tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post6687967194749395870..comments2024-03-25T11:29:49.222-07:00Comments on That Wee Bit Heap: Friday Feedback, Drafty First Drafts and Painting a Chairgae polisnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comBlogger114125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-70400405301805922862022-02-25T07:04:52.132-08:002022-02-25T07:04:52.132-08:00I am unable to read articles online very often, bu...I am unable to read articles online very often, but I’m glad I did today. This is very well written and your points are well-expressed. Please, don’t ever stop writing.<br /><a href="https://www.flipflopstore.com" rel="nofollow">cheap wedding flip flops</a><br />Tam Richardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05228313764979482499noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-42436263163276482992013-07-07T08:53:05.741-07:002013-07-07T08:53:05.741-07:00Thanks so much for all the feedback - I'm glad...Thanks so much for all the feedback - I'm glad I posted! Most encouraging is that my writing is hooking you, and that my characters are starting to feel real. Makes my day - I think I'm really finding my place in this story- and Kate's place, too.valeriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14963603652408959213noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-75304990730697598542013-07-07T08:30:00.375-07:002013-07-07T08:30:00.375-07:00Alissa- thanks for your input. I went back to tha...Alissa- thanks for your input. I went back to that section and tried to rework it a bit. I knew it was missing something else, but I couldn't put my finger on it when I was writing it the first time. I actually ended up writing the rest of the chapter with more dialogue and created another character for Temperance to interact with (something I was nervous about doing). It seems to flow better and have more "meat" to it. Thanks again!Reneehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13417703891824241126noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-81184509526632678702013-07-07T07:59:31.344-07:002013-07-07T07:59:31.344-07:00Thank you, Valerie for your kind words and for fin...Thank you, Valerie for your kind words and for finding some time to post your own excerpt. Don't you love when minor characters turn into something you never expected? As you can probably tell, I enjoy sassy female characters, so I really enjoyed reading your passage. It manages to convey both the setting and the characters nicely. I'm always a bit envious of anyone who manages to do a good job of telling stories in letters or journal entries. It's a style I struggle with, but clearly you don't have this problem. I was tripped up a little when Kate stops mid-letter to look around then goes back to the letter, but I think this was more the limits of posting via a blog comment since it doesn't allow for italics to set of the letter from the other stuff. Alissa Grossohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16701189791875707920noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-90920841514570943852013-07-06T21:00:45.670-07:002013-07-06T21:00:45.670-07:00Looking back at.it, I agree. She needs a bigger r...Looking back at.it, I agree. She needs a bigger reaction. I will have to work on that. Not sure why I didn't pick up on that before but I'm glad you both caught it! Thanks!Reneehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13417703891824241126noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-23033115603333838322013-07-06T19:30:33.943-07:002013-07-06T19:30:33.943-07:00This drew me right in. The voice is authentic and ...This drew me right in. The voice is authentic and it raised my interest in what would happen next. I agree, though, that since she was assigned a witch trial project about a Ms. Bishop I wouldn't have expected her to take it so quietly. Eager to see the next piece.Janehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18274255055104730539noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-52271442083522378282013-07-06T16:51:51.618-07:002013-07-06T16:51:51.618-07:00I'm definitely hooked by the beginning posted ...I'm definitely hooked by the beginning posted here - this is a character I'd want to hang out with. I don't have an excerpt to post. I don't write much fiction, but I am toying with an idea....<br /><br />Thanks again for sharing your process and a bit of your story!Jaymiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02074879023566615830noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-86751911798776204292013-07-06T16:51:46.077-07:002013-07-06T16:51:46.077-07:00Thank you, thank you everyone for your comments an...Thank you, thank you everyone for your comments and especially Gae for the flash edit. Teachers Write is such an amazing resource of wonderful people!<br />Kathy<br />Kathyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17755691833082065679noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-91399163932548162192013-07-06T16:15:22.716-07:002013-07-06T16:15:22.716-07:00Valerie, so glad you posted! I love Kate and I lov...Valerie, so glad you posted! I love Kate and I love thi WIP. Today, especially this:<br /><br />The station master has been horrid, and as far as I can tell, he’s fetched a horrid young man to take me to Mrs.Wyatt’s house. I just hope I get there intact, with my trunk and my self all in one piece.<br /><br />Good stuff! Keep going!gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-75852098699628508272013-07-06T16:10:37.229-07:002013-07-06T16:10:37.229-07:00Hah, Shannon... love this at least until the toe h...Hah, Shannon... love this at least until the toe hair. If your goal is to make me feel your love for these yellow box flips, maybe replace line 8. Hmmm, how about, "My feet feel free, can wiggle each little piggy." ;) ? <br /><br />Meh, I'm not the best poet.<br />Keep going!gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-75489569392254321642013-07-06T16:07:05.047-07:002013-07-06T16:07:05.047-07:00Renee, as last Friday, am really enjoying your wor...Renee, as last Friday, am really enjoying your work... and subject matter and you have a great authentic teen voice down. I *thought* it was kind of a big deal when, after your protag has that dream, the teacher announces they will be doing projects on the witch trials, but your protag doesn't seem to react. Have I read that wrong. Are they already studying it and that's why she has the dream? If not, wouldn't it be kind of eerie -- and elicit a reaction to dream that and then have the teacher announce it? <br /><br />either way, great stuff! Keep going!<br />gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-32023308547885925082013-07-06T11:34:50.568-07:002013-07-06T11:34:50.568-07:00Jealous that everyone found time to post - I was f...Jealous that everyone found time to post - I was feeding folks at the big family gathering for a few days - but it's fun to read the 101 entries and comments!<br />Alissa, I so want to know more about your character, cocky and savvy - and something else. I really enjoy this opening. It hooks me. <br /><br />I almost decided not to post one, but... I must!<br />This piece gives a little picture of my MC's problems with a guy who used to be a very minor, very polite character. In this draft, he's changed into something entirely different.<br /><br />***<br /><br />Dear Mother,<br />I have arrived in Almira safely. At least, I have arrived at the train station safely. The station master has been horrid, and as far as I can tell, he’s fetched a horrid young man to take me to Mrs.Wyatt’s house. I just hope I get there intact, with my trunk and my self all in one piece.<br />Don’t worry, though. Soon enough, I’ll be there! I’m very glad you knew someone with connections. Did I tell you I’m to have a room of my own? Such luxury for a girl who’s shared for so long! I don’t even know what to feel like. There will be two other girls sharing the house with me. We’ve a full kitchen, and Mrs. Wyatt even said there’s a garden we’ll all be able to eat from. That is a blessing in these times.<br /><br />She looked up, hoping that Joe would appear soon. The sun had shifted and the heat was creeping toward her toes. She was ready to be done with this infernally endless day.<br /><br />The train journey was long and hot and dusty but in reality, it was all right. It was easier than some other modes of transportation! I did get a chance to work on some crochet, and I read a book or two. <br />I miss you, and I know you wish I had found work closer to home. Really, this was best for me, a clean break to get away from the family, at least for a time, while I prove I’m good for something besides taking care of the store.<br />Goodness, I am getting morose! I’ll set this aside until I get settled and can be a little more cheerful.<br /><br />Tucking the note away, Kate stood, determined to get herself to her destination once and for all. She snatched up her satchel, ready to do battle if necessary. Stepping around the corner and pushing open the door to the station, she was just in time to hear the tail end of a comment.<br />“…plucky little gal. She had gumption enough to haul that cart right out the door. “<br />“She did? Why’d she go and do that?”<br />“Funniest thing I seen in a long time, her strugglin’ with that blasted cart. I laughed fit to bust my sides when she got herself outside. I don’t know why these blame fool women think they got any reason to go around doin’ what’s meant for a man to do. Women should just let us do what we’re good at, and stay outta the way.”<br />Kate stepped forward then.valeriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14963603652408959213noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-89307048537590211402013-07-06T11:11:48.466-07:002013-07-06T11:11:48.466-07:00Thanks, Renee, and like you I wish I was that quic...Thanks, Renee, and like you I wish I was that quick and forthright when I was in school. Perhaps this is a little wish fulfillment on my part. I hadn't really put a lot of thought into the WWI assignment, I think I was just looking for something that was clearly a paper writing gig and not a tutoring assignment. This may need a little more thought on my part.<br /><br />And on that note, I love the way you blend history and contemporary life in your passage, with the promise that Temperance (great name!) is going to become immersed in her Salem Witch Trials research. I also love the way that Bridget Bishop and Temperance's teacher share a last name. Sounds like this is going to be important.<br /><br />I had no trouble picturing this classroom. Mrs. Bishop's explanation, the groans from the other students. It all seemed to flow nicely. I did notice that Temperance doesn't have much to do in this scene. Her internal thoughts kept her present in the story, but you might want to consider allowing her to interact a little with her fellow students or Mrs. Bishop to keep her from being a passive bystander. Of course, this is just a short selection. So, if Temperance gets plenty of opportunities for action or interaction before and after this scene, I wouldn't worry much about this.<br /><br />Nice passage, and good work!Alissa Grossohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16701189791875707920noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-27280744675992797792013-07-06T11:07:33.528-07:002013-07-06T11:07:33.528-07:00When I attended the Middle TN Writing Project in J...When I attended the Middle TN Writing Project in June we had quite a few poets in the group. Though it's not typically something I would gravitate for in my writing I started writing one but haven't finished and don't know where to go to wrap up an ending.<br /><br />This is a poem aboutmy Yellow Box flip flops which I LIVE in during the summer months.<br /><br />1 Oh flip flops in a yellow box<br />2 How I long to wear you<br />3 I can't wait til our warm summer date<br />4 to slip you on my feet and adore you<br />5 You sparkle and shine<br />6 and make my feet look divine<br />7 My feet feel free<br />8 and my toe hair blows in the breeze<br /><br />I feel like there should be another line after line 6 that kinda ends that sentence. And though I'm trying to be homorous I'm not sure line 8 isn't really just disgusting :) The Campbrarianhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02794410480468145195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-37927027538526820392013-07-06T11:03:49.749-07:002013-07-06T11:03:49.749-07:00Great! Yes, I see. Thank you! I am wordy in everyt...Great! Yes, I see. Thank you! I am wordy in everything I write- something to work on.<br />--JenJen Caldwellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16361632480719305547noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-63869880146342798602013-07-06T10:30:11.650-07:002013-07-06T10:30:11.650-07:00Read the amazon post of Shallow Pond last night an...Read the amazon post of Shallow Pond last night and am waiting for the book to arrive. I love the way you pulled me into wanting to find out more about the novel by posting chapter segments. Often the first chapter is posted, but yours is the first I;ve read that cut scenes up like that and I think it is a great way to sell a novel. Awesome for booktalks and I'll start looking inside the book covers on amazon to see if more authors are doing this.<br /><br />As others have mentioned, I do not know how to change my goodle id so it will have to do. It's the only way I can post comments here.jugroxhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09694829571734177902noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-61179532020219064402013-07-06T09:45:12.887-07:002013-07-06T09:45:12.887-07:00Sorry for burying my own example in Sandra's ...Sorry for burying my own example in Sandra's thread, <br /><br />Thanks for your help, Alissa and Gae. I'm going to try to continue in Third-Present (although I am finding it difficult and awkward). We'll see how it goes. I'll also take your advice on the past perfect issue. When I read it, that seems to be the most natural sounding.David Chttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02081393630227379499noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-9761175702887414972013-07-06T07:48:35.543-07:002013-07-06T07:48:35.543-07:00Alissa - I like the character you've created. ...Alissa - I like the character you've created. Your passage made me wonder why involvement in WWI versus the other ones. What makes that one the one to grab? I also loved how Ryan get's his comment thrown right back at him. I wish I was that quick when I was in school, which is another cool thing that I could instantly connect your story with my own experiences (and jerk boys) in school. :)<br /><br />Below is my excerpt from what I'm working on. It is continuing from my post earlier in the week on Kate's page about the garden thing. You can read the whole thing on my blog, but I'm feeling pretty good that I finally thought of a name for my main character! Any feedback would be great. Thanks!<br /><br />I wake up panicked. That dream I've had it before. Me sitting in the tree, watching Mrs. Bishop being prepared to be hanged for the crime of witchcraft. I hate that dream. Willing my heart rate to slow down, I crawl out of bed and make my way to the shower. Crap, I'm gonna be late if I don't get moving.<br /><br />Mrs. Bishop's class is always interesting. I've never really liked history before but this year I think it's going to be different. She seems to make it come alive.<br /><br />"The past is much different than you might think. It's about people and what they felt was real at the time," says Mrs. Bishop.<br /><br />I never thought of it that way.<br /><br />"Isn't it just about people who are dead and didn't know anything?" someone shouts from the back of the room.<br /><br />"Ha! You may think that at first, at least that's how the textbooks seem to present it, isn't it? But history, our history, is built on real people, who felt real things. Passion, desire, fear, love, anger. All of these things are part of society. It's our job to look back and piece together what they may have gone through and felt, in order to truly understand why things happened the way that they did."<br /><br />Mrs. Bishop is building up her momentum. The excitement in her looks like it's going to explode. My other teacher's should take notes, this lady is different. She really seems to get into what she wants to teach.<br /><br />"Okay, so this year we are going to be learning a lot about not just historical events, but the people themselves and how their lives led to the major events within them. So, since it's the fall and Halloween will be coming up in another month, we are going to study one of the most controversial time periods in American History, the Salem Witch Trials."<br /><br />"The what? I've never even heard of those." That same idiot from the back needs to get a clue. We learned that back in 8th grade.<br /><br />"You've been taught that the trials happened, but you never had to really dig into why they happened. That's going to be your job for the next month. In October you will have to make a presentation about what you learned about the people who lived through it all."<br /><br />Groans throughout the room. I hate presentations. Super embarrassing. My stomach is already getting knotted up.<br /><br />"Oh come on. Give it a chance. We will be learning the history behind it all here in class, you just need to do some research on the people that it happened to. Maybe you will even find something that surprises you."<br /><br />Mrs. Bishop starts assigning all of us the people we are going to be researching. <br /><br />"Temperance, you have Bridget Bishop. I think you will find some interesting things about her, she was one of the first women to be executed." Gee thanks Mrs. Bishop. The dread starts building up. Here we go.Reneehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13417703891824241126noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-71284824759079365442013-07-06T07:27:09.873-07:002013-07-06T07:27:09.873-07:00Thanks Gae! That is helpful!Thanks Gae! That is helpful!live laugh love to learnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01715019047818282703noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-23189165535491329732013-07-06T06:59:19.846-07:002013-07-06T06:59:19.846-07:00Okay, think Alissa and I have gotten to everyone w...Okay, think Alissa and I have gotten to everyone who has posted so far. PLEASE flag us down if we have missed you! Great stuff here. Hooray! Keep going!gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-45992817495895454392013-07-06T06:58:10.298-07:002013-07-06T06:58:10.298-07:00Jen, I love this entry and all the unique egg busi...Jen, I love this entry and all the unique egg business going on and think it does work to introduce the characters and their personalities to different degrees. I really love how you've gone about it. <br /><br />I am a bit confused by the "the girl" or "she's" and who they relate to at times, and wonder if you could clarify those without being too clunky?<br /><br />This excerpt is also a perfect candidate (I think) for a superspeed flash edit so indulge me below, as I think it would sparkle and shine that much more if you just pulled out some unneeded word or extra business or stage direction (reminder about the "began doing something" choice vs. the "did something" choice, and whether the latter feels more active and engaging. Also, here a perfect example because I think in one spot (the second) the began is needed for a reason vs. the first spot, not. Read to see what I mean. But of course it's just for illustration purposes. In any event, LOVE it, know it is probably still on the rougher side, and it's already grand. Keep going!<br /><br />“Whoa! Watch out!” a young blond girl called out as they entered the kitchen through the swinging doors. “There’s an egg on the floor!”<br /><br />Jackson stopped mid-step and looked down. There was, in fact, a dropped egg on the floor, brown shell still floating on the spilled white.<br /><br />“What? Jillie! I thought you cleaned that up! Parker! You were supposed to clean that up!” A tall, slender girl with brown hair and brown eyes stood up and turned around from a large industrial oven, her face flushed from the heat. She noticed Jackson with Maya. “Oh. Hi.”<br /><br />“Hi. I’m with Maya,” Jackson offered, pointing towards Maya, who had stooped to take a picture of the broken egg on the tile.<br /><br />“Okay,” the girl said. “Jillie, the egg. Now.” The blond girl rolled her eyes and mock stomped over to a roll of paper towels. She unrolled them until she had a huge wad of towels in her arms. “Jillie! Not so many! Geez!” and the girl began rolling the now-crumpled towels back onto the roll.<br /><br />“Picky picky,” she said cheerfully. “Hi Maya! Hi Person with Maya!” She walked back to the spill and waited to the side while Maya clicked a few more pictures.<br /><br />Jackson watched as the older girl now rolled her eyes. “Very artsy, Maya,” she said without any enthusiasm, as Jillie inched her green converse sneaker closer to the egg. There were ornate scribbles and pen doodles on her shoe.<br /><br />“There. Stop,” Maya said and resumed clicking. Jillie’s foot hovered over the egg yolk and Maya practically lay on the floor to capture the shot level with her foot. <br /><br />Egg’s-eye view? Jackson wondered. Maya suddenly seemed so uninhibited and comfortable despite her initial cautious entry.<br /><br />Anyway, great stuff, keep going!gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-15180801997798631032013-07-06T06:53:35.643-07:002013-07-06T06:53:35.643-07:00Thank you both! I feel better knowing I have somet...Thank you both! I feel better knowing I have something that I can feel where it's going. When I get farther on this, I have a couple of students who will read this and make some decision about the SJR reference. I'm setting it when I was a teenager (early 90's) so it makes sense. I know some of them would look her up just to see what those glasses actually looked like. Others would just skip over it without any care one way or another. It'll get road-tested - one of the perks of being a teacher. :) CBethMhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10872740375003052841noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-42474649149825718202013-07-06T06:38:25.657-07:002013-07-06T06:38:25.657-07:00As always, love, love, love. And, yes, Jen's w...As always, love, love, love. And, yes, Jen's writing is always a lot of fun! I think she's cornering the niche on adorable, sweet, authentic girly fun. ;) <br /><br />As for the Pinterest thing... always grappling with this stuff. When you write contemporary fiction, it feels odd to leave things like facebook and pinterest out -- but then again, you saw what happened with My Space, right? No answers, just food for thought, and a reminder that while it's worth thinking about, not worth struggling over too much yet. An editor will help you make those decisions down the road! (if, if, if! *crosses everything*)gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-6724320411262904182013-07-06T06:36:03.958-07:002013-07-06T06:36:03.958-07:00I love this character! She's so authentically ...I love this character! She's so authentically 80s teen "ugly duckling" girl. I can relate. Please keep going...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-82018172521633163922013-07-06T06:28:12.547-07:002013-07-06T06:28:12.547-07:00First of all, Miss Cindy: YAY!!!! Finally, here yo...First of all, Miss Cindy: YAY!!!! Finally, here you are! ;) And with great stuff. I can feel the energy, the taking-off, coming right through the piece, like it and you have a LOT to say. Keep going!<br /><br />I had the same thought as Alissa on the Sally Jessy thing and wondered if you might find a more recent reference ... on the teenage thing, while I totally see what she is saying, because in this instance your protag is referring to what movies (a third party source) is telling her about those "teenage years" it works for me here. Didn't have an issue with it. Either way: Onward!gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.com