"Friday Feedback again?" and how to kill good dialogue with an overwrought tag.

"How is it already Friday again?"

Seriously.

I'm not ready for Friday Feedback again. But, alas, here I am!

You're welcome. Or something like that.

Yesterday, I was in a local school, Port Jefferson High School -- first with the 9th graders who had just finished their unit on Of Mice and Men, and then with the Literary Club, a small but awesome group of kids and their awesome teacher, Carla.

Among the things we talked about were some of the basic rules of writing. You know, show vs. tell, and how to use (or not use) dialogue tags.

To prove my point, I brought along one of my favorite tools, a snippet of Elmore Leonard's 10 Rules of Writing. See, there it is at #3.

You'd be surprised at how much time and energy new writers expend trying to figure out how to creatively say "said." You've seen it:

"I really love you," John whimpered. "I need you. You know that," he urged.
"I know, but I can never reciprocate," Myra choked out, through her tears.
John shook her. "You must! You must leave him and love me!" he barked, emphatically.

Yeah, I named her Myra, and overexaggerated things. What's your point? ;)

Anyway, what you quickly see is the endless effort in creative dialogue tagging actually has the opposite effect as intended: it pops your mind out of the action (as you try to figure out how the heck the character sounded as they whimpered or choked or barked, emphatically, no less).

The truth is, except for VERY judicially, you are only ever supposed to use say or said as a tag. And, except when really (essentially) needed for clarity or emphasis, let your action show HOW the words are said.

So, bored with my own excerpts (come on, my writerly friends, come be a guest on Friday Feedback -- hey, I think I do have a guest author NEXT Friday!) I decided to see if I could find a particular excerpt from one of my WIP's (Works In Progress for those not in-the-know) to illustrate Elmore's 3rd rule.

For those brave enough to play along this week, feel free to post a dialogue excerpt -- and let us know if, based on today's post, you went back to edit! -- or whatever type of excerpt you want. In case you don't know them, once again, here are the rules:
If you do, you know the rules:

• Does the piece "hook" you enough to make you want to keep reading. If yes, why? If no, why not?

• What doesn’t work for you (if something doesn't) and why?

• What does work for you, and why?

• If you want the same feedback, post 3 -5 paragraphs in the comments and I (and maybe some of my writer or reader friends) will chime in.

If you want more rules than that, read HERE.

Happy Friday, all.

Excerpt from Frankie Sky:

Later that night in bed, I ask her, “So, why did you do it, Zette?”

“Do what?”

“Kill Roger.”

She laughs. “I didn’t kill him, Beans, he died. Didn’t you see it? He keeled right on over and died. His heart gave out. All that crappy food. I can’t help it if he died.” I give her a look. “He should have eaten better.” She cracks a smile again, even though she’s trying to keep a straight face.

“Zette!”
            “What? It’s been like seven years. I got bored of him. He was a very boring man.”

“You did?” I know she’s mostly joking, but the information worries me. I’d never thought of Lisette as the type to get bored of someone. “I mean, you made him. If he was boring you, couldn’t you just have fixed him? Or divorced him. Couldn’t you have gotten divorced instead?”

“Divorces aren’t very Catholic, Beans.”

“And killing him is?”

She bursts out laughing, and I’m feeling like I’m going to cry. But she sits up, reaches over and grabs a brush from her night table, and pulls me up and over, so that I’m sitting between her legs. She always does this when I get agitated, starts to brush my hair. Lisette says she loves to brush my hair because it's straight like silk, instead of wavy and crazy, like hers. But her hair is gorgeous, and mine is brown and boring; her hair is full of body, like the models’ hair in fashion magazines.

The brush is precious to her because it’s a part of an abalone shell set her grandmother gave her for her birthday. An antique, that comes with a mirror and comb. It’s beautiful and special like Lisette. I always love when Lisette brushes my hair, because it makes me feel like she loves me without words. In the weeks after Simon died, she brushed it all the time. It was one of the things that saved me.

“I told you Beans,” she says, as she strokes, “I didn’t kill him, he died.”

“Well, what if you get bored with me?” Tears well in corner of my eyes, making me glad my back is to her.

“Don’t be silly. I never would.”

“But what if you do? What if you have a real boyfriend, or a real husband, and they’re more important to you? Or what if you find a new friend? A better friend. A friend who doesn’t have so many problems, like I do?”

“You don’t have problems, Beans.” I twist and look at her and she rolls her eyes, and turns me back around. She starts brushing again. “You don’t. I mean, your brother died, so of course that’s hard for you. But you’re fine. Besides, your hair is pretty and fun to comb, so how could I ever get bored with you?” She taps me on the shoulder with the brush, then hands it to me. “Here, now you do mine.”

We switch positions. “Well, promise me you won’t,” I say.

“I won’t. I promise. Plus, we have our hearts, remember?”

I grasp the half heart locket that rests beneath my nightgown. “Yes, I remember,” I say.

- gae

The Pull of Gravity goes to School(s)!!!

That's me in the middle, with the kids from Jennings Middle School.
I love those guys. 

Happy Monday!

Oh, yes, oh yes, it is!

Why? Because today is the first in a new First Monday of the Month series on my blog called The Pull of Gravity Goes to School. Yeah, original title, what's your point? :)

Over the past six months, I've been luckier and luckier to have my book get picked up by schools in one capacity or another -- into the curriculum, as a choice book or summer read, or as a read aloud -- and, let me tell you, I am grateful!

I'm also unbeliveably fortunate to live in a time that allows me to pop into a classroom half way around the country. Through the magic of Skype, I've been to classrooms in Michigan and Indiana, and am about to pop into one in Pennsylvania this week. Of course, it's my absolute favorite when I can be there in person, but, either way, being in a school or a classroom with my target readers is one of the most rewarding experiences I, as a YA author, get to have.

As such, on the first Monday of each month, I'm going to highlight some of these visits on my blog. I've asked the students some basic questions about the book and have gotten some amazing responses. In fact, I've gotten so many awesome responses, please know there's no way I can use them all. I will highlight them the best I am able, with the feature each week morphing, depending on the types of responses that roll in.

**Here are the LINKS (TWO, THREE, FOUR and FIVE) for the other TPoG's Go to School for the 2011-2012 school year) ** 

So, without further ado, this week, The Pull of Gravity goes to Jennings Middle School in Indiana, where awesome 8th grade teacher, Ms. McGriff, read it aloud to her students last month. Let's hear what they had to say!

Look how happy they are! Coincidence or TPoG? ;)

Was TPoG a good read aloud? Why?

David: Yes... the fact that Ms. McGriff is good at reading. I mean, the book is good either way.

Jason: No, because I had already read it myself and didn't wanna listen again.

Katelyn: Yes. Because ... we read it every day. If I was just reading by myself, I doubt I would have had enough time to read it in my own time. It was just a really good book!

Kristen: Yes... normally, when teachers read a book out loud they are extremely boring and I don't enjoy them. But when I heard Pull of Gravity I could read it again and again...

Brianna: Yes...my teacher read with really great expression like she was the characters of the book. I felt like I was watching a movie.

Star: At first, I'll be honest... I didn't think I was really going to like it. At all. I really don't like it when books get read aloud in class. But as I listened to the book, I started to like it. I like it a lot, to be honest. I love the imaginative and colorful character Jaycee. Nick seemed kind of whiny at first, but in the end I liked him a lot and felt as if I understood him. The Scoot could probably be my favorite character...

and, last but not least, the classic, award-winning answer of the day:

Jacob: Yes, because it took up more time in class so we did not have to do work.

:)

Speaking of favorite characters, who was your favorite character, and why?

Heather: Jaycee because of her personality. She's so prepared and smart. She makes the middle and last part of the book come alive!

Skylar: Jeremy because he's so honest.

Star: My favorite character was the Scoot. Even though he knew he'd be facing death at any time, he still evaluated an excellent plan and saw to it that it was excuted. He seemed so funny with all those Star Wars references . . .

Shelbi: Jaycee... she didn't care what people thought of her. If they didn't like her, it was their problem.

Keragan: Nick, because he gets very nervous when he was around Jaycee and he also is embarrassed by his dad.

Notice the troll buttons... :)

A lot of readers don't like the dad. Or, at least they get mad at him. Who was YOUR least favorite character, and why?

Heather: Nick's dad because how could someone leave their family just to lose weight? That was stupid. If I was Nick, I wouldn't read his emails either.

Jasmine: Jeremy, because he didn't care about anything or anyone, just himself. 

Ham Stacks: Well . . .I reckon Nick's dad because he lied to Nick and was a very lowsy dad.

Jacob: Jeremy, cuz he seems kind of mean.

 
Briana: ... I liked them all. Each character played their own part in their own way.

Michelle: The news reporter because he was annoying.

Kelsey: I liked all the characters.

Katelyn: Nick's mom because it seemed like she didn't really do much to help out with anything. Like she wasn't involved.

Did you have a most favorite or least favorite part?

Zachary: (most) -- when they were wrecked they were knocked out.

Kristen: (most) -- when they started the big trip. I think that was everyone's favorite part.

Jacob: (least) --when they kissed it was very disrespectful of their surroundings. They are too young to be doing that.

Nicholas: (least) -- the Scoot dying was the saddest so it was my least favorite.

Hannah: (most) -- When Jaycee got sick at the hotel and Nick was taking care of her until she felt better.

Ham Stacks: (least) -- when Jaycee and Nick kissed. It was completely shasta mcnasty. Ewwwww, growdy. (a direct quote ;));

Kameron: (least) -- when Scooter died;

Makayla: (most) -- at the end on their way home, it was kind of a mystery where the bus driver went.

and, drumroll for the brownie points:

David: (least) -- when the book ended.

:)

Believe you, me, I loved them back. :)

So, maybe most important to me, did any part of the story make you laugh?

Catherine: Yes, when Jaycee had the wax lips!

Nicholas: Yes, the part about the thermometer.

Courtney: Yes, I laughed just about every time Jeremy spoke.

Cheyenne: Yes, I forgot though.

And, finally, the most dreaded question of all... did you learn anything you didn't know from The Pull of Gravity?

Aaron: about the disease Scooter had.

Jacob: no!

Kelsey: It made me want to read Of Mice and Men. I think I will some time.

Star: I honestly couldn't tell ya.



Huge thanks to Ms. McGriff's class at Jennings Middle School for doing this with me!

- gae

p.s. once again, the links to the other posts in the 2011-2012 series:

http://ghpolisner.blogspot.com/2012/04/pull-of-gravity-goes-to-schools-2.html

http://ghpolisner.blogspot.com/2012/04/pull-of-gravity-goes-to-school-3.html

http://ghpolisner.blogspot.com/2012/05/pull-of-gravity-goes-to-schools-4.html

http://ghpolisner.blogspot.com/2012/06/pull-of-gravity-goes-to-schools.html

One of Those Truly Meaningful Days

Lately, I've been talking a lot about what it means to matter. If not here on this YA Blog so much, then on my women's fiction blog, Trying to Stay Afloat...

For me, so much of my self-worth feels tangled up with my writing career, and what it means to be successful there.

And in this publishing climate -- where being commercial can be more important than being good -- it's a tentative place to rest one's self-esteem.

Sometimes, I worry too much about what I haven't achieved yet, instead of what I have. Some of that is ego, sure. But part of it is truly the desire to leave some small, indelible mark on this world that actually matters.

So, while another day passed without an email in my inbox announcing a book deal for Frankie Sky (I don't matter! I don't matter!), I spent the afternoon at a local high school in one of the lower-income school districts (comparatively) on Long Island, not too far from my home. When I got home, I emailed this note to a few of my close author friends:

"If I ever complain again, remind me of this day."

The rest of this blog post is extracted from the remainder of my note to them:

"I got to the school and there were posters all over.

The teachers, librarian, and principal were there to greet me, and were all so excited for my visit. The school had ordered 50 copies of my book this past fall after one of its awesome teachers had heard me do a reading at a bookstore and thought it would be a good addition to the curriculum, as the school teaches Of Mice and Men.

The students came in -- they had stayed after, by invitiation only, for extra credit, and there were 50 of them, one for each copy of the book that had been temporarily distributed in connection with the unit.

The kids were smart, engaged, warm, funny, and respectful, and completely enthralled with the book.

I talked about my journey to get published and how subjective criticism is. And, how to persevere when rejection keeps flowing in. I applied this concept to sports, art, and life in general. As I spoke, faces paid attention and heads nodded. As I spoke, I reminded MYSELF to heed my own words, if I meant them. And, I did. I meant them.

After, we talked about Nick, Jaycee and the Scoot. The kids asked endless (smart, amazing!) questions about the book. They wanted me to sign everything. Their tickets, pieces of scrap paper, bookmarks. They wanted to know if there's a sequel coming. They want a movie. And, most importantly, they want
my next book NOW.

I read aloud from the opening of Frankie Sky, and they went nuts for it. Even if no editors, yet, are. . .

At the end, the principal stood up and announced that, given the amazing display of enthusiasm he had just seen, he had decided to let the kids keep the books -- that the kids could take the 50 school hardcover copies home with them, if they wanted. It blew me away, but cheers actually erupted. I'm not kidding. As they ran up to get them signed, the principal held the late buses for 15 minutes...

Not a single copy of the book was left behind.

After the students left, the teacher who originally brought the book into the school told me she actually got teary-eyed at her principal's gesture, though she was not surprised by it because it is the kind of administrator he is. "These are not kids that are just given books, or that get to meet authors and talk with them . . . " she said.

As we walked to my car, she told me that the book stuff was all fun and cool, but that she was most grateful that I had talked about the subjectivity of art, and about rejection and perseverance. She said she could see the kids' faces taking it in, and internalizing it. She said she hoped that, if they took nothing else from the day, it would be that one thing, because it was a message they so badly needed.

Me, too, I kept thinking, me, too.

As for the book's future in the school next year, the principal assured me he'll be ordering 50 new copies for the fall.

Man, talk about your "shaky: districts. ;)"

I drove home elated, trying to memorize the feelings swirling in my heart and brain, reminding myself to hold onto the more important aspects of what I do.

I might not ever have the huge success I'm hoping for (whatever that is), but today, to a few kids, and a few teachers, for a few short hours, what I do mattered. To them, and to me.

- gae