tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post237419727871639779..comments2024-03-25T11:29:49.222-07:00Comments on That Wee Bit Heap: Friday Feedback: First Lines with Nora Raleigh Baskingae polisnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comBlogger170125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-20623255034386153352018-06-25T09:06:02.802-07:002018-06-25T09:06:02.802-07:00Nora, YOU ARE MY BEST FRIENDNora, YOU ARE MY BEST FRIENDAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-89347254760418753702016-07-09T13:30:21.222-07:002016-07-09T13:30:21.222-07:00wow..Rachel- Gae did amazing job. She's so rig...wow..Rachel- Gae did amazing job. She's so right about passive vs active language. I was trying to figure out how to suggest things..but I think showing is better than telling because her revision showed me so much. I couldn't add any more , other than..I totally identify with the scene. As a kid and an adult..but it is from the POV of the teenager and that is working so well. You clearly write from an open honest place...don't stop. Keep writing. Nora Raleigh B.https://www.blogger.com/profile/01745202027501009062noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-43834755383015089532016-07-09T13:25:22.814-07:002016-07-09T13:25:22.814-07:00Morgan- I will just add a tiny bit more to what Ga...Morgan- I will just add a tiny bit more to what Gae said (which I agree with totally) ..how does she know this is her brother's action? And if "the man" she sees giving her the finger is her brother..then she would identify him that way from the start. If it's something else that alerts her, let us know. Super crazy story..love it. At first, of course I thought it was a car accident. So I am to understand she knows it's not, right from the start, which explains why she undoes her seat belt (which at first upset me so much) . With your last line you give us her internal thought..so I would suggest weaving that in all along or doing without it at the end (and letting us find out what's going on later) because just adding it to the end of the scene feels like a manipulation..a gimmick to surprise us. You could pick either way...and still have an amazing opening scene. I mean,..how could it NOT be!!! ? Nora Raleigh B.https://www.blogger.com/profile/01745202027501009062noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-4851811585190520792016-07-09T13:11:07.793-07:002016-07-09T13:11:07.793-07:00Wow! I like the action, I like the short and pithy...Wow! I like the action, I like the short and pithy vocabulary. I like the minecraft and going to the library. I think this is a strong start. I teach MS ... with a LOT of ELLs so I know there is a huge need for books with interesting/current topics and easier reading levels. Bravo for writing transitional. I'd love to see the next bit. Linda Mitchellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00833034575304594924noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-77580205567273975692016-07-09T13:04:26.782-07:002016-07-09T13:04:26.782-07:00Love the absurdity of the "not taking chances...Love the absurdity of the "not taking chances" and "old can can skirt". That just made me laugh. But then, the next sentence takes a serious turn. I'm guessing the word "though" is actually thought? What a perfect point to begin a story....the gap between childhood and adult. I have a "wonder" for you. I wonder if this character might use grown-up instead of "grown adult"? And, I would love to see you use the word "Awkward" as a stand alone sentence as tweens/teens say it. What do you think?Linda Mitchellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00833034575304594924noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-15352800614846101012016-07-09T12:58:22.701-07:002016-07-09T12:58:22.701-07:00Diane,
Wow. This is some intense, tightly packed ...Diane,<br /><br />Wow. This is some intense, tightly packed description here.<br />What works is the feeling of something moving underneath clothing of being sneaky and searching out what's hidden. As soon as I got to "cocaine screams" my entire mind set this in some sort of crack-house environment. <br /><br />We are listening to a narrator who knows this character intimately the inside of her clothes and the intensity of the chaos....and the line that grabs me is "She is reared by a family of shouldn't bes". Might change the "is" to "was" to keep it consistent.....but MORE important there is a juxtaposition to focus in on. I'd like to more about this character. Keep going.Linda Mitchellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00833034575304594924noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-34943861570559865892016-07-09T11:35:36.167-07:002016-07-09T11:35:36.167-07:00I love it and want to know what comes next!!I love it and want to know what comes next!!@KincerLisahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02074899790743892647noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-50659234731883894942016-07-09T09:05:12.859-07:002016-07-09T09:05:12.859-07:00Diana- I am just getting to your submission now. A...Diana- I am just getting to your submission now. And so glad you posted. Now, I could be missing something and maybe it is revealed later on..But you've done something here that I think it very important to talk about when writing for children ( I hope other comes back and read through)<br />Your writing is beautiful. no doubt. Narrowing our vision, and bringing us into Carrie's anxiety with this raw, uncomfortable picking of her skin is lovely and powerful. But the line "snow had a value on the playground like gold or diamonds." ..has the POV of an adult. It is the perspective of a wise narrator looking back. Not the immediacy of a child's voice. Now, there is nothing wrong with this at all. It a kind of voice used in fairy tales for instance..and early fiction for children (think A Tree Grows in Brooklyn) ..AND please, since I don't know where you are going with this..it's very hard to comment. But I thought it might be important to point out. Let me know what you think..what kind of narrator and tone you are wanting to convey. <br />You do have a lovely lovely writing style..I just want to make sure you are intending this quality. Nora Raleigh B.https://www.blogger.com/profile/01745202027501009062noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-4181515027800309762016-07-09T07:50:58.521-07:002016-07-09T07:50:58.521-07:00Oh, Nora, Thank you! I woke up to your response an...Oh, Nora, Thank you! I woke up to your response and it is the best start to my writing day in forever. <br /><br />Gae read a large chunk of my full a while back, so she knows Owen and his arthropod obsession. I doubt he influenced her choice of poem- but Owen definitely has transformed my response to spiders in particular. (I leave the little house spiders alone and consider them my minions. The big ones I take outside, terrified that they'll do something I don't expect. And I saw two wolf spiders last week in Maine, carrying their babies on their backs, which is a full out Omen, since it plays into the start of my ms.)<br /><br />My book is actually about dogs, not arthropods. But I had to research the heck out of arthropods to feel legit in giving Owen his passion for them. <br /><br />There is no big Terry. I'm little Terry because socially I'm like Piglet, small and often terrified. Physically, I am a line out of a Hank Williams tune, "now my gal's short and stubby..." <br /><br />I'll PM you on fb with my full name if you want to use my name with the quote, which you have my full permission to do. <br /><br />And again, THANK YOU. Little Terryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13715294251776498308noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-6533207463791401462016-07-09T07:16:26.638-07:002016-07-09T07:16:26.638-07:00Diane-
Thanks for sharing your first lines. I real...Diane-<br />Thanks for sharing your first lines. I really want to keep reading. I love the word choices especially "ravaging and reckoning". I also love the last line: "She is lost somewhere..." I want to know if anyone is looking for her. <br />---<br />Here are my first lines: <br /><br />The fireworks are exploding all around me. My family looks forward to the Fourth of July fireworks each year. I'm watching but it doesn't feel right. My heart is heavy. I am trying to process all that had occurred the last year. <br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00253268676005082010noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-55144978874706259752016-07-09T06:50:56.808-07:002016-07-09T06:50:56.808-07:00Thank you both for your feedback. I don't kno...Thank you both for your feedback. I don't know if you are checking back in with this thread, but thank you! I had to shake my head and laugh at the feedback about rushing...I am totally rushing, and if I thought I could hide it I was sorely mistaken. I am rushing because I have a baby who could wake at any moment, because I know my weak area is revision and I want to get to an ending so I can practice, because I am trying to submit (and collect rejections) as much as possible this year and I don't feel like I have done enough yet. So basically, in my writing life I have an awesome sense of urgency that is getting the better of me, and it is showing up in my writing. A lesson that goes beyond these few paragraphs I shared. Thank you!Emily Phttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17287357781543544536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-10434749011403656012016-07-09T06:33:49.312-07:002016-07-09T06:33:49.312-07:00Hah, except we don't necessarily disagree... w...Hah, except we don't necessarily disagree... we may need more information. Because I agree with your "voice" comments on paragraph 2 IF in fact this narrator is still a kid. I read it as a distant remembering where she is thinking of this awful day from a more safe distance... if that is NOT the case, then the voice/language would, yes, reasonably get adjusted. Either way, all good food for thought and is stirring up an idea for a bonus Friday Feedback post that I think I will sneak in late July... :D gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-46469158975706646522016-07-09T06:28:28.250-07:002016-07-09T06:28:28.250-07:00Hanging around sort of... but already need to star...Hanging around sort of... but already need to start getting ready for next Friday, so... gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-79460430978185975592016-07-09T06:10:42.255-07:002016-07-09T06:10:42.255-07:00Thank you, thank you for coming back so late/so ea...Thank you, thank you for coming back so late/so early to respond! You are so generous with your time! You've given me good, hard things to think about- both you and Gae. Way to disagree! :)<br />I do not have personal experience with this, thank goodness, and my heart bleeds to hear that you can relate so personally. I know that as I write, I can get stuck in the mood of my MC and it can be difficult to resurface sometimes.<br /><br />I'm struggling with my beginning. It is written like a preface because the story isn't about Lola going missing, but about Grace-Ann in the aftermath. So my first chapter, currently, is looking back TELLING what happened with a lot of indirect blame and anger towards others because she can't truly face that it could be her fault. The second para. today gets into that a touch, but the voice does change. <br />Thanks again for your insight. No need to respond again (if you even look back!).<br /><br />(I finally figured out how to change my name to read "Jen"! I don't have to be Ms. Caldwell with my peers anymore!)Jen Caldwellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16361632480719305547noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-84907481459241673352016-07-09T05:22:47.306-07:002016-07-09T05:22:47.306-07:00"I managed to score a copy of "Nine, Ten..."I managed to score a copy of "Nine, Ten" the day it came out and I'm creeping quietly into its pages, full of fear and grief. My son, at 12, with no baggage, read it on the way to Maine last week and we were able to talk about some of our memories of 9/11 with him. " This means so much to me..it is exactly what I hoped for. Conversations that might otherwise be too hard to have..may I use this quote..(I don't have to use your name if you don't want me to) now..to your work. . <br /><br />wow..did you see Gae's post this morning about Spiders??? is this a coincidence, Gae? or did you read this first. <br /><br />Now, I wish I could see a little more,Terry..(since not seeing enough has already thrown me off in a couple of selections) but for a first line..well, wow. This is a great one. Again..WORD choice. Slipped instead of walked is genius. And see how much we know from these few sentences. Owen usually follows rules..It has to be an emergency for him to break one. (so we get insight into his character right away)..<br />We know this is from Owen's POV, close third person narrator and when we learn the emergency is to save a spider (and I love the BAT symbol mention) then we care deeply for this very sensitive boy. Are you going to see a Spider boy? The tone (although I can't tell exactly yet) is light, but sensitive. The age is young. You've established so much already. You've intrigued young readers (with the bathroom, right away) and engaged sensitive kids (readers!) with his concern for an otherwise hated creature. Personally I apologize (out loud) every time I kill a spider. But after reading the poem Gae posted..I might have to carry them outside. Wonderfull start Terry..(is there a big Terry?)Nora Raleigh B.https://www.blogger.com/profile/01745202027501009062noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-19083633518037122312016-07-09T04:44:27.898-07:002016-07-09T04:44:27.898-07:00Except, I'm right. :)Except, I'm right. :)Nora Raleigh B.https://www.blogger.com/profile/01745202027501009062noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-30466872832666189242016-07-09T04:44:04.529-07:002016-07-09T04:44:04.529-07:00Also Jen (mrs.Caldwell) I would take out the first...Also Jen (mrs.Caldwell) I would take out the first "Lola..Lowwwllla" you don't need it. <br />When I close my eyes I still hear their shouts. Some voices are deep, others high, and all are loud.<br />Or maybe <br />When I close my eyes I still hear them shouting her name. Some voices are deep, others high, and all are loud.<br /><br />I see Gae and I disagree with some points. interesting..very interesting..which means, you HAVE to listen only to yourselfNora Raleigh B.https://www.blogger.com/profile/01745202027501009062noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-82559931476602206312016-07-09T04:41:24.738-07:002016-07-09T04:41:24.738-07:00Jen (Ms. Caldwell- I am stunned by this opening..b...Jen (Ms. Caldwell- I am stunned by this opening..but not turned away, so of coure, that means it's working. (I too wrote a novel about a sister who is -but isn't- responsible for her sister's death (not disappearance) and I based it on my own feelings of guilt for my mother's death (which of course, I really wasn't..but that's what kids do) So this story is close to my heart and it intrigues me. And since it's something I am personally familiar with, I am also a good sniffer-outer for stories like this. And I LIKE yours. It's working. I am trusting the voice and the tone, and the experience. I really really love the first paragraph. What I love is when someone can express an experience about loss or guilt that I hadn't known before..or hadn't thought about. So when you open with the idea of last hearing the sister's name called out desperately instead of her own tiny voice..I am gripped. I mean that. I believe the narrator at that point. The second paragraph, is confusing. So while I am still "gripped" I'm not sure what's going on. It also sounds less like a kid talking. Or even a kid-memory. "most people hugged their children tighter"..that's almost a cliche and I didn't buy that she would notice that. Your first paragraph is so tight. so real. so profound. You've set yourself a high task..to maintain the level of authenticity and depth that you've created in the first paragraph. Are you entering this story from any kind of personal experience. (Not that you have to AT all) but if I knew, I might be able to help you even more. I really love it..and now the sounds and emotion you created it going to stick me all day (gee, thats a lot.. ) :) Nora Raleigh B.https://www.blogger.com/profile/01745202027501009062noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-3159815545538648042016-07-09T02:41:22.400-07:002016-07-09T02:41:22.400-07:00Nora & Gae, thank you so much for such encoura...Nora & Gae, thank you so much for such encouraging feedback. I don't know if you're still hanging around for answers, but just in case...<br /><br />As a teacher of upper elementary aged kiddos who speak other languages at home and/or who have been "identified" as "struggling" readers, I LOVE transitional chapter books in which the characters are at an ambiguous age. Though marketed by the industry for 2nd-grader-ish kids, I have 5th graders who can find success with these books. My students LOVE the Minecraft handbooks, but those don't have a narrative arc. There's really nothing out there that hits this age/reading stamina point that includes Minecraft, so I'm trying my hand at it. (And no, I don't know tons about the game...learning and reading about Minecraft as I write.)<br /><br />For this market, I get about 5000 words. I have a ms that's mostly plotted (with a few holes) that hits about 5200. I'm currently working on adding more personality to the kids. I have four characters and the internal story I'm going for in this ms is Maverick to become more sensitive to others and Sofia (the girl in the bushes) to stand up for herself more. The early drafts focused so much on plot, the kids didn't really come alive. I probably over-drew that for Maverick in this opening. In the very next section, we'll meet Sofia and another girl. Your comments help me know to add more actual reaction for Sofia and maybe tone down Maverick's rudeness, or at least give the reader something to like about him. I'll keep working. <br /><br />Thanks again *repeatedly nods & cheers* for your encouraging words. They are very helpful and give me things to think about as I revise the opening and remaining chapters.<br /><br /> Margarethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16495010255561299390noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-70333820786253537942016-07-08T23:25:19.951-07:002016-07-08T23:25:19.951-07:00This comment has been removed by the author.joysofboys3https://www.blogger.com/profile/03104637888924438724noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-37473812157483251792016-07-08T23:25:14.380-07:002016-07-08T23:25:14.380-07:00This comment has been removed by the author.joysofboys3https://www.blogger.com/profile/03104637888924438724noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-79186530544477866532016-07-08T23:18:03.184-07:002016-07-08T23:18:03.184-07:00I love first lines. I am very judgy about those fi...I love first lines. I am very judgy about those first paragraphs in books I read. My first line began as a poem and is growing into a novel. <br /><br />Worries scurry around inside her clothes,crumpling and wrinkling individual folds ravaging and reckoning all the untolds<br />of a world spun by whining dreams<br />cranked constantly by the evening cacophony.of whispers, coughs and cocaine screams. She is reared by a family of the “shouldn’t bes”<br />and neighbors, the “never dos”<br />all the hypocrisies of heroin speech<br />so much of a child to lose.<br />Her hair is matted daily with adult anxieties twisted more tightly with juvenile jeers. She is<br />lost somewhere as are all those childhood cares like Barbies and boys, games and toys.joysofboys3https://www.blogger.com/profile/03104637888924438724noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-55257034844102000902016-07-08T23:02:19.989-07:002016-07-08T23:02:19.989-07:00Oooh I love the mind racing, conversations so in y...Oooh I love the mind racing, conversations so in your head of middle school. Nailed the voice and tone. I liked the first line information but was marred by her name then continuance of speaking. Maybe put her name at the end of that first paragraph.<br />I'd love to read more too see how and when a confrontation takes place between these two and who comes out on top. Do they remain friends? Should they?<br /><br />joysofboys3https://www.blogger.com/profile/03104637888924438724noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-73906903447089733782016-07-08T20:57:25.410-07:002016-07-08T20:57:25.410-07:00Well, now I feel badly about touching a Richard Ru...Well, now I feel badly about touching a Richard Russo-like first line by combining two! My issue was the repetition of the word Milton three times in two lines, so that's why I combined. Don't listen to me... listen to Nora. I've sold three books. She's sold 13+ <3 :Dgae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-41056140987903940262016-07-08T20:48:52.763-07:002016-07-08T20:48:52.763-07:00Yay! Can't wait to read more. I hope Lo-la? is...Yay! Can't wait to read more. I hope Lo-la? is found. :\ <3gae polisnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.com