tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post6137707129687156501..comments2024-03-25T11:29:49.222-07:00Comments on That Wee Bit Heap: Friday Feedback with Selene Castrovilla: Emotions in Motiongae polisnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comBlogger79125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-87198506597414424212016-07-30T14:32:03.918-07:002016-07-30T14:32:03.918-07:00Thank you both. I was able to include a little mor...Thank you both. I was able to include a little more emotion in the scene and then add a scene the next day where she completely breaks down. I almost cried during and after writing it, because I have felt that emotion before in my own life. But, it is scary to let that out and relive it. Thank you for the continuous encouragement. I have truly loved this experience. <br />Thank you Gae and Selene!!Jennifer D.https://wordpress.com/jendruffel.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-26526925758455995702016-07-29T21:44:38.841-07:002016-07-29T21:44:38.841-07:00I struggle with using too many words. Believe it o...I struggle with using too many words. Believe it or not I had deleted many of the original words that poured out when I first wrote it. I love the comments and edits. Less is more.Show, don't tell. I'll keep working on it with pleasure!Pattinoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-73408769081113042102016-07-29T20:41:09.241-07:002016-07-29T20:41:09.241-07:00You got it, friend:
Playing quickly with a flash ...You got it, friend:<br /><br />Playing quickly with a flash edit mostly to show you where you can get rid of repetition and “hear” ing… but I’m a bit confused as to where she is. Is she inside the tavern and the floor is cement? I love the description of the “Light from the windows illuminates the wet cement” but where/how is she seeing it? The first read I thought she was outside because of it, but now I think she’s inside. And if she’s inside and hears the voices/people leave in the opening part of the scene, then where are the voices filtering in from in the latter part of the scene. I just need a little clarity on position/logistics (without you getting bogged down in them…). Easy to say vs. do. I know. But you can! :D <br /><br />The darkness envelops me as I wait [for him?]. Men and women exit, smoke, chatter, and the clinking of bottles following them. Light from the windows illuminates the wet cement. Loud laughter echoes from behind. The tavern is now empty.<br /><br />I stand still, arms folded, looking down. Sniffling.<br /><br />But no one notices me.<br /><br />I make myself invisible.<br /><br />Bottles roll on the floor. The scritch of stiff bristles sweep against the floor. I still don’t move.<br /><br />[this para needs clarification… I don’t get the logistics of where she is and where they are and Selene is right about taking out the shadows so the beautiful description using shadows below stands powerful on its own]: After a few minutes, voice filter in from inside and shadows on the floor. Slowly the shadows of a few men get shorter and shorter until they disappear and I see three men standing in the doorway.<br /><br />“Where’d you park, Arch?” one man says.<br /><br />“Out back in the alley.”<br /><br />“Well, we’re out this way. We’ll see ya tomorrow night?” <br /><br />“You got it.” Daddy says.<br /><br />They walk the opposite direction as Daddy remains in the doorway, a shadow with light dancing around him. He shifts his hat on his head and walks into the drizzle of rain.<br /><br />Sniff.<br />Sniff.<br />I start to cry.<br /><br />“Hello?” Dad’s voice, that word, bounces off the buildings.<br /><br />I look up and see him standing in the door to the tavern.<br /><br />“Daddy?” I whisper through tears.<br /><br />“Daughter?”<br />gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-32929852652665823242016-07-29T20:27:25.369-07:002016-07-29T20:27:25.369-07:00I always read your SSFE. Thanks Gae and Selene!!!I always read your SSFE. Thanks Gae and Selene!!!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12212377970908021907noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-74955614093280500332016-07-29T20:13:56.450-07:002016-07-29T20:13:56.450-07:00Hey, Jen,
Agree with all the love Selene has for ...Hey, Jen,<br /><br />Agree with all the love Selene has for this piece and also agree that if you pull back with some of the repetition it will read more organically and authentically… and that may solve your bigger question. Going to do a superspeed flash edit since I’m in that mode… let’s see if it helps the scene feel like it’s only offering essentials (if that makes sense…?) <br /><br />What had just happened? What was going on? Was it her? Had they found Lola’s body? Were they allowed to do that- just put it on TV for everyone to see? Before the family had been notified? <br /><br />My mouth went dry and cottony and I had trouble swallowing. My pool cue clattered to the floor and I wheeled toward the door. Lola. I stumbled forward, pushing past people, but my legs gave out and I had to crouch down, holding onto a chair leg. <br /><br />“Somebody get her a paper bag!”<br /><br />“Does she need help?”<br /><br />“What the hell’s going on?”<br /><br />Then Ru was at my side, steadying my shoulders though I tried to fight him off so I could breathe again. I felt like a horse tied in a burning stable. So many people. So much light and noise. Let me go.<br /><br />“Grace Ann, look at me. Look in my eyes. Breathe with me.” <br /><br />If I died now, Ru would be the last thing I’d see. Part of me wanted to die because there wasn’t a single good reason for Lola’s picture to be on the news. But my body didn’t want me to die, and when a phantom hand appeared shoving a crumpled bag toward my face, I took it and began to breathe. My vision cleared and my breaths slowed. <br />gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-28316772792141861722016-07-29T20:01:47.060-07:002016-07-29T20:01:47.060-07:00Okay, Jen,
Two things: I love your piece just as ...Okay, Jen,<br /><br />Two things: I love your piece just as it is AND Selene gives you amazing advice. I guess it depends ultimately what you want from the scene. If you want it to be less pithy and superficial (but still excellent) and more intense, Selene gives you wonderful places to push emotion... which was what we are working on today. :D <br /><br />Hope it inspires you to keep going!gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-14373438412982608342016-07-29T19:54:47.697-07:002016-07-29T19:54:47.697-07:00Andrew, as I wrote with John's piece above, Se...Andrew, as I wrote with John's piece above, Selene loves the same lines and moments I love, and pushes you and asks questions right where I would. Great stuff. Keep going. gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-56428881347446413952016-07-29T19:52:15.426-07:002016-07-29T19:52:15.426-07:00John,
I love this little section and Selene give...John, <br /><br />I love this little section and Selene gives exactly the advice i would give and loves the moments I absolutely love. I could do a super speed flash edit if you want me to -- ask -- never sure who comes back to read them! ;) Keep going. Lovely. gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-4685412781436107442016-07-29T19:42:35.356-07:002016-07-29T19:42:35.356-07:00Rachel, just echoing what Selene has said... a ver...Rachel, just echoing what Selene has said... a very nice scene. The pain and inability to communicate between dad and daughter is palpable. So kudos! Makes me completely want to know what is going on. More kudos. :D Another picky little thing... "pulled my eyes away from the table bothers me..." "pull my focus from the table and look at him?" Keep going!gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-34611034085170589062016-07-29T19:36:40.662-07:002016-07-29T19:36:40.662-07:00Susan,
This is a really powerful and important s...Susan, <br /><br />This is a really powerful and important section and, as Selene points out, you do give emotion, even more than you might need making it melodramatic instead of dramatic in a few places, because the words, dialogue and scene are already so strong. Selene gives great examples of ways to tease out the action and come back... I've done simply a super speed flash edit on it leaving your words and order as is, but pulling back where the dialogue has done so much of the work and speaks for itself... see what you think. Take all advice and sit on it while you write forward! Keep going. I can feel how important this story is to you and that is saying a LOT. :D <br /><br />Claire stood before me shaking. "He touched me, and I didn't want him to! I was 13! He told me he loved me, that he would never hurt me, but he touched me and I didn't want him to." Her words spilled n torrents, hitting me in waves. "'It's not sex,' he said. 'Relax,' he said. I just lay there and cried. It was awful, Mom! On our dock, late at night. I didn't know what to do." Claire stared at me, pain radiating from accusing eyes.<br /><br />I sat, still, tears welling, as questions ricocheted around my mind. Eventually I could move, wrapping my arms around my legs and hugging them, as if to gather up and hold the shattered pieces of this moment. When was this? Where was I? How could this have happened? Why wasn't I paying closer attention? <br /><br />Claire continued between sobs, her nose red, blotches gathering on her smooth, clear skin. I waited dumbstruck for her to talk. <br /><br />"Finally, he finished and I went home," she said, her voice small and fragile. "I saw you that night. You asked me about being out so late. I said I was fine and you believed me. . ." <br /><br />Her words – that last part – was a slap in the face. Why wouldn't I believe her? She and Tim had been inseparable. He worshipped her and she seemed to worship him back. Why would I think that he could hurt her? Would? I tried, in vain, to muster a response, but I had nothing. <br /><br />How could I have let this happen?<br />gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-30021514705872878982016-07-29T19:22:26.399-07:002016-07-29T19:22:26.399-07:00Patti,
this is just gorgeous, and I love so many...Patti, <br /><br />this is just gorgeous, and I love so many of the highlights Selene picked out. In fact, it is SO beautiful, that I cant resist a superspeed flash edit to pull out unnecessary what I call “stage direction” to let the scene around it shine. For example, when you first see the tiny wrinkled woman you say she doesn’t wait for a response, but it’s also not as if she’s interrupting with words but rather she makes a motion (and I was questioning why she would wait for a response to do that…) Soon after, she pauses, but pauses from what? I wonder if you took out all that “stage direction” the scene would still be clear and more simple and the more poignant evocative stuff would really shine… I’ve done that type of thing – e.g. taking out the passive “was doing something” language vs. the character just doing it (google Spider copulas – I mention them to a camper above too!) and other ticks throughout (like the repetition of the work look/looking). Maybe you’ll want to add some back in… maybe all of it, but just wanted to play with leaving the essential there to see how it reads/felt?<br /><br /> Mom and I had gone out for lunch, and I was checking her back into her place, chatting with the nurses at the desk, when I felt a small tug on my sleeve.<br /><br /> “Do you know what a Himalayan cat looks like?” Tired eyes peered up at me from behind ridiculously dirty glasses. The tiny wrinkled woman before me alternated between stroking imaginary whiskers from the sides of her face and rubbing the top of her forehead while telling me that Himalyans have mostly cream faces with dark points here and here. <br /><br /> Stealing a glance at the floor behind me, she went on to tell me her cat was missing. “He is cocoa and cream colored so I named him Cookies and Cream, but I call him CC for short,” she explained nodding her head up and down. “Have you seen him? He’s about this big.” She looked at me quizzically and motioned with her arms. “I just can’t find him.” <br /><br /> Noticing Mom for the first time, she began the story again, repeating actions along with her vivid descriptions. <br /><br /> “Is it alive?” Mom wanted to know. “A live cat is missing?” <br /><br /> I knew she didn’t like cats and wondered what non-filtered comment might come flying out of her mouth. The tiny crinkled woman nodded sweetly. “He’s alive, and he’s very timid. I call him CC because he looks like cocoa and cream.” <br /><br /> My mother turned and looked on the floor, then back at the woman. “When did you see him last?” <br /><br /> I was fairly impressed with this question as it was a logical thing to ask. The woman, still stroking imaginary whiskers, whispered back, “Not for a very long time.” Turning back to me, she suddenly lit up and asked me if I knew what a Himalayan cat looked like. I looked right into her tired eyes hiding behind the big spots and smudges on her oversized glasses and said, “No, could you please tell me?” I had time, and she had a story. Mom seemed interested as well. <br /><br /> We spent the better part of an hour searching for a cat that wasn’t there. The woman was purposeful as she walked the hallways, glancing to the left and right. She opened drawers of fancy hallway tables and peeked into open doorways calling, “CC…CC,” Mom, who has hated cats since she was a child, a willing partner in the hunt. <br /><br /> When we finally exhausted our search with less than successful results, the women both shrugged, and agreed he wasn’t there. <br /> <br /> “Maybe tomorrow you’ll find him,” Mom assured her new friend. The tiny woman nodded, turned to go to her room and then, very quietly, asked, “Who is it we are trying to find?” <br /><br /> Memory is an unappreciated gift. Dementia is a thief.<br />gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-89920967699302819212016-07-29T19:09:13.673-07:002016-07-29T19:09:13.673-07:00Thank you, Patti! Me too! Thank you, Patti! Me too! Little Terryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13715294251776498308noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-38328373571170613092016-07-29T18:43:05.165-07:002016-07-29T18:43:05.165-07:00Please tell me that Owen gets to keep Pogo??? I...Please tell me that Owen gets to keep Pogo??? I'm rooting for both of them!Patti Ludwignoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-31372059157926462482016-07-29T18:38:03.997-07:002016-07-29T18:38:03.997-07:00Thank you all so much for your helpful feedback. Y...Thank you all so much for your helpful feedback. You've given me so much to work with for this scene, and much of the advice can be applied to the rest of the ms as well. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-40405556120973297522016-07-29T18:13:12.206-07:002016-07-29T18:13:12.206-07:00Thank you so much for reading and taking the time ...Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment. I completely understand what you are saying about the last line. Because I was submitting this as a stand alone piece I thought I might need a summary. When I finally decide how to put all these snippets together I will likely use the line in the introduction or the summary, but will remove it from the piece. I am not really sure where this is going, but my original idea was to capture the story and then relate it to my own life as a sort of guide for my children in case this happens to me. I want to call it, Just in Case, and after writing anecdotes from mom's life, add in my own struggles, experiences and memories. So far the snippets have literally written themselves as I visit, observe and reflect on the significantly insignificant moments of mom's life with dementia. Pattinoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-22900097685720171902016-07-29T17:26:31.925-07:002016-07-29T17:26:31.925-07:00You're welcome, Terry. I see I wrote at least ...You're welcome, Terry. I see I wrote at least one typo: the "last" three paragraphs, not least! Never least ;)<br /><br />I'm rooting for Owen and Pogo!Selene Castrovillahttp://www.selenecastrovilla.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-19111641061313890592016-07-29T17:22:06.746-07:002016-07-29T17:22:06.746-07:00Stefanie, you're not alone. We've all been...Stefanie, you're not alone. We've all been there. It's so tough. Know that you'll get through it! Just go with what you have for now, and then you can always go back again. Be kind to yourself. That's the main thing. <br /><br />I'm pleased to have helped you! (I have never done well with things like checklists, so don't feel bad.) The process is however it works for you.<br /><br />A final suggestion: Re-read a book you love, and dissect it to see exactly what works for you. Study the paragraphs that move you in particular. I did this with The Catcher in the Rye, Bud, Not Buddy, Holes, Walk Two Moons and America. Books are great teachers!<br /><br />If you haven't read Bird by Bird I would recommend it strongly. <br /><br />I love the particles, and think it's great about connecting them to the ending. See: it'll come together. Trust the process. <br /><br />Leap, and the net will appear :)<br /><br />Happy writing, Stefanie!<br /><br /><br /><br />Selene Castrovillahttp://www.selenecastrovilla.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-38558839191619387492016-07-29T17:11:59.428-07:002016-07-29T17:11:59.428-07:00Well, I've finally finished -- for now. I hope...Well, I've finally finished -- for now. I hope you've enjoyed my thoughts as much as I've enjoyed reading your work! Thanks so much for having me, Gae! <br /><br />Have a great weekend - and write on, everyone!Selene Castrovillahttp://www.selenecastrovilla.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-87188695969836969792016-07-29T17:07:58.666-07:002016-07-29T17:07:58.666-07:00Hi Jen,
You're welcome! So glad to help, and ...Hi Jen,<br /><br />You're welcome! So glad to help, and glad you enjoyed my excerpt. It hurts to write that stuff! <br /><br />You ask: How many ways can my MC react to upsetting news?<br /><br />This is a powerful and unsettling question, and hard to answer. Basically, you need to up the ante every time. Or, if you've reached your ceiling, the description has to somehow strike a different cord. It has to feel different, even if it's really the same.(The Emotion Thesaurus can help! God I wish I made a commission from that book, lol.) Once you finish your manuscript, go back and isolate each reaction - and make sure each one resonates on it's own, in its unique way.<br /><br />That said: This seems pretty unique! Very nice! I totally felt for Grace Ann. <br /><br />Really powerful stuff:<br />"My mouth went dry and cottony and I had trouble swallowing. I couldn’t breathe, and suddenly all the sounds and smells that had disappeared when I first saw the news banner flooded me at once and nearly knocked me over. I let my pool cue clatter to the floor and I wheeled around to find the door. Lola."<br /><br />"Then Ru was at my side, steadying my shoulders while I tried to fight him off so I could breathe again. " Do you mean Ru is trying to make her breathe again?<br /><br />Awesome:<br />"I felt like a horse tied in a burning stable. So many people. So much light and noise. Let me go."<br /><br />“What the hell’s going on?” Very picky -but she thinks "What was going on" earlier. I try to vary these kinds of thing.<br /><br />"Is that what just happened?" Similarly, you have her ask this twice in the beginning.<br /><br />I absolutely do buy the series of questions barging through her head prior to the sensory details. Totally works for me.<br /><br />I really feel her pain. Wonderful.<br /><br />I like the end paragraph, too - but I do think you could break up the sentences and make it more staccato.<br /><br />"I crouched [where I was] there, on the sticky floor." Is this the last line of the scene? I think a little more closure is needed. Even if she just closes her eyes. <br /><br />Another picky thing: You used crouch twice. <br /><br />Of course, I am hooked! What a compelling story! And really, it doesn't look good for Lola. Alas.<br /><br />Very nice, Jen. It has that Gone Girl suspense feel. A winner!<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Selene Castrovillahttp://www.selenecastrovilla.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-3012219246717081932016-07-29T16:41:16.833-07:002016-07-29T16:41:16.833-07:00Hi Jennifer,
You’re welcome, and thanks! Of cours...Hi Jennifer,<br /><br />You’re welcome, and thanks! Of course I’m happy you want to read my books ;) <br /><br />I know what you mean. I remember reading books and being stunned by the power they wielded, and thinking: How can I ever do this? How could I ever even remember to consider all these elements, let alone put them together? <br /><br />And then, slowly, I did.<br /><br />Do you know the joke: <br /><br />How do I get to Carnegie Hall?<br /><br />Practice, practice.<br /><br />You’ll get there, Jennifer!<br /><br />About your piece (and I remember commenting on this one last week, too):<br /><br />I like Liz, and I like her dialogue. But I do feel like she’s not really kidding about the zombie thing - and I’d like her describe more about what’s going on inside as she enters the doctor’s office. You do, at the end, describe a bit of what it’s like — but it feels superficial. I mean, I like what you have. But I would like to dig deeper - at what it feels like to have something wrong with her that she can’t control (do they know what it is?) I believe the emotions you’ve shown, but I want more — all the way through. <br /><br />I’d like to see the nurse through Liz’s eyes. What does she look like? <br /><br />Her mom has no role at all, other than to follow like a baby duck. (That is a great description.)<br /><br />I love the zombie stuff, but maybe wait a beat before the wanting to eat people line? Like, the nurse can look agast, and Liz can think, What a wuss. And then add the disclaimer line. <br /><br />But I am confused. It’s a new doctor, but she knows this nurse? Same office? Play on that - show us what Liz things of this nurse, and the whole office. <br /><br />Basically, we don’t want Liz to be in a generic doctor’s office scene. What about this office is different? Striking - at least, to Liz. If she really has been there more than once, play up on that, Maybe she fashioned the skeleton to give the finger last time, and no one’c changed it back. (Or whatever the MG equivalent would be, lol.) Maybe she notices something in the exact spot it was last time. Maybe there’s a urine sample sitting there, and she’s like, Gross! Or, she wants to tamper with it. Use any environment as an opportunity to reveal something about your character, through the way they relate with it. (If you read my book Melt, see how I do this with Dunkin’ Donuts.) <br /><br />Pet peeve: “responds.” Instead of the nurse simply “responding,” show her reaction to the comment through her response - IE: Is she monotone, is there a hint of sarcasm in her voice? Does she smile when she says it? <br /><br />Maybe Liz can have an interaction with her mom as they wait? Maybe she can say that Dr.Pillman line to her mom, and the mom can respond? (Showing what she’s like.) <br /><br />Maybe Liz can snap at her mom: “I just want my life back! I want volleyball, my friends. I want to be bored in middle school like everyone else!” <br /><br />And the mom can either be supportive, bland, or maybe she can snap at Liz: “You think I want this?” etc.<br /><br />And the doctor can walk in on this!<br /><br />You see how much tension we can have sitting in a doctor’s office?<br /><br />I hope you understand that I like your character -- I'm just looking to push her far enough (as I think you're eager to do.) I do want to know what happens next!<br /><br />You go, Jennifer!Selene Castrovillahttp://www.selenecastrovilla.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-67777638016865281272016-07-29T16:03:28.445-07:002016-07-29T16:03:28.445-07:00Thank you so much! I'm so grateful for your ti...Thank you so much! I'm so grateful for your time, expertise and edits. (Your’s and Gae’s) I finished my first draft this summer, and I found the joy in drafting a story, but revision has left me flat and confused, even though I know it’s the most important part. I just didn’t know how to do it. <br /><br />Every week I've learned a little bit more about revision. From Ammi-Joan Paquette, I learned about using a revision checklist, which I thought would work for me, but it seemed I didn't know what to put on it. <br /><br />Now, with the examples from you and Gae, I can see what I need to do. My list contains six concrete actions to check for. I know there is more to do, but it's a start. I even know how to connect the particles aspect to the ending, which needs deepening. <br /><br />For the first time, I'm excited to revise.<br /><br />I'm also in awe of the generosity of the Teacher’s Write hosts and guest authors. We are so lucky to have access to this outstanding resource. <br /><br />Thank you, <br /><br />StefanieAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12910188019190187914noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-49829160848282230332016-07-29T15:54:21.920-07:002016-07-29T15:54:21.920-07:00Hi Andrew!
Well, thank you :) I'm so glad you...Hi Andrew!<br /><br />Well, thank you :) I'm so glad you connected with my post, and my excerpt. Yes, I think sixth graders will definitely resonate with examples. Might I be so bold as to recommend my book By the Sword, the true story of a soldier's experiences at the Battle of Long Island? Yes, I might ;) I do a lot of elementary school visits, and use this book to demonstrate character emotions, and how they affect everything.<br /><br />About your piece:<br /><br />I was struck by Sammy right away:<br />"They should still be at the restaurant, but you can never be too careful."<br /><br />That really got me thinking. Not only wondering who "they" are, but why Sammy had to be careful - and I was sad for him, that he had to be vigilant. <br /><br />I like that he has to look behind him all the time -- why can't they see him with the backpack? Again, I feel so bad for him - he should just be enjoying his life!<br /><br />I would like to feel the weight of the backpack. And why does he need all those books? Just in case? <br /><br />Love the deodorant line -- and the explanation. Love the lacrosse arm pads reference! Perfect!<br /><br />Why can't he see Mrs. Dean? I guess she's explained elsewhere.<br /><br />Instead of saying the library is quiet, describe the stillness? <br /><br />I love the whole "spicy" fiction thing: that it's called that, that he worries they're looking for cookbooks and are mistakenly there, that his mom might read those books - and his reaction to that. Well done, and just like a kid might spiral!<br /><br />I would like to hear what the librarian's voice sounds like. And why is Sammy freaked out that it's not Ms. Crandall. Is he just the nervous type? <br /><br />I'm intrigued by the last line - and it makes me sad, too. That he feels he has to explain that he does indeed belong there. <br /><br />I get the feeling that this kid feels like he doesn't fit in. Really, I'm worried about him - it's like a subtle nag at the pit of my stomach. I kind of want to mother him. <br /><br />The only thing I would suggest is more sensory detail. When I write a scene I make a list of all the possible sensory details that could be in that setting, and I draw from that. For example, the feeling of his feet in this bike pedals, the squeak of the librarian's chair. <br /><br />Nice job - I'm invested in Sammy! I want to know more about him, for sure.Selene Castrovillahttp://www.selenecastrovilla.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-36462035353692507732016-07-29T15:20:45.468-07:002016-07-29T15:20:45.468-07:00Hi, John. You've done a lovely, evocative job ...Hi, John. You've done a lovely, evocative job here. Really touching, hitting all the right spots. Just the right amount of ingredients.<br /><br />I love: <br />"I hear bottles rolling around on the floor and the sound of stiff bristles sweeping the floor. I still don’t move." But I am wondering at this point, where is she? If hidden, she wouldn't see anything - would she? And yet, in the beginning, she's enveloped in darkness.<br /><br />I love: "He’s a shadow with light dancing around him." However, you use shadows earlier, so maybe you want to get rid of them, so this isn't diminished.<br /> <br />I love:<br />"Sniff.<br />Sniff.<br />Then, I start to cry."<br /><br />I love, "That word bounces off the buildings." It can mean so much, open to reader interpretation. <br /><br />I love the simplicity of this whole thing, including the dialogue. <br /><br />I don't quite understand where she is, that no one notices her. If she's hiding, she would have to do more than just open her eyes - she'd have to step out from somewhere.<br /><br />Be careful with the doorway image - you use it a lot. <br /><br />"I hear loud laughter echo from behind." Try to avoid "I hear." Instead: "Loud laughter echoes from behind."<br /><br />I'm really taken with the simple evocativeness of this. I feel like it's a scene from a movie - almost like the dad's a gangster (I don't know why, but something about his environment feels illicit.) You could milk the tension, but I don't think you should mess with it. I really love it the way it is. And I certainly want to know more.<br />Selene Castrovillahttp://www.selenecastrovilla.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-11790154282072783352016-07-29T15:18:55.352-07:002016-07-29T15:18:55.352-07:00Thank you so much. Appreciate your comments and di...Thank you so much. Appreciate your comments and direction. Martha Willeynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-79358824872774892952016-07-29T15:02:54.965-07:002016-07-29T15:02:54.965-07:00Oh, Rachel. This tugs at my heart. The dad that wa...Oh, Rachel. This tugs at my heart. The dad that wants to be there for his kid but can't even take care of himself. I love that he loves her, and really wants to be there for her. I love your description of him - so perfect! <br /><br />To get picky, I think you could lose the eggs line - or mention them earlier, like he tried to make them but they got burned. (He could be sheepish.) <br /><br />Another little pick: How is the waffle pathetic? Shriveled? <br /><br />"Why is he looking at me like that?" I like this, but we don't really know what he's looking at her like.<br /><br />I love that she tastes blood - but it's confusing that she bites her cheek after. Or did she bit her cheek and not know it? Or maybe this is a self-hurting thing? Not sure. <br /><br />But overall this works so well - a double tragedy: that these two people are right there, unable to communicate, unable to take care of themselves or each other.<br /><br />Actually reminds me in tone of my novel Saved by the Music. God, you guys are all striking my chords today - making me relive my pain ;)<br /><br />Very nice - I'm totally drawn it, and worried for them both.Selene Castrovillahttp://www.selenecastrovilla.comnoreply@blogger.com