tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post862506728099544312..comments2024-03-25T11:29:49.222-07:00Comments on That Wee Bit Heap: Friday Feedback With Amy Fellner Dominy (& Nate Evans!): How Mean Can You Be?gae polisnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comBlogger97125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-23524318300548704552022-02-25T04:46:55.757-08:002022-02-25T04:46:55.757-08:00Great post, thank you for sharing with us. Persona...Great post, thank you for sharing with us. Personally I think overjoyed I discovered the blogs. <a href="https://www.totosafeguide.com" title="먹튀검증" rel="nofollow">먹튀검증</a><br /><br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12354739611553817861noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-8989628050962245292017-07-29T10:40:25.507-07:002017-07-29T10:40:25.507-07:00Thanks Gae and Amy, I so appreciate the feedback. ...Thanks Gae and Amy, I so appreciate the feedback. Sorry for the late entry! Charlie is meant to be thirteen. Young in some ways, but an old soul as well!Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-40539200305673662752017-07-29T08:02:41.886-07:002017-07-29T08:02:41.886-07:00Thank you for your thoughts, Gae and Amy! This sec...Thank you for your thoughts, Gae and Amy! This section was from a part of my book that I'd gotten stuck on (the dreaded chapter 7), so I'm glad that this bit is working.Andrea Mackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15250681746122381149noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-78700973907371752912017-07-29T07:58:36.487-07:002017-07-29T07:58:36.487-07:00Believe it or not, Crystal, many of us still know ...Believe it or not, Crystal, many of us still know that reject mountain well. And I am constantly amazed by the generosity of authors I know... it's a really amazing thing to witness. Glad it is helping! <3 gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-5246573699581658672017-07-29T01:32:02.039-07:002017-07-29T01:32:02.039-07:00Wow, Gae, Betsy, and Amy, thank you so much for yo...Wow, Gae, Betsy, and Amy, thank you so much for your input. I am really learning so much this month. I've got a long list of things to figure out and then practice -- character development, conflict, real problems the reader can identify with, just writing substantial word counts, plot (What's that? my writing screams), but today you've given me some goals I can work on. Today I will redo this scene, taking in your ideas. POV, dialogue tags (I knew that once upon a time, Betsy), being realistic and not hyperbolic (that was my hope, Gae). <br /><br />These are all literature elements that I teach, but now putting them into practice is humbling me. (In a good way!) <br /><br />And thank you, dear Amy, for your thoughtful feedback and questions to answer as I work. Thank you so much for coming back after 5 pm, too! <br /><br />Warmly, <br />Denise Denise Krebshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00583406241247334445noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-87331078403846177992017-07-28T21:22:19.191-07:002017-07-28T21:22:19.191-07:00Thanks, Amy. I'll do that. That's the one ...Thanks, Amy. I'll do that. That's the one line that I can't seem to get quite right. I'm thinking this will wind up being a book specifically for teachers with a sense of humor, rather than aimed at kids. Thanks again!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01188328750834202634noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-19322627847292253582017-07-28T21:12:58.889-07:002017-07-28T21:12:58.889-07:00Hi Betsy,
This made me smile--thank you for that!...Hi Betsy, <br />This made me smile--thank you for that! <br />I love the idea of a compilation of poems. This is so fun. The title is perfect as is the ending. <br /><br />I've tinkered around with rhyming picture books, but quickly realized that rhyming is an art unto itself and much harder than it looks. I'm no expert, but so much of this does read smoothly (Though maybe something is a little off in the first stanza with "the Joe's"? ) I'd just suggest you keep reading it out loud...and keep working on it! <br />:)<br />Amy Fellner Dominyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02443753580296658999noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-46728504891252820692017-07-28T21:05:57.266-07:002017-07-28T21:05:57.266-07:00Thanks for sharing your scene!
I have to say tha...Thanks for sharing your scene! <br /><br />I have to say that I had no idea what was happening at the beginning, but once I found out that it was drugs, then it made sense. I think that can work--we're as confused as the characters in the story. <br /><br />For me, the scene works best when we're in the point of view of his friend. She thinks Tim is acting crazy and her response is exactly what I'd expect. I'm wondering why you switched to the mom's point of view after that? Do you need to do that? Can keep the story in the world of the teens? I'd recommend this for a couple of reasons. One, it's more confusing when you slip out of one character's head and into another. If you definitely want to do that, think about breaking them up by chapter. Two, if this is a young adult novel, you want to focus your story on the teens. How will they deal with what's happening? This can be a hugely dramatic scene--so much great stuff to delve into here if they are teens faced with a friend who might be in danger of dying from drugs. <br /><br />If this isn't the direction you want to take your story, then ignore my comments. It's hard sometimes when I'm only reading a short passage. But this is definitely an important issue and I wish you luck as you move forward! <br />Amy Fellner Dominyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02443753580296658999noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-14983759641939003002017-07-28T20:49:37.562-07:002017-07-28T20:49:37.562-07:00Hi Denise,
You've got a very dramatic moment ...Hi Denise, <br />You've got a very dramatic moment here with a student's death. I felt like your final line, "no more nit wits" was really strong because it felt like a comment that had been said before--maybe to that girl. I'm not sure if this is a story about bullying, but I'm wondering about that now. And where is Bailey? Those are interesting questions that make me want to read on!<br /><br />Since we don't know Scott--haven't gotten to know him in the story, we'll take our cues of how to feel about him from the main character. It's not clear here who that is and who is telling us about this. Can you connect this to a person--make us "feel" this through their eyes? What does this mean to that person? How does it complicate or change their life? Understanding that will really help draw your reader even more into the story. <br /><br />Thanks so much for your feedback, as well. The "breath" and "breathable" were inadvertent, but I can see how you might make the connection. It's so interesting what people pick up on. If it's brilliant, I just take credit for it whether I meant to add it or not. :) <br /><br />Keep moving forward!<br />Amy Fellner Dominyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02443753580296658999noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-6843026507395434692017-07-28T20:34:16.853-07:002017-07-28T20:34:16.853-07:00Hi Martha,
Sorry for the late night reply, but h...Hi Martha, <br /><br />Sorry for the late night reply, but here I am! <br /> <br />I have to echo Gae because I loved the stick of gum description too. I also loved her wondering what happens to her sweat--that gives me a sense of your character and her sense of humor and the way she sees the world--with maybe just a hint of practicality. The introduction of the scars was a surprise, but I actually thought it worked fine in this situation--to go from light to something serious.<br /><br />You've got me wondering where she's going and if it's something important to her or not--I'm hoping for complications naturally. ;)<br /> <br />Thanks for sharing and keep moving forward!Amy Fellner Dominyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02443753580296658999noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-69424633571635709522017-07-28T20:26:01.159-07:002017-07-28T20:26:01.159-07:00Hi Andrea,
What a great twist--I loved this scene...Hi Andrea, <br />What a great twist--I loved this scene for the unexpectedness of it all. Now I'm hooked and wondering why this girl wants to get rid of Whisper. (Putting the treats in the shoe was such a nice touch!) <br />I'm wondering if it has something to do with the skateboard wheels. Whether it does or not, it's a nice detail because it gets me guessing<br /><br />You've done a great job laying out the problem here. And you get extra credit for creating such an unusual problem! Keep going--and I'd definitely suggest being as inventive as you can with ways for her to get rid of Whisper. It's very fun! (Does that make me evil?) ;) <br /><br />Amy Fellner Dominyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02443753580296658999noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-70297167448634837202017-07-28T20:25:54.652-07:002017-07-28T20:25:54.652-07:00Hi Denise,
You've got a nice scene set up, fi...Hi Denise,<br /><br />You've got a nice scene set up, filled with conflict. And I love a good death in a book! It definitely leaves me with a lot of questions, and would make me keep reading. Personally, I wasn't sure who was telling the story in this snippet. At times the voice seemed distinctly kid, but at other times it felt more omniscient and too distant. I wanted to feel like I was inside a specific character's thoughts, to get their reaction to the news so I could compare and contrast it with how the other characters took the news.<br /><br />Also, the dialogue tags tripped me up. We have said, spoke, asked, wailed, answered, and whispered. I don't know about other editors out there but mine makes me stick with "said" most of the time because it becomes an invisible word, improving flow. Either that or she has me delete the dialogue tag altogether, which can make a scene more dramatic sometimes. <br /><br />Good luck! Betsy Newmeyerhttp://www.elizabethjanette.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-21726420947624504182017-07-28T20:21:15.072-07:002017-07-28T20:21:15.072-07:00Also, 12K words is AMAZING!!! GO YOU!!!!Also, 12K words is AMAZING!!! GO YOU!!!!gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-63138964619904734542017-07-28T20:20:56.687-07:002017-07-28T20:20:56.687-07:00Nope! It's a perfect way to do it. Carry on! &...Nope! It's a perfect way to do it. Carry on! <3 gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-4150827198419475042017-07-28T20:18:11.919-07:002017-07-28T20:18:11.919-07:00Hi Emily,
This scene really tugs at my heart! I l...Hi Emily, <br />This scene really tugs at my heart! I love how you use the clothes tag to bring me in to the situation--the death, the crumbling parents, Charlie's own confusion and worry over Bella's comfort. It's very poignant and exactly the kind of detail that feels real and important. So nice!<br /><br />I'm wondering now what will Charlie do? Will she go to find Bella? I'm definitely interested in knowing more--and I want her to be okay. She's protective of her sister even though she's dead which is really wonderful characterization.<br /><br />My one question is about her age. My impression is that she's younger--late elementary or maybe middle school. But she talks about being melancholy, and about milestones, which feels older. I wonder if she might be more focused on ways her daily life will be different? A younger child would be (I think), and that might be a way you can give insight into the relationship and how Charlie's world is forever changed.<br /><br />Thanks for sharing and keep writing forward! <br />Amy Fellner Dominyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02443753580296658999noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-56517836350017224472017-07-28T19:58:19.820-07:002017-07-28T19:58:19.820-07:00Hi, Denise, as I've mentioned above, I don'...Hi, Denise, as I've mentioned above, I don't ask guest authors to come back after 5 pm their time, so you may be stuck with only me...<br /><br />You have a strong moment here, obviously full of emotion -- the loss of a young student. And then increasing the tension of the moment, the fact that at least one peer didn't like him. The one thing I'd watch out for is unintentionally overstating something so as to make it feel not authentic. The line where Debra wails and vomits it out so explosively feels like more than it needs to be and has me the reader distracted by trying to figure out if it could be such a strong reaction vs. just vomiting it out which seems like what a kid would do -- blurt insensitive information. Otherwise, it feels cartoonish.. and the follow up actions are hard to picture too. Did it really make EVERYONE take an extra breath? Had Debra NEVER shown any emotion, or did she rarely? Merely food for thought to keep writing organic and authentic unless you are going for a really hyperbolic sort of character in which case ignore everything I just wrote! :D gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-36181872153240080642017-07-28T19:51:50.862-07:002017-07-28T19:51:50.862-07:00I wish, Gae. I'm about 12,000 words in. Wrote ...I wish, Gae. I'm about 12,000 words in. Wrote the first 5 chapters, and then the last 5. Now, I just need to connect the dots. :) Probably not the typical writing process...but then again, is there any such thing?sandyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05847472032157078587noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-3509474543741889272017-07-28T19:35:13.441-07:002017-07-28T19:35:13.441-07:00Hi, Martha, not sure if Amy will return or not -- ...Hi, Martha, not sure if Amy will return or not -- I never ask hosts to stay past 5 pm their time -- so want to chime quickly in.<br /><br />I love this excerpt as it is both funny and intriguing and unexpectedly goes from light to dark pulling the reader in. I adore the stick of gum description and can picture it so perfectly. I am curious if this is the first time you mention the scars? If it is, wonder if you could finesse it a tiny bit (unless you intend this to be totally campy in which event do not!!) Not give away all the information all at once. E.g. maybe just use the word scars and leave us wondering about what kind of scars and why? But again, out of context, hard to know if this is good advice or off base! In any event, totally intriguing stuff! Keep going. :) gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-68124972340324545362017-07-28T19:20:04.834-07:002017-07-28T19:20:04.834-07:00Andrea, I'm fascinated (and a little upset in ...Andrea, I'm fascinated (and a little upset in a good way) by this... why does she want to get rid of Whisper?! Why?!?!?! But that's intriguing too and so it makes me curious about so much. There's also a charm to this dog who won't really do too much more damage than chewing up tissues (Good Whisper!!!). Love what you've got here. Hope Amy might be back to chime in. Keep going!gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-18406112703015287802017-07-28T19:19:09.160-07:002017-07-28T19:19:09.160-07:00OMG! I had another "John Hughes Fist Pump in...OMG! I had another "John Hughes Fist Pump in the Parking Lot Moment" (tm), Gae! lol It was fantastic feedback! It gave me *tons* of jumping off spots. I'm also sitting here thinking about how to pull off that Kid's Guide to Scribing. I don't think you know, Gae, how incredibly generous and valuable Teachers Write is (including this Friday Feedback)....esp. to us languishing here on top of Query (and Reject) Mountain. I think I can safely say from the bottom of all our collective hearts, "Thanks!"Crystal Lambhttps://goo.gl/NpZZh6noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-46946830488728265472017-07-28T19:08:19.475-07:002017-07-28T19:08:19.475-07:00Emily, I hope Amy will be back again to chime in -...Emily, I hope Amy will be back again to chime in -- I never ask my guest host authors to stay past 5 pm their time on a Friday... but I'm hoping she does see this because you know how I feel about this opening and your writing. It takes my breath away! gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-953042736058919122017-07-28T19:06:43.476-07:002017-07-28T19:06:43.476-07:00Sandy, what do you mean toward the END of your YA ...Sandy, what do you mean toward the END of your YA novel?!?! Have you written that much in a month?!?! I'd be so freaking jealous!!! And Amy gives spot on feedback for REVISION when you get there. <3 <br />gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-77190592127219177622017-07-28T19:04:54.874-07:002017-07-28T19:04:54.874-07:00Many beautiful and evocative lines... I am a bit u...Many beautiful and evocative lines... I am a bit ungrounded and if this were the opening would ask to be more... but if it is not, then I imagine in context I would be. <br /><br />This is the one that really drew me: "I tagged along, the nest unraveled and trailed just next to him like a kite unwilling to completely be controlled by the string and the runner." And that last paragraph... Wow. gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-9847072556043780432017-07-28T18:14:32.254-07:002017-07-28T18:14:32.254-07:00I really love this too, Jen, and think Amy gives y...I really love this too, Jen, and think Amy gives you some wonderful tips for pushing forward. I definitely think you have a beginning -- or ending! -- of a compelling story. Look forward to reading more. YAY!!!!gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-42683318601159346402017-07-28T18:07:47.607-07:002017-07-28T18:07:47.607-07:00Hmmmm, it could go either way... remind me Wednesd...Hmmmm, it could go either way... remind me Wednesday to talk about that "one step over" thing and we'll use this as an example and a group poll. :D gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.com