This is a writer's brain. . . it's exhausting.

I want to write a book. Like actually complete a book. I doubt I can, but I want to try.

*writes book that takes years. quickly discounts accomplishment*

I just want to get an agent. If I could only get an agent . . .

*after years of rejection gets agent*

I just want to sell this manuscript.

*after years of revision and rejection sells manuscript*

I just want decent critical reviews and a handful of readers.

*gets those. quickly discounts same.*

I just want more readers and to sell another book.

*does so. quickly discounts same. lather, rinse, repeat. Often multiple times.*

I just want a starred review.

(*fuck off. still waiting*)

I just want to win an award.

*gets a few. quickly discounts same.*

I just want to win a "real" award. The kind that comes with a sticker on the book.

(*again, fuck off. Who asked you? And see what I mean about discounting same. . . ?*)

I just want to write a book that matters.

*What does that even mean? And anyway, hard to tell. But let's just, for argument's sake, say that a handful of readers' notes could make one believe that maybe possibly they have done so. quickly discounts same.*

I just want to write the kind of book that's unique, that's different, that's never been done, that takes someone's breath away. . .

* . . . *

(I just needed to write that out so I could actually plow forward and write what I'm working on now. . . )

- gae

Perspective & Wanting

Once, all I wanted (well, mostly all I wanted) was a book deal.

It took me ten years, but I made it there.

Then I lost sight of "all I wanted," because I suddenly wanted more.

I wanted the book to do well. Both critically and in sales.

I wanted people to read it.

I wanted another book deal.

And these are all tied together, so it's hard to keep it all in perspective.

And, it's hard to keep the wanting from overshadowing the success that I've had.

It's important to redefine "well" so that you remember to appreciate the smaller successes. I'm trying. To pay attention, redefine and hold on.
My book is selling.
Well?
Well, no. Okay fine. Well enough.
It's getting good reviews.
Okay, some reviews are amazing and make me want to cry.

Like this gem I stumbled across on 60SecondRecap.

I mean, seriously, could a person ask for more?

(and, yet. . . )

I've gotten some amazing notes from readers, both adults and kids, and, man-oh-man from teen boys. Even a boy who started his note, "trust me, I don't read," then proceeded to tell me how he was assigned my book for school and couldn't put it down. Isn't that better than sales numbers?

But numbers sell the next book.

(I'm angsty. Can you tell it's a Monday?)

Focus.

Perspective.

Here's another cool thing: I've been nominated for a Cybils Award (Children's and Young Adult Bloggers Literary Award) by a librarian who has been quietly championing my book. I was her first pick. I mean, isn't that better than numbers?

I'll answer it: yes. That is better than numbers.

Happy Monday.

- gae

p.s. Any of you in or near NYC and Long Island, I have a lot of exciting events coming up, especially next Tuesday, October 11 at POWERHOUSE ARENA (with David Levithan and Jonathan Farmer and others, no less!) and that Friday, October 14 at the Dolphin Bookshop in Pt. Washington with SIX other YA authors that I planned and promises to be an event! Check my sidebar for updated appearances. :)