tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post6823151750887925982..comments2024-03-18T18:37:19.660-07:00Comments on That Wee Bit Heap: Friday Feedback: First delirious sentences before the brick wall...gae polisnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comBlogger50125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-52615775415483000162014-11-22T17:31:41.770-08:002014-11-22T17:31:41.770-08:00Thanks for asking, Gae!
Will be tough for at least...Thanks for asking, Gae!<br />Will be tough for at least another month - no lifting the arm unassisted while the repair knits. Better every day, just slow as molasses and computing isn't ideal.<br />When I wasn't sleeping at 5:30 this morning though, I realized that this mystery needs to begin with the crime, robbery of the dockworkers' payroll (with roots in historical fact) to move it along better. THanks to Kate Messner's REAL REVISION, I'm learning a ton about this books and about my own Kate's story... :-)Valerie Steinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-72406915175644448292014-11-22T14:02:12.052-08:002014-11-22T14:02:12.052-08:00YAY!YAY!Gae Polisnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-57356965569213053782014-11-22T11:29:48.539-08:002014-11-22T11:29:48.539-08:00Thanks so much. I love your edit. I'm trying t...Thanks so much. I love your edit. I'm trying to convey what it is like to feel with certainty something is imminent, even though she logically knows it isn't, as opposed to thinking about what would happen if the phone rang. I think this helps not break the flow of the anxiety. Thank you!Janenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-66966909940662926162014-11-22T08:52:58.314-08:002014-11-22T08:52:58.314-08:00Thank you for holding Friday Feedback again! I don...Thank you for holding Friday Feedback again! I don't mind waiting, despite my attentiveness. I just appreciate getting an outside pair of eyes on it.Terry Turnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-53059502476421915852014-11-22T08:41:36.957-08:002014-11-22T08:41:36.957-08:00Just happy to see your name pop up here, Valerie. ...Just happy to see your name pop up here, Valerie. Sorry the typing is still challenging! Wish you speedy healing... wondering if six days later, you're doing better? Hope there's been leaps and bounds of improvement! <3Gae Polisnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-83043093215943860082014-11-22T08:39:45.401-08:002014-11-22T08:39:45.401-08:00Hah! What a great ending to that moment, Terry!
I...Hah! What a great ending to that moment, Terry!<br /><br />Isn't it grand when you're all excited about a new character? You've got some gems going here. What more is there to say this early on but keep going! <br /><br />Sorry if you waited hours for that, but really, it's just fun early stuff with your trademark mix of poignant (bordering on knowing it's going to be heartbreaking) and funny. And I love it. So go on.Gae Polisnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-43689008203271116982014-11-22T08:26:11.300-08:002014-11-22T08:26:11.300-08:00Wow, Linda, what an interesting important story yo...Wow, Linda, what an interesting important story you seem to be telling here... and an interesting challenge to separate out the voices. Because, yes, if there are three distinct voices here, I crave to hear them and really see them too. <br /><br />I'm not a verse writer, really, though my current manuscript sort of has one of the two MC's perspective in a sort of stream of consciousness free verse type of thing. In that manuscript, the girl's sections are in italics and preceded by a symbol that represents her sections. Have NO idea, if bought, how the editor/publisher would end up wanting to represent her sections.<br /><br />Still, one thing you could do in the early versions of the MS, is literally put their names in front of their sections or put each of their sections in a unique font, and then work to give them less superficial things that stand out in their voices so that, in the end, if you took away the unique font or names, you'd still know who was who. Maybe one of them says, Yo before everything he says, the way Obama says, "Look," before almost everything he says. Maybe one of them has a tic or a stutter. The trick is always to limit the usage so it's not distracting or annoying and to make sure it feels authentic to the character. <br /><br />Does this help at all? I'd love love love to see what you come up with, and would LOVE other reader/writers to chime in! <3Gae Polisnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-9553395558074459202014-11-22T08:12:07.863-08:002014-11-22T08:12:07.863-08:00Jane, nothing new from me today... was singularly ...Jane, nothing new from me today... was singularly uncreative last week... excited to read new stuff from all of you though... yay!!<br /><br />I think I'll also use some of Will Ritter's LAW format today . . . it's a good one, so here we go:<br /><br />I LOVE: "Except my sixth sense is a liar, full of false alarms" and "My ears make ocean sounds in the silence." I am intrigued by what is going on with this character<br /><br />I might think about ALTERING the baseball section because it pops me out of the flow of angsty emotion the MC is feeling. Funnily enough, it is something I do in my manuscripts constantly, and then often -- but not always -- change: talk to the reader when I really shouldn't be. I don't know if you shouldn't be or actually should be... maybe the latter because it's something this character is doing all along, and simply out of context it pops me out. If not, maybe: <br /><br />It's like when someone hits a ball your way and, in the second before it smashes into your face, somehow you see it, you sense it, and you know it’s going to hurt, so you turn away right before it actually does.<br /><br /><br /><br />WONDER: I wonder what it is that is making this character feel this way in the middle of the night... so many of us know this feeling and I'm sort of dying to know what it is. So, kudos!<br /><br />Keep going!Gae Polisnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-71534835224796837352014-11-21T19:14:35.858-08:002014-11-21T19:14:35.858-08:00Gae,
Another Friday Feedback? I hope you have a sa...Gae,<br />Another Friday Feedback? I hope you have a safe trip home and aren't bombarded by our submissions when you arrive. I'm missing having something of yours to comment on, so I'm hoping you'll post when you get home. This is from early in my WIP. Thanks! -Jane<br /><br />I lie smack in the middle of my bed in the dark, stiff as a<br />board, listening. The phone is going to ring. I can feel it. A raw feeling lodges in my throat. I try counting the circles in the ceiling medallions to make the feeling go away.<br /><br />You know how, if someone hits a ball your way and, right in the<br />second before it smashes into your face, you see it, and you know it’s going to hurt? How sometimes you can feel it hit you before it actually does?<br /><br />It's like that. My sixth sense. I can feel bad things<br />coming. Except my sixth sense is a liar, full of false alarms.<br /><br />The phone isn’t ringing, and I know my brain is lying, but<br />the feeling is so strong, I can’t think of anything else. My whole body tingles.The only reason a phone rings at night is bad news. Grandpa. What if something has happened to Grandpa?<br /><br />My ears make ocean sounds in the silence.Janenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-76355106531037001362014-11-21T16:57:48.644-08:002014-11-21T16:57:48.644-08:00Taking you up on the offer of sharing last week AN...Taking you up on the offer of sharing last week AND this week....because it's such a golden opportunity. THANKS SO MUCH! I realize you are traveling home after a wonderful day at NTCE. I hope you got to meet other great writers. It makes me SO happy when writers I meet and also have fun together. All the pics on fb are super!<br /><br />Here is a snip from a poem. My challenge is beyond just revision. I'm not sure how to format this poem so that all three characters (Josue, Tito Miguel and Mom) voices are clear and distinct. I think you will see...as soon what I mean as confusion is a problem.<br /><br />...He tells me again<br />about the sand and <br />boring watch duty and <br />getting care packages from<br />my mom, pictures of me<br />in preschool. <br /><br />I don’t mind.<br />I like his stories.<br />I ask him about the<br />word honor….Tito Miguel I get<br />extra credit if I write a few<br />sentences about honor.<br />What do you think I could write <br />about?<br /><br />Hmmmmmmmmmm. Let me think<br />about that he says. You gonna<br />be around later today?<br />Yah, it’s a day off and Luis <br />and I are hanging out at my house.<br />OK I’ll be by.<br /><br />After dinner I give up<br />on Miguel. <br />It’s not the first time he’s ditched me<br />I’ve gotten my assignment done with<br />bits of stories he’s already<br />shared with me about being an <br />MP in the Army.<br /><br />I’m in bed asleep past<br />midnight<br />when I hear my mom shushing <br />outside my door. <br />He’s asleep, she says.<br />I’ll just put this on his night stand.<br />He doesn’t need it, Miguel. Go<br />home, go to bed.<br />I want him to have it.<br /><br />I call out sleepily….Mom? Tito?<br />Miguel steps in on the<br />balls of his feet. <br />He smells like he’s had<br />a few beers as he sits down on<br />the side of my bed and <br />tries to push my hair out of my eyes<br />like I’m a baby.<br /><br />Cut it out I murmur.<br />Josue….honor isn’t something<br />I can tell you about.<br />I’ve been thinking about it and <br />everyone I know from before<br />the army and since…they<br />don’t really hit the mark…including me.<br />But there is one…his voice breaks.<br />There is one who saved me<br />and showed me. <br /><br />Miguel fumbles with my covers<br />to find my hand and presses<br />a metal dog tag into it<br />The light from the hallway<br />is enough for me to see that it’s <br />an actual dog tag…from Ranger<br />the bomb sniffing dog that<br />was Miguel’s partner his <br />entire time in Iraq searching<br />the base perimeter for IEDs<br />and other explosives.<br /><br />Miguel came back to<br />the US stressed out after a couple tours.<br />Ranger stayed with a new handler<br />until he died after a seizure—maybe heat stroke. <br />Ronnie, Ranger’s last handler<br />sent his tags and medals<br />back to Miguel who keeps them<br />in a box next to his bed.<br /><br />He whispers to me now…but<br />I know he’s picturing Ranger…<br />respect, duty, loyalty, selfless service,<br />integrity and personal courage in <br />everything you do…that is honor.<br /><br />Thank you Miguel<br /><br />Goodnight kid. Good luck<br />on your assignment.<br />I got this, Tito<br />You’re the best.Linda Mitchellnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-9431083027825871442014-11-21T16:48:48.950-08:002014-11-21T16:48:48.950-08:00Gae-
I hope your drive home is swift and safe!
...Gae-<br /><br />I hope your drive home is swift and safe! <br /><br />I've started playing around with a new mc, and was surprised to realize she's a YA. So I'm eager to throw this piece out into the fray, all rough and tumble. (gulps!)<br />___<br /><br />I wasn’t sure I wanted to share the new kids. My new relatives. This was my one shot to talk to other people who didn’t know that in<br />first grade, Spenser Ross threw up on me and I pulled off all those nasty clothes even though in first grade we’re too old for getting naked just anywhere. Frankly, I might do the same thing right now, even in sixth grade. Vomit is nasty.<br /><br />But that’s the thing. I kind of wanted to keep them to myself for a while. To enjoy being a mystery, not the uncooperative kid. <br /><br />That was on every one of my report cards. <i>Uncooperative. Doesn’t follow classroom rules. Seems like a nice girl, but refuses to participate above a minimum. I feel Piper is very bright, but she is unwilling to fulfill her potential.</i><br /><br />Why am I uncooperative? Well, other than preferring to keep some of myself sacred, teachers never listen. For example: every year on the first day of school, they go down the attendance and call our names, as if they’ve never met us before. “Piper Lawrence,” the teacher will call. <br /><br />And I’ll answer. I’ll politely say, “Here. Please call me Pippa.”<br /><br />Not since preschool have any of the teachers called me Pippa. <br /><br />So screw them.Terry Turnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-60012250800779921442014-11-16T10:22:51.656-08:002014-11-16T10:22:51.656-08:00Wish I could pop in and comment on every post here...Wish I could pop in and comment on every post here - such great stuff, you guys!!! But this typing is still very challenging so I'll read and love them all.Valerie Steinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-5262738487606898492014-11-16T10:21:33.510-08:002014-11-16T10:21:33.510-08:00Thanks, Gae! <3 He has to read - it's his k...Thanks, Gae! <3 He has to read - it's his key to helping solve the mystery! I will indeed keep on - in this strange format - and getting the essence captured for now.Valerie Steinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-6666744823995743032014-11-16T10:20:43.541-08:002014-11-16T10:20:43.541-08:00I am just going to keep pluggin away and finding t...I am just going to keep pluggin away and finding the bones. No revisions for a long time, but I'll have the essence of it down for when my other WIP is moving on to the next stage. Thanks for your words!Valerie Steinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-57859786108725737152014-11-16T10:19:18.769-08:002014-11-16T10:19:18.769-08:00Ah, Jane. What Gae said. Wow. PLEASE keep going. :...Ah, Jane. What Gae said. Wow. PLEASE keep going. :-)Valerie Steinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-70018598798015067122014-11-15T14:40:54.829-08:002014-11-15T14:40:54.829-08:00My decision to contact Dr. Zexta Gio practically s...My decision to contact Dr. Zexta Gio practically saved my life. My husband was being so physically abusive to me and I thought there was no way out. I secretly ordered a protection spell from Dr. Zexta Gio one day while he was at work. He was so concerned about me and assured me I was doing the right thing. Right after I got the talisman, my husband suddenly agreed to go to couple’s counseling and anger management classes. I’m seeing a therapist on my own, too, and it all feels like it’s going to turn out alright. Thank you Dr. Zexta Gio, for your kind and benevolent aid. Much appreciation. You can contact Dr. Zexta Gio through his email: airehobhuanuagbontemple@yahoo.comSevda Guleanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-41189529962318562362014-11-15T04:49:00.147-08:002014-11-15T04:49:00.147-08:00You're absolutely correct!You're absolutely correct!Wendy Watts Scalfaronoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-57104455279933819402014-11-14T20:00:44.832-08:002014-11-14T20:00:44.832-08:00You're right, but I'm a chronic self-evisc...You're right, but I'm a chronic self-eviscerator, which sounds like some sort of thing to mention in the confessional, were I Catholic. I can't stop myself from editing as I go along. (While I edit and fluff--it's by no means hardcore revision (which also sounds vaguely nasty)). I'm going to stop, before I end up in purgatory or something. ;-)Tomzonetsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-6433651651305298282014-11-14T19:58:06.810-08:002014-11-14T19:58:06.810-08:00Like I said, I'm not sure it's really a mi...Like I said, I'm not sure it's really a mistake.. seems the term has been in usage and long, long time. But here the more old fashioned term might work well!Gae Polisnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-55106221774818443912014-11-14T19:57:02.410-08:002014-11-14T19:57:02.410-08:00Oh, Valerie, the hell you are working through to b...Oh, Valerie, the hell you are working through to bring Rivet to life. What a captivating unique subject. Hope he gets to read! Great start, what Jane said, yes, but right now just keep GOING! :)Gae Polisnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-30629652258408255602014-11-14T19:51:25.417-08:002014-11-14T19:51:25.417-08:00Nanowrimo isn't about quality. Write now, evis...Nanowrimo isn't about quality. Write now, eviscerate later!<br />Good luck-<br />TerryTerry Turnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-27877153084136027172014-11-14T19:50:36.795-08:002014-11-14T19:50:36.795-08:00Awesome! Thank you so much. I'm glad you caugh...Awesome! Thank you so much. I'm glad you caught the "girlfriend" mistake. I'm just working to "get it down" and plan to go back and tidy up the historical stuff. However, this I will fix immediately. <br /><br /><br />I understand about the puke/vomit stuff. :)Wendy Watts Scalfaronoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-91198365470823488342014-11-14T19:46:45.593-08:002014-11-14T19:46:45.593-08:00Christopher Moore is a genius, sort of like Tom Ro...Christopher Moore is a genius, sort of like Tom Robbins used to be. Thanks for the comparison, Terry. I'm at 34,000+. We'll see if I can get around to finishing it by 11/30. Believe me, it's not all as funny or creepy as the bit I posted. I'll see what my lone beta-reader says when she's done eviscerating it. lol<br /><br />Thanks again.<br /><br />tTomzonetsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-87040363935332926012014-11-14T19:45:56.818-08:002014-11-14T19:45:56.818-08:00Valerie,
I LOVE historical fiction (my MG is one a...Valerie,<br />I LOVE historical fiction (my MG is one also). I also love the whole idea of the danger that Rivet seems to be aware of (from his job and his stepfather). I'm nor worrying about altering anything just yet. I think that will come when you get to revision stage (just keep writing for now). I wonder what the mystery will be that he finds himself involved in and what part reading will play in his life. Love it!Wendy Watts Scalfaronoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-27247421810388343102014-11-14T19:37:50.069-08:002014-11-14T19:37:50.069-08:00that will be the ultimate balance... to let him ha...that will be the ultimate balance... to let him have his distance, but also have him draw the reader in. I think you are doing a stellar job... it was just a thought I had as I read that last bit. I <3 him. Go, Owen, go!Gae Polisnernoreply@blogger.com