characters.

      I stumbled just a bit while reading one of Kalie's lines. I wonder if she could say "Sometimes I wonder if he's even thought about finding me."

      I wonder if "urge" is the best word for a MG character. Would "desire" work better?

      I love when a boy and a girl are friends! I'd read more!

      Great job! Keep going!

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    3. Andy, I think the others have made good comments. I LOVED reading this piece. It made me a little teary because I finally FEEL your characters. So poignant. Hooray for you! Keep going! :D

      Delete
  13. Here's my selection. It's the middle of the chapter. How does the dialogue work? What additional descriptions do I need?

    SUPER SENIOR, "Baby Think it Over."

    “Mrs. Stohl, I may need to tend to my baby during class. She may need her diaper changed, or she may need to nurse. Or I may need to rock her. She likes for me to hold her and bounce her on my chest. After...”

    “I’ll let you bounce me on your chest. I think I’d like that.” Justin again, always eager to stir the pot. “Just saying.”

    Lacey turned and glared at Justin. “In your dreams, dufus.”

    “As I was saying, Mrs. Sthol, “After Pearl eats, I’ll need to burp her so her tummy doesn’t hurt,” Lacey explained. “It’s very important to a baby’s health that she not get any gas on her tummy. And it’s part of my grade in Family Living.”

    A loud PRTRTRTRGURTRUFNASUTUTUTUT interupted Patina’s speech. “Pardon my flatulence. It was an accident, and it’s not healthy for me to have gas on my tummy either.” Justin again.

    “Grow up. You act like you’re in seventh grade,” Dolly piped in on cue when Lacey pushed her arm.

    Patina could see the glazing of Mrs. Stohl’s eyes as she feigned interest in Lacey’s fake baby and tried to ignore yet another Justin disruption. “Just don’t let taking care of the doll interfere with your classwork, Lacey. You still need to prepare your performance scene with your group.”

    “That’s the thing, Mrs. Stohl, I may not be able to do the scene and take care of the baby, too,” Lacey rationalized.

    “You could do that scene where Lady Macbeth tries to talk Macbeth into killing Duncan.” Patina couldn’t help herself. Lacey was her friend, but sometimes she could be so annoying that Patina seized the opportunity to push Lacey’s buttons.

    “Yhea,” chirped Justin. “Then when Lady Macbeth says that line about nursing the baby, you could use the doll as a prop.” Justin began flipping through his Macbeth script, looking for the line. “What act is that line in?”

    “Act two,” another kid added helpfully.

    “Here it is,” Justin began reading excitedly. 'I have given suck and know how tender 'tis to love the babe that milks me. I would, while it was smiling in my face, have plucked my nipple from its boneless gums and dashed its brains out had I so sworn as you have done to this.'

    “At the point where it says, plucked my nipple from its boneless gums and dashed its brains you could actually do that with the doll.” Justin held his copy of Macbeth to his chest and cradled it like Lacey did the doll. Then he slammed the script to the floor for emphasis. “See.”

    “Gawd, you’re sick,” Dolly cried. Patina saw a tear drip from Dolly’s cheek. “You’d kill a baby just to get a good grade in English?”

    “IT’S A DOLL!” Justin’s protested and raised his arms in mock surrender. “Am I the only one who gets that?”

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    1. Glenda,

      I LOVE this scene. It's hilarious and pretty brilliant if you ask me. (well, you dont have to ask me, it's my blog, so I'm telling you. :))

      Having said that, there are a lot of people involved and so it gets sort of tongue-tie-y to me at times, and can use a good polish. Also, blame Elmore Leonard, not me, but even IMHO, you over-adverb, esp. your dialogue tags. So, having said that, I'm going to do a superspeed flash edit... because I'm doing a bunch of these today -- I'm not being perfect or tremendously thoughtful about them, but rather going with a quick gut. And would rather go overboard to illustrate a point (to try to be helpful) So, take what you will and discard what you don't like -- or restore it to your original as the case might be. Gonna do the edit in the next comment. Blogger isn't happy about the length of my comments today. ;)

      Delete
    2. “Mrs. Stohl, I may need to tend to my baby during class. She may need her diaper changed, or she may need to nurse. Or I may need to rock her. She likes for me to hold her and bounce her on my chest. After...”

      “I’ll let you bounce me on your chest. I think I’d like that.” Justin again, always eager to stir the pot. “Just saying.”

      Lacey turned and glared at him. “In your dreams, dufus.”

      “As I was saying, Mrs. Sthol, after Pearl eats, I’ll need to burp her so her tummy doesn’t hurt,” Lacey explained, “It’s very important to a baby’s health that she not get any gas on her tummy. And it’s part of my grade in Family Living.”

      A loud PRTRGURTRUFNASUTUTUTUT interupted Patina’s (<--- I'm confused by who Patina is here. Isn't it Lacey with the baby makig the speech?) speech. “Pardon my flatulence. It was an accident, and it’s not healthy for me to have gas on my tummy either.” Justin again.

      “Grow up. You act like you’re in seventh grade,” Dolly piped in on cue.

      Patina could see Mrs. Stohl’s eyes glaze as she feigned interest in Lacey’s fake baby and tried to ignore yet another Justin disruption. “Just don’t let taking care of the doll interfere with your classwork, Lacey. You still need to prepare your performance scene with your group.”

      “That’s the thing, Mrs. Stohl, I may not be able to do the scene and take care of the baby, too.”

      “You could do that scene where Lady Macbeth tries to talk Macbeth into killing Duncan.” Patina couldn’t help herself. Lacey was her friend, but sometimes she could be so annoying that Patina seized the opportunity to push Lacey’s buttons.

      “Yeah,” chirped Justin. “Then when Lady Macbeth says that line about nursing the baby, you could use the doll as a prop.” Justin flipped through his Macbeth script, looking for the line. “What act is that in?”

      “Act two,” someone added, helpfully.

      “Here it is,” Justin began to read excitedly. "'I have given suck and know how tender 'tis to love the babe that milks me. I would, while it was smiling in my face, have plucked my nipple from its boneless gums and dashed its brains out had I so sworn as you have done to this.'" (maybe a transition here: Justin looked up type of thing). "At the point where it says, 'plucked my nipple from its boneless gums and dashed its brains,' you could actually do that with the doll.” Justin held his copy of Macbeth to his chest and cradled it like Lacey did the doll. Then he slammed the script to the floor for emphasis. “See.”

      “Gawd, you’re sick,” Dolly said. Patina saw a tear drip from Dolly’s cheek. “You’d kill a baby just to get a good grade in English?”

      “IT’S A DOLL!” Justin protested, and raised his arms in mock surrender. “Am I the only one who gets that?”

      Delete
    3. That second "Dolly" in the second to last para. should be "her."

      Delete
    4. Yes, it's Lacey. Duh. I'll go back and look at all my dialogue tags and exercise restraint. I was thinking about adding some commentary in the Macbeth speech. Thank you.

      Delete
    5. Even though this is the middle of a chapter and I don't really know the characters, I get a great sense of them in this scene. Gae is right, there are a lot of them, so maybe, if who says it isn't important, "someone else" could be sufficient. Of course, it may be that the different characters are less confusing in the greater context of the story.

      The MacBeth scene is perfect, and I think the way he talks about it illustrates Justin's character really well. Nice work!

      Delete
    6. Glenda,

      I really enjoyed it. I agree with Gae - there are many characters, and in fact, I had to go back and read it three times to get a grasp of the plot.

      I really like Justin - you nailed a teenage boy!

      Nicely done!
      Keep it up!

      Delete
    7. I loved this piece. The characters feel real to me, the dialogue fresh and sassy. I can't wait to read the whole novel, Glenda. :)

      Delete
  14. Gae, I am completely hooked. The piece has movement and intrigue, tons of changes in what feels like a very short time-frame. The weather changes. The people in the scene change. The mood changes with the words 'loomed' and 'surreal.' I am definitely wondering about the MC's state of mind. Is he/she dreaming? remembering? drugged?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mardie,

      he is, yes, drugged -- or medicated -- and yes sort of dreaming/remembering/halucinating. :)

      Delete
  15. Yes, I'm hooked! I love it when you begin thinking something is headed in one direction and then it completely takes you in another. This excerpt has me wondering all kinds of things. Great job!

    Here's a little more from Harold (MG). I'm working on a scene where the MC has to "rescue" the friend he's been trying to ditch. I want the setting to be a bit scary, but not so scary that he wouldn't risk it. Thanks for your feedback!

    The MacRae house sat on a lot that was overgrown with trees, shrubs, and weeds. Most of the windows were broken and the town leaders had tried to get the owners, who had moved away years ago, to clean it up and sell it or demolish it. Termites had eaten most of the front steps and I was pretty sure rats and other critters had taken up residence. Every Halloween, kids dared each other to see who could stay the longest inside the house alone. I’d never personally known anyone to take the bet, but one of the guys Caitlynn dated stayed in there for a whole ten minutes. Rumor has it he went insane and had to be put in an institution for crazy people. But Caitlynn said he just went away to college.

    It was near dusk and gradually getting darker. I saw the house ahead and decided it was best to stash my bike in the wooded lot beside the house. I was walking it when I heard a loud CRUNCH. Broken glass was everywhere. I had to step carefully so I wouldn’t get a piece of class in my shoes. I wished I was wearing my cleats instead of mandles but they were in my bag. I laid my bike down and saw a piece of glass stuck in my back tire.

    So much for helping Harold AND getting to the tryout. I’d be lucky to make it home.

    “Pssst.”

    I could see someone behind a big holly bush. Lucy. I ducked low and ran over to her.

    “What are you doing here?” I whispered.

    “Me? What are you doing here?”

    “Please. You and Harold against Lewis?”

    “I wish it was just Lewis. Look!” Lucy pointed to a bunch of bikes leaning against the house.

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    Replies
    1. Dana,

      yay! You've done a great job here setting scene (and building tension). I love this:

      Rumor has it he went insane and had to be put in an institution for crazy people. But Caitlynn said he just went away to college.

      It made me giggle.

      I'm thinking the has could be had. You have all of this in past tense and even though "rumor has it" is a phrase, I think the has feels a little wonky here with everything in past? Not sure, but that's where I'm leaning.

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    2. I want to know what happens next!

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    3. Hi Dana,

      Thank you for the comments (above).

      You know I love this story! I was a little confused about the plot and how it fits into the rest of the story, but I'm sure that it fits. I, like my sixth graders, really enjoy a story (novel) that have a few stories happening within the plot, which all eventually connect back to the conflict.

      "Rumor has it he went insane and had to be put in an institution for crazy people. But Caitlynn said he just went away to college." - I love this line! I laughed out loud!:)

      Keep up the good work! I can't wait to read more!
      Happy writing!

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    4. Thanks Gae, Mary, and Andy!

      I appreciate your feedback.

      Andy, I've gone off course just a bit, but I hope it all circles back around. *fingers crossed*

      Delete
  16. Phew! GREAT stuff here today, guys! My FF cup runneth over. :) I'm off to take a long break for my kids and my own revisions. Will be back in a few hours. :)

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  17. I am definitely hooked! The word choice creates great imagery. I have learned so much and read great pieces in my first week of Teachers Write. I've placed my writing samples on my blog, along with challenges I had and ideas I've gotten to help improve my writing instruction. I am really enjoying this process!

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    1. Hi, Sporty! Welcome to Friday Feedback! Maybe you'll share a snippet of your writing with us here when you're ready. :)

      Glad you're enjoying Teachers Write. Kate is a DYNAMO!

      Delete
  18. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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    Replies
    1. Mary, what a lovely, clever piece! Thank you for posting. :)

      As I've told other picture book writers here before, it concerns me if this is a significant chunk of your book/story to have so much of it up here. to have a bit of a story isn't much to have stolen (or have claimed has been published before) but if this is 3/4 of your book... I'd be itching, now that I've enjoyed its beauty, to take it down. Let me know. gae

      Delete
    2. You can take it down. I left the ending off for that reason. I'd gladly share with you if you'd like.

      Hope your son is feeling better.
      M

      Delete
  19. This is a piece that I've been working on this week. It needs quite a bit of work. In fact, every time I go to cut and paste it in here, I revise.



    Levi awakened to the sound of yelling.

    “Get up!” the guard was making his way into the cell.

    Forcing his eyes to open, Levi tried to comply with the guard’s wishes, to pull himself up off the floor. He didn’t know what time it was, how long he’d had to sleep. All he knew was that he’d spent hours - perhaps most of the night -in another room, a tiny, windowless chamber that stank of cigars and urine.

    All night long, Levi had been interrogated, asked the same questions over and over again. And all night long he’d given the same answers.

    “The truth! Where did you get the suitcase?” The officer leaned in each time, his face inches from Levi’s, and Levi could smell the onions on his breath, see the stubble on his chin. A single bright lamp hung menacingly overhead. Someone was sitting on a chair in a corner of the room, smoking a cigar, listening, but Levi couldn’t make out a face.

    “I told you. It was lying, abandoned on the road. I just picked it up as I walked,” Levi’s voice was hoarse, barely a whisper. He was falling asleep behind his wide open eyes, eyes held open with some type of wire apparatus, likely borrowed from a doctor and intended for use in surgery.

    “How did you get the money, Goddammit? ” With eyes pried open and hands tied behind his back, Levi could do nothing to avoid the spray of onion spittle that sailed the few inches between the guard’s mouth and his face.

    “The money was already in the suitcase when I picked it up. I don’t know anything. I don’t know anything about it. I’ve told you that.”

    And then, out of nowhere a voice from the corner of the room, a calm, almost warm voice, gave the order to send Levi back to the holding cell. The guard plucked the wires from Levi’s eyes, pulled him to his feet, and dragged him to the single cell in the small building, a makeshift border station. Levi could sense that there were others in the cell sleeping on the floor even though his eyes now accustomed to bright light could see little. He could hear them breathing, could smell their sweat, their hunger, their exhaustion.

    He crawled between the bodies, trying not to touch anyone, until he found an unoccupied spot in the middle of the room, curled up to make himself small and fell asleep.

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    Replies
    1. Mardie-
      Such a powerful scene! I could almost smell the onions on his breath ( onion spittle- loved it)
      Two questions:
      How can your word choice make this even stronger? Consider " single bright lamp. What would fit the mood you are creating? Dirty,single bulb dangled? Blinding spotlight drowned out all but voices....
      In this sentence, "comply with the guards wishes", is your character a pleaser or just confused? What stronger words could you use to support the guard's demeanor? Wishes seems too kind to me.

      I want to read more. Where is this going?

      M

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    2. Thank you so much, Mary! Your suggestions are spot-on and I'll definitely be working on these two areas and stronger word choice in general.

      Delete
    3. Agree, Mardie! A good powerful scene (i had the same reaction to that onion spittle!).

      Keep going!

      Delete
  20. Hey, guys, I planned to be back earlier, but unexpectedly had to take son to the doctor (he's okay -- bad tummy ache etc... and wanted to make sure it wasn't his appendix heading into the weekend). Now have to run other son somewhere... so I'll be back later this evening.

    More soon! Bear with me.

    xo gae

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  21. Okay, so "white stars that melt away" was definitely my favorite line. It's just so great! As far as hooking me, I'm definitely wondering what's going on--is she imagining this or remembering it? Who is the new woman? What happened? So many great questions to have at the beginning of a novel!

    Now a bit of my WIP...actually from the beginning!

    I awake to the slam of a bedroom door—Jonah and Dad must be fighting again. Looking at the clock, I realize it is only 7:00 in the morning and roll back over. What’s happening to him, anyway? Jonah used to be the perfect big brother. He taught me how to shoot a basketball—we spent hours playing H-O-R-S-E in the backyard—how to ride a bike, how to climb trees. He’s always been my older brother, my hero. Dad works odd hours and mom’s worried about too many other things, usually, but Jonah was always there for me.

    It was always the Jonah and Oakley show, and I liked it that way. He’d read to me when Mom was busy, and we’d play all sorts of games, from cops and robbers to Harry Potter, because that’s what we did best—play games. He watched out for me, too. My big brother. My protector. One time, when I was about eight, I came home crying because Billy Silver had pulled out my pigtails, the ones mom had taken the time to do up so nicely that morning. Jonah lead me to his room, brushed out my hair, and read me the next chapter of Caddie Woodlawn, a story about a real tomboy living on the frontier. “You’re a lot like her, you know,” he told me. “You’re both fighters, just in different ways.” The next day, I caught a glimpse of Jonah talking to Billy on the playground. I steered clear, and, after that, Billy steered clear of me, too.

    But Jonah was different now. He still watched out for me, sure—if he knew about what was happening at school, he would at least try to do something to take care of it—but I’ve stopped telling Jonah about things. Mostly because he stopped asking, but also because he’s just been acting weird. I know he’s ready to go to college soon, and I honestly thought, years ago, that Jonah going away would be the end of the world, but I have Madeline now, and Jonah doesn’t even know about her. He’s too busy sneaking out of the house and getting drunk with his new friends, going to drag races downtown and being a “regular hooligan,” as Madeline would say.

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    1. Greetings, Megan!

      I really enjoyed this section. Oakley, your narrator, has hooked me. I want to know more about her.

      I sense she is the focus of your novel but I have also been known for being wrong. ;-). I agree with Gae. Some of the backstory with Jonah might be revealed later in a more active way.

      Some questions for you:
      ~Could you merge the first two paragraphs and allow some of Oakley's feelings for Jonah appear later? Maybe in a conversation they have? Maybe on the playground as she tries to reconnect with her brother the hero?
      ~What has changed for O besides adding Madeline? I sense there is something more here, besides her addition and Jonah acting weird. Maybe you've addressed this elsewhere.
      ~I'm guessing O's parents aren't going to be important to this story, but wonder why Mom is mentioned twice. Okay, so this isn't a question.

      Now that you've hooked me I want to read more. Hope you find my comments helpful...M

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    2. Ooooooo......just had a brainstorm...try Wordle for this section and see what stands out. That might help you! One of you growing # of fans,
      M

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    3. Thanks for your comments, questions, and suggestions! All of the above from you (and from Gae) are definitely things I need to think about. The premise of the story is that Oakley has "discovered" Madeline, their great-grandmother who the rest of the family doesn't know about, but I do think I need to make the beginning a little more concise. Thanks so much!

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  22. Hi, Megan! So happy to see more of Jonah and Oakley -- I like them! -- and fun to see the current beginning!

    One of the things I feel like I'm not sure of yet is the hook -- is it that Jonah is spiraling or is it more about Oakley? If this is Oakley's story -- why do I sense it is? Maybe I'm wrong? -- this excerpt, cut and pasted to a word doc (yep, I did that) is about 1 1/2 pages -- 381 words -- and I'd like to see more strongly whose story it is and what the issue is... if possible. I think there may be more detail about what a good brother Jonah was than is needed to allow the pace/hook to have some drama/intrigue at the outset, and you can add more later, and sacrifice it now for some real "clue" as to what and who we're concerned for here and WHY, that would add power. Is Oakley's life about to change when she needs Jonah the most? Something else? I hope that makes sense to you, and I'd love someone else to chime in and agree or disagree.

    Keep going!

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  23. It's still Friday, so feel free to keep posting, but let me just thank you all for your kind words about my excerpt, but more importantly, for your amazing work you all posted here today!

    I'm endlessly impressed by you all, and so enjoy the little exercise of FF with you... and that is ALL it is. Mostly, I revel in your gems. I feel like I am seeing more and more of them! What a tribute to you and your work with Teachers Write!

    To those who popped a review of TPoG up on Amazon, thank you, thank you, thank you!

    To those who still will, the same. :)

    To those who call or email your libraries, or already have, thank you so much for that too.

    So appreciated (and needed!).

    I love Fridays. Thanks for making them fun!

    gae

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