tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post738374158463947289..comments2024-03-25T11:29:49.222-07:00Comments on That Wee Bit Heap: OyMG, it's Friday AGAIN?!?!gae polisnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-88626297271176269782011-03-22T12:45:52.614-07:002011-03-22T12:45:52.614-07:00LOVE the beginning of Amy's next book. Such gr...LOVE the beginning of Amy's next book. Such great humor and voice! Eager to read it - as well as her first one.<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-62920909243668790322011-03-19T14:23:39.916-07:002011-03-19T14:23:39.916-07:00Great *ways* to work on it lolGreat *ways* to work on it lolEllienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-27283101078516541002011-03-19T14:22:14.233-07:002011-03-19T14:22:14.233-07:00Ellie is a great name, for the record lol I do lik...Ellie is a great name, for the record lol I do like Tatum though :)<br />I knew it needed something. Now it looks like it might need two somethings, but at least I know what they are now. More build up at the top, and cut back at the bottom lol Thanks for the help guys. I couldn't figure it out and you've both given me great to work on it :)Ellienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-91430118322367392912011-03-19T13:19:54.129-07:002011-03-19T13:19:54.129-07:00Hi All,
Thanks for comments!
Cari -- hugs!!
E...Hi All, <br />Thanks for comments! <br /><br />Cari -- hugs!! <br />Ellie -- I'll tell my daughter you like the name Tatum. She says I come up with terrible character names and so I let her name the protagonist in this book -- which is how I ended up with Tatum. For the record, I think I come up with great character names. Ellie is the star of OyMG, so I'm guessing you'll agree. :-)<br /><br />I really like your scene, Ellie. I'm drawn in through the situation that develops. The way you use actual distance to create emotional distance is great. If I had one suggestion, it would be that you add in some description of the night in that first paragraph. They walk past five houses...is it cold? Is the breeze prickling over her skin? Or is it hot...stifling? She can't breathe? Is the ground uneven, does it smell unclean? In other words, perhaps you can draw a fuller picture of her world and at the same time build the mood, her discomfort (and mine). <br />Nice work -- keep going!Amy Fellner Dominyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02443753580296658999noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-48092796264090450552011-03-19T07:06:52.547-07:002011-03-19T07:06:52.547-07:00I don't mind at all that you tweaked it. You w...I don't mind at all that you tweaked it. You were right about the urgency too. Maybe that's what it was. I'll work on it :)<br /><br />A pro? Serious? Wow! Thanks a bunch, Gae xDEllienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-50776414080798902092011-03-19T06:18:23.556-07:002011-03-19T06:18:23.556-07:00Ellie, I agree that Amy's is too short. I shou...Ellie, I agree that Amy's is too short. I should have made her give me more! But I love how her humor is right there from the first lines, in your face!<br /><br />As for yours, for a rough draft for me, it TOTALLY works, and it's nice to see your prose writing vs. poems. IMHO you write like a pro, girl. If anything, I think, given the intensity of the situation, if you pull out a few words (even though they're good words creative-writing wise), scale back the writing, the urgency will come more(THIS IS NOT AN INVITATION TO REWRITE ANYONE'S WORK (taking out a few words and leaving the writing is different than rewriting and changes voice! I say so and I AM THE BOSS OF THIS SITE! :D). I only did the last two paras. See what you think of it now:<br /><br />I try to break the kiss, but his grip tightens around my neck, and his tongue probes deeper. I gag and shove him, but he (holds on?) drags me to the nearby wall and sandwiches me. His mouth is back on mine, tongue in place before I think to scream. I try anyway, my muffled voice weak like me.<br /><br />I scream again, trying to be louder this time, and the response I get is (hard?) against my pelvis. The shock of my situation brings a waterfall of tears streaming down my face, into my mouth, and I'm willing to bet, into his too. He doesn't seem to care.<br /><br />Anyway, either way you slice it Ellie, you've done a great job with this scene.gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-46387084000566017472011-03-18T06:52:46.772-07:002011-03-18T06:52:46.772-07:00Sounds like quite the dilemma. Her name is Tatum? ...Sounds like quite the dilemma. Her name is Tatum? I kinda like that.<br />I think the only downfall of this is that it is so short. It leaves me with many questions, but I suppose that isn't exactly a bad thing.<br />I'm especially curious about what is up with Michael...hmm<br /><br /><br />Ok so, my bit would be somewhere in the middle of the story. It's an important part, but to me it feels like there is something wrong. Maybe it's not detailed enough? or something? I don't know but I can't figure it out. Help?<br /><br /><br />"C'mon, let's go!" he holds his hand out to me, "It isn't that far, we can walk. I know that way."<br />I press my lips together, and briefly hesitate before putting my hand in his. He leads me away from the side walk to a dirt path leading through someones backyard. I squeeze his fingers, feeling the doubt seep in with the darkness.<br />We pass five houses, and an empty playground, before we get to a group of three convenience stores with no lights on.<br />I stop walking, letting the distance grow between us. Our arms outstretched.<br />"How far?" I ask.<br />He backtracks until he's so close to me, I feel his breath on my face. It smells like smoke. The grin on his face is a bit unsettling.<br />"A little farther than I thought, but what's the rush?" He strokes my cheek and leans in. His lips are hard against mine. Fast and urgent. I attempt to kiss back the same way. I've done this before, right?<br />That thought brings my skin to a crawl, and I desperately try to hide my unease. I wonder if he can tell. I wonder if he does notice, will he care? That's ridiculous. He's my boyfriend, why wouldn't he care?<br />One of his hands slides lower on my hip while the other hand reaches for my neck. He pulls me closer with both.<br />I gasp into his mouth, not knowing what to do,and his tongue slides in.<br />I try to break the kiss, but his grip tightens around my neck, and his tongue probes deeper. I gag, and shove him with my arms, but he just drags me two steps to the nearby wall and sandwiches me between it and him. His mouth is back on mine, tongue in place before I even think to scream. I give it a shot anyway.<br />My muffled voice sounds weak, formed around the slimy intruder, and unable to escape. Just like me.<br />I scream again, trying to be louder this time, and the response I get is one against my pelvis.<br />The shock of my situation brings a waterfall of tears streaming down my face, into my mouth, and I'm willing to bet, into his too. He doesn't seem to care.Ellienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-82521215927760367712011-03-17T21:01:58.743-07:002011-03-17T21:01:58.743-07:002K11 authors are awesome! Hi AMY!!!!2K11 authors are awesome! Hi AMY!!!!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02961095604798548463noreply@blogger.com