Friday, September 14, 2012

Friday Feedback: *Looks Around*

Um. Friday Feedback. Right. That post was just here.

*looks frantically around*

Er, I may be on serious project overload.

First, there was the whole my-back-went-out fiasco that knocked me off track for a week (don't panic, I have finally returned, as of yesterday, to the open water);

Yesterday, at the Dix Hills Diner....
Then there was the movie script that arrived in my email box Monday (?! Tuesday?!) that needed fast reading (at 97 pages, taking notes, took many hours...);

and, the "quick" Blogger Appreciation Week post that took me almost 4 hours  *coughs* (so, please, hang on its every word and visit every link!)

and, um, of course, there was the unexpected hour lost when my son, not immediately finding the correct dishwasher detergent,

Brady-Bunched the dishwasher...

That is my hubby scooping suds out with a plastic pitcher...
Anyway, I promise you, next week, we're back on track with a lovely guest-blogger you won't want to miss, but for this week,

we go all loosey-goosey again with a
Friday Feedback free-for-all.

In fact, you don't even need to read any of my crap this week; I'll just read yours. ;)

Go ahead, you know you want to.

Here are the RULES:

Please post between 3 -5 paragraphs, and no more -- 3 if the paragraphs are longer, no more than 5 if they are short.

If there's more, I reserve the right not to read.** I will offer some very basic feedback -- the only reasonable feedback that can actually be given from a brief excerpt:

• Does the piece "hook" me enough to make me want to keep reading;

• What else works for me and/or what doesn't;

• If you're super lucky (or super unlucky?) I may be moved to do a superspeed flash edit -- I will never change your words... only omit unneeded ones and/or change tenses to show how even a small edit like that can truly make a piece shine. As Orwell once said, "If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out." I believe this is mostly true.

Happy Friday. Happy writing. Hop to it.

- gae


  1. I love a girl who can use "Brady-Bunched" as a verb. :)

    1. Thank you. I'm working on making it all forms: noun, verb, adjective, etc. I think most 70's shows can be verbified.

  2. oh... it's Friday? TGIF!

    (mmm... not sure what this is... might be the beginning of another novel someday... if I were to change main characters. Honestly you've already helped me so much... I'm running out of things to share :-) )

    - - - - - -

    Melinda hesitantly knocked on the door of Olvir’s chamber. Feeling lonely and unfilled of late, she felt compelled to seek out the barbarian’s company. An accented “come” was her only greeting. Pushing open the door, she entered the room and closed the door gently behind her. Standing with her back to the door she looked Olvir over, stifling a sigh at the sight he presented.

    Tall, broad shoulders, wickedly black hair that looked like it must be silky smooth. Wearing only a leather vest and tight linen breaches she could easily appreciate his warrior build. Her gaze continued to take in his magnificence until he became impatient.

    “I am well healer, leave me be.”

    His voice was a dreamy baritone, full of velvety richness, that made Melinda’s insides melt with desire.

    “Your right, you don’t need a healer. That’s not why I’m here.”

    1. I like how she maybe/possibly/probably shouldn't be going to visit this burly, barbaric man, yet she is! Definitely intriguing. :)

    2. ooh la la. What Jen said. ;)

      have fun! keep going!

    3. Had to open a window....whew, much cooler now.

  3. Back with more of my new WIP! I'm trying to tell from different this is Mary Elizabeth Harmon - the girl who did the killer dive last week - telling her side of the story. I switched to her because I think I can do her voice gearing up to work on my 12-year-old voice in my writing (I think...).

    Thanks for reading!


    That morning, my mom barely came to a stop at the curb when I whipped off my seat belt, threw the door open, and leapt out. I was so glad my sunglasses hid the wretchedness of my puffy, cried-all-night eyes. I grabbed my bag, yanking it off the seat in a death grip, before barking, “Thanks a lot,” and slamming the door. I envisioned the glass shattering and crumbling to pebbly bits before me. I would have stomped on them, kicked them up with my feet, not caring as sharp bits nipped at my toes. But the glass didn’t break. I stared at the darkened window until the wheels grumbled at the gravel and rolled away.

    1. Love it, Jen! Your writing is so colorful and fun!

      I know this is rough, but remember on revision to get rid of unneeded writing and too many passive verbs, all the ing stuff, or most... so:

      That morning, mom barely came to a stop at the curb when I whipped off my seat belt, threw the door open, and leapt out. I was so glad my sunglasses hid the wretchedness of my puffy, cried-all-night eyes. I yanked my bag off the seat in a death grip, before barking, “Thanks a lot,” and slammed the door.

      That bit of tightening will then make your next paragraph of really fantastic writing shine even more. ?

  4. ((delete when) before I whipped off my seat belt...

    (not sure why, but I like before better)

    I think there is a lot of intensity here. With the slamming of the door and the image of glass shattering I get the impression that it is her mom she is furious at. If Mom isn't the source of the problem, I think her reactions might be a bit much. Or rather she'd be a bit more cautious to make sure Mom doesn't figure out how up set she is.

    If Mom is the focus of her anger, excellent job.

    To make it a tad more personal you might say "Mom" instead of my mom in the first sentence.

    It does a great job of making you want to know 'why' she's so mad! I'd love to figure out what's going on with the poor girl.