tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post197101801208094545..comments2024-03-25T11:29:49.222-07:00Comments on That Wee Bit Heap: Friday Feedback: How to Keep Going When Your Inner Critic Chimes In, A Few Words About Querying, and a Standing Offer. gae polisnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10491813685110351809noreply@blogger.comBlogger30125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-18033978982002883302014-08-19T17:20:44.029-07:002014-08-19T17:20:44.029-07:00Dear Gae and Sarah,
Thanks for the motivating post...Dear Gae and Sarah,<br />Thanks for the motivating posts, the wonderful offer, and congrats to Linda! (Sorry to post so late- just catching up.)<br /><br />AndreaAndrea P.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-27232598999740817162014-08-17T17:58:44.400-07:002014-08-17T17:58:44.400-07:00Elissa, Wow. Your last lines cut deep. Beautiful w...Elissa, Wow. Your last lines cut deep. Beautiful writing, engaging start that makes me want to dive into your story and not come up until it is done. The only place I stumbled was "as she scoops him up to carry him for a bath" because it made me think she was already to him, and I had to go back. There is so much in this short section, so much revealed about the characters and the setting.Janenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-35112879898139488222014-08-17T17:54:12.553-07:002014-08-17T17:54:12.553-07:00Oh, Valerie, I did find your comments, and thank y...Oh, Valerie, I did find your comments, and thank you. I love Kate, and am thrilled to see this glimpse of her enlistment. Her spirit is always so indomitable, it is a nice twist to see her doubts, and I like how you deftly shifed (and deflated) her excitement with the flat tire. Coming back to the LAW method, this last cliffhanger made me wonder whether Kate makes big mistakes in judgment--she seems so rock solid, I'm curious to know what her missteps are. Just goes to show how much you've done to make Kate a character I cheer for and look forward to.Janenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-38840450031630278672014-08-16T14:58:23.465-07:002014-08-16T14:58:23.465-07:00Oh, it's wonderful, Valerie! Did I know Kate h...Oh, it's wonderful, Valerie! Did I know Kate had enlisted? I only knew she was teaching right? So exciting! And I love how you left us hanging here. So modern a gal. Just love her to bits, and you! Keep going! <br /><br />p.s. "They slewed along the road at an angle..." Never heard the verb slew... now I have to go look it up. <3Gae Polisnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-11578939002997597672014-08-16T14:54:52.265-07:002014-08-16T14:54:52.265-07:00never mind, it also showed up in the body of your ...never mind, it also showed up in the body of your other comment, Valerie!Gae Polisnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-5520856555918361172014-08-16T14:54:09.404-07:002014-08-16T14:54:09.404-07:00Gah, this is showing up as Guest! I need you to pu...Gah, this is showing up as Guest! I need you to put your name with it!Gae Polisnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-89524513389058797332014-08-15T20:17:39.365-07:002014-08-15T20:17:39.365-07:00And I DID read the capitons. I forgot to put that ...And I DID read the capitons. I forgot to put that in, and to say how much I love your Raffle***ter scheme.Valerie Steinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-49752536347206156842014-08-15T20:11:52.524-07:002014-08-15T20:11:52.524-07:00I so agree with Gae, Terry! Such great imagery.I so agree with Gae, Terry! Such great imagery.Valerie Steinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-15936948506586638062014-08-15T20:10:28.009-07:002014-08-15T20:10:28.009-07:00Gae and Jane, I love how you edited each other the...Gae and Jane, I love how you edited each other the same way, and you are both right... ;-) Both of your pieces are so wonderful, I hope Jane finds this comment too. Both your pieces are so full of images I can really imagine.<br /><br />Sigh. I almost didn't make it over here. I'm actually actively working this set of scenes for second edits right now, so perfect timing. And I won't won't won't be critical of me, because hey, I removed the word 'limpingly" from this excerpt just moments ago. I've gotten through the thrid pass on some sections back to stuff I haven't seen in many months. It's fun. And - limpingly????? Kate is on her way to enlist, getting a ride with friend Donny. I hope I didn't post this same scene last year but I don't think so. Still working the last paragraph but if I don't post it now, I won't get a chance later. Love love you all. I've learned so much, again. <br /><br />***<br /><br />“Oh, yes, I’m sure that I am the wizard of the hen house,” Kate laughed, trying to relax. She felt so nervous. She knew her mind; this was just the thing she wanted. Maybe that was why she was so keyed-up, then. She was finally doing what she wanted. <br /><br />With a terrific bang, the truck swerved. Donny struggled to muscle it under control, swearing under his breath. They slewed along the road at an angle, jerking and thudding until he was finally able to slow and pull to the side of the road.<br /><br />Sighing, he exited the truck and headed straight for the front to bend over what he saw there. In disgust, he kicked the blown tire.<br /><br />“Sorry, Kate, you’d best climb out and find a place to sit a spell. Got us a flat. I do have a spare, thankfully. Lots of folks don’t bother, but I just hate having to patch a tire on the road.”<br /><br />Kate hated to make him change the tire himself, but he refused her offer of assistance, maintaining that she had to stay “pretty for them Navy folks,” and shooed her away to sit under the patch of shade thrown by a scraggly alder tree nearby.<br /><br />Twenty minutes later, they were under way again, Donny with a black smear across his cheek, and Kate with a new set of creases in the back of her dress, but none the worse for wear. She was glad for the fact that they were moving again, though it now felt as if all control had been taken out of her hands in some way. She was torn when they finally arrived, half glad that the waiting to get here was over, half afraid she had made the biggest mistake of her life.Valerie Steinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-22088217857079954662014-08-15T19:50:16.506-07:002014-08-15T19:50:16.506-07:00Thank you, Gae. I will miss you looking over my sh...Thank you, Gae. I will miss you looking over my shoulder and encouraging me. You are a terrific cheerleader and I adore you.Terry Turnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-22531663557022668652014-08-15T17:23:55.361-07:002014-08-15T17:23:55.361-07:00Rebecca, so glad it's been a good experience f...Rebecca, so glad it's been a good experience for you! And yay for being at the beach, and for moms and for still wanting to post. I love this lovely little moment of captured sibling rhythm... don't we all know this feeling, sitting listening to our parents for some clue bigger than we even know? Wonderful and I love the opening descriptive of the car! Keep going!Gae Polisnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-63122291840634442132014-08-15T17:12:57.690-07:002014-08-15T17:12:57.690-07:00your writing takes my breath away.your writing takes my breath away.Gae Polisnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-81003986165184257222014-08-15T13:52:29.461-07:002014-08-15T13:52:29.461-07:00Gae, I love everything about the idea of this book...Gae, I love everything about the idea of this book, and even this short piece gives a sense of complexity between the characters. There are so many things I am curious to know about the MC, the girl and the whole situation. I hope editing goes quickly so we can look forward to another new release soon!<br /><br />***<br /><br />Ok, since it's our last day, I should be thinking endings but I'm going to share what I didn't share way back at the start. This is the opening paragraphs to my first ch, when you first meet Carinne & Liam, mother & son. Any feedback is welcome -- it's not a new draft, so it's fair game to be picky.<br /><br />*<br /><br />There is a young boy in the garden behind his small brick house on Edka Street, beneath spreading oak limbs, kneeling at the edge of the grass, his knees in fresh-turned soil under the fragrantly blooming lilacs which he is just old enough to know are his mother’s favorite. From the kitchen window, his mother sees first that he has uprooted at least one of the fragile impatiens she finished planting only yesterday and dries her hands to go to him.<br /> <br />The image will stay with Carinne long, not for the overturned flowers. Her son frozen, his left hand deep in soil, his chin turned skyward, distracted from his digging by the roar of a plane passing overhead,<br />his eyes riveted on the tiny silver spark of metal at the front of the foamy white line being drawn across the sky. He is her son and images like this emblazon themselves upon her, even as mothering goes on about its business: ready to scold him for digging up the beds, anticipating the interruption in her work as she scoops him up to carry him for a bath. She has not yet taken in what he holds in his hand. Only halfway there, perhaps, will she wonder over the fetal curl of the furry shape, thinking she does not remember him owning this stuffed animal. Only when close will she see it for what it is: his right<br />hand digging a hole in the garden, his mind paused over the passing jet, his left hand raised to cradle a small, stiff corpse.<br /> <br />She will not remember in the same way he does the day some weeks earlier that she found a dead bird. Had he not been with her, it would have been a non-event, the bird scooped up with a shovel or protective mitt of newspaper and tossed in the large can in the garage, hopefully close enough to trash day to not have time to begin to stink. Only, he had been there -- physical conscience at her heels, a tiny sponge shadowing her to absorb every necessary truth about life – so she had chosen to teach him about dignity and had inadvertently taught him about death.<br /> <br />She had taken him out back to the foot of the oak tree where they never planted flowers, so no risk of re-exhuming the body, and dug a<br />little hole between the roots. She did not make too much of it. She only asked him to collect dry leaves or weed-flowers from the grass in order to distract his little hands from their curious need to touch everything.<br /> <br />“Is it sleeping?” he asked.<br /> <br />“No, Tigerbear. The bird is dead. His soul has gone on to live in heaven. He doesn’t need his body anymore. He is done with it.”<br /> <br />It had been done, over with, one of the million tiny mothering moments of any day.<br /> <br />It had been more for Liam. She did not know that nearly every day for the next week or more he had dug the bird back up, uncovering the rolled shroud of paper towels and plastic bag, unfurling them until the bird lay again at his feet. To her, the body was something soon bug-ridden and rotten; to him, it held the fascination of a bird stopped in motion to be seen up close, the wonder of how black feathers held in them the full rainbow iridescence of gasoline droplets on water. Are you still there? his little boy mind needed to know. What do you look like today?Elissa Fieldnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-34350114623564055612014-08-15T08:33:26.668-07:002014-08-15T08:33:26.668-07:00I am posting this from my phone while sitting on t...I am posting this from my phone while sitting on the beach with my mother who keeps asking me WHAT am I doing??!! My summer is ending this weekend, and I have loved TW! Thank you for an amazing summer!<br /><br />She waited until she heard the door slam and the sound of their old, exhausted car started up. The car was one of the many things that Penelope and Simon heard their parents arguing about when they were supposed to be asleep.<br />One night Simon found Penelope sitting in the hall, listening to her parents from behind their closed door.<br />“What are you still doing up?” After Simon turned sixteen he acted like he didn’t have a bedtime anymore, and that he was in charge of Penelope’s. Even though it was an hour after her bedtime, Penelope thought that someone who still chewed with his mouth open and smelled like an ape had no business telling her when she was supposed to be in bed.<br />“Shhh, I want to see who wins.” Penelope’s mom hated the car. It was old, the interior was torn, and it smelled like leftover meatballs. Her dad insisted everything could be fixed, if her mom would just carpool or take the bus for a few days to let him figure out why it sometimes stalled. Penelope hated the car too, when it backfired people on the sidewalks stared at them, or ducked, since it was really loud.<br />“You know you aren’t supposed to be eavesdropping. Go to bed.”<br />Penelope knew Simon would tell on her if she didn’t budge. But she knew who would win anyway, because there was no money for a new car. And her dad really didn’t know how to fix cars, he just liked to keep busy.Rebeccanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-84140847742270583292014-08-15T08:19:16.261-07:002014-08-15T08:19:16.261-07:00Duh, me! It's right there in your lead in! Sky...Duh, me! It's right there in your lead in! Skyler. As in Frankie Sky/Schyler! Double Duh! :) Can you tell how tired I might be? <3Gae Polisnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-21434051450333466122014-08-15T08:17:21.399-07:002014-08-15T08:17:21.399-07:00Thank you so much, Gae and Terry. I appreciate the...Thank you so much, Gae and Terry. I appreciate the suggestions and especially the love for Skyler and Dale Evans. That means so much to me.Janenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-12955611632330125352014-08-15T08:14:38.898-07:002014-08-15T08:14:38.898-07:00Kristina, what a lovely, descriptive piece. So muc...Kristina, what a lovely, descriptive piece. So much to fill the senses: sight and sound and a visceral early-morning feel. <br /><br /><br />Since it's still a new, obviously-raw journal piece, I'm not offering any constructive crit whatsoever. Just enjoying the loveliness of it, and all it evokes, which is plenty! Keep writing!Gae Polisnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-67297967853148485672014-08-15T07:45:37.525-07:002014-08-15T07:45:37.525-07:00Ah, Jane, we're on a roll, since I love Dale E...Ah, Jane, we're on a roll, since I love Dale Evans, too! Wish I knew your MC's name... do I?! Love the little touches in this scene -- there's humor (the Welcome Wagon line) and poignancy, and great visuals "sudden brightness of the sun..." etc. One place I think you can pull back is feeling the need to tell us how almost each line of dialogue is said, especially since you have so successfully set the scene and chosen words etc. so that by the time we get to, " I blurt, sounding like a complete idiot." We get that she's already feeling this and read it right in. Which is funny, since we've basically given each other the same sort of feedback! Which goes to show you why a second set of objective eyes are so darned good! <br /><br />But like you said, minor and nitpicky! I'm wanting to know what happens with your MC and Dale Evans! Keep going!Gae Polisnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-81220980960464367632014-08-15T07:34:40.405-07:002014-08-15T07:34:40.405-07:00Margaret, too, I love Blessen and Harmony. And you...Margaret, too, I love Blessen and Harmony. And your descriptions are so visual as well. I love that it's an angel tree, I love the sleepy feel of the church with its bursts of stained glass, and the pressure to be honest with an adult. All wonderful. <br /><br />I think you may be missing the word "broke" here? <br /><br />I don’t know for sure. But she<br />fell, and her arm.” <br /><br /><br /><br />As for time... sometimes there are just periods when we can't or don't make time. I feel a new burst of writing energy just around the corner. <3 <br /><br /><br />Keep going!Gae Polisnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-14505726876892535072014-08-15T07:29:46.333-07:002014-08-15T07:29:46.333-07:00hah! See?! I hadn't read Jane's comment fi...hah! See?! I hadn't read Jane's comment first... we are all in love with Owen. And that is pretty much everything. Also, the poignancy of the last sentences... beautiful!Gae Polisnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-36093795467753878712014-08-15T07:28:55.164-07:002014-08-15T07:28:55.164-07:00Oh, Terry! First your piece. Here's the thing ...Oh, Terry! First your piece. Here's the thing -- and to me, as a writer, almost the only thing that matters: I LOVE Owen. I am rooting for him. I long to see him in print. And I love the simplicity of the opening line of this section. "No one fed Lola breakfast." That. <br /><br />I'm so excited for you and this story. Whatever it is, it needs to be written and told. Keep going.<br /><br />p.s. as for your comments on my piece, thank you. Interesting about the inset ... I was thinking the boys are not minors... 18+ and thinking of the freshman lacrosse players a few years ago who did have their faces plastered everywhere... so I'll go back and clarify if need be! Thank you!Gae Polisnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-33262353524739765072014-08-15T07:24:19.864-07:002014-08-15T07:24:19.864-07:00good for you, Shirley! ;) First one to be really p...good for you, Shirley! ;) First one to be really paying close attention. *hands you a cookie* Glad the piece is working for you. Let's hope the whole thing works for my agent! ;) *breathes* Have a great school year and keep writing! <3Gae Polisnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-14883548999848305372014-08-15T05:40:10.171-07:002014-08-15T05:40:10.171-07:00Thank you, Jane. It's so reassuring when a sce...Thank you, Jane. It's so reassuring when a scene conveys what I've hoped for.Terry Turnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-1745209119815691692014-08-15T05:39:35.513-07:002014-08-15T05:39:35.513-07:00Jane-
I've loved your shares this summer too. ...Jane-<br />I've loved your shares this summer too. I'm so glad you're here. <br />I love how Skyler is trying so hard to be friendly, and Dale is so uncertain how to interpret her. I love Dale, of course, and I'm getting a feel of Skyler here as well. (Although I'd really love to see how she interrupted/broke up the bullying.) You balance the signs of Dale's emotions (eyes widening) with the setting (bright sun and the weight of his backpack beautifully. <br />I don't see anything I'd alter, frankly. (I'm trying to use LAW strategy here.) I wonder how Skyler is going to become friends with Dale. I wonder what Dale might be hiding. I wonder what Skyler is like and I'd love to read more of your story. <br />TerryTerry Turnernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3782322998406687709.post-1711523818616802682014-08-15T05:22:13.496-07:002014-08-15T05:22:13.496-07:00Your excerpt pulled me right in! I really want to...Your excerpt pulled me right in! I really want to know what happens next. I even googled the park incident mentioned because it seemed so real I thought maybe it was a real incident.<br /><br /> This piece is something I wrote in my journal but thought I could work it into my story...<br /><br /> This morning was very still, so I decided to take the canoe out before breakfast. With a hollow clunk the canoe turned over and I dragged it to the lake, scraping over the stones on the shore, and dropping it with a kerplunk to splash onto the water. I had to walk out on the pier to maneuver myself clumsily into the rowing position. Once I was in the canoe, we were graceful together. I paddled along the shore wondering at all the mansions that have replaced the ramshackle cottages. Here and there a lonely reminder stands amidst the almost new, already for sale palaces.<br /> There wasn't much wildlife to be seen, so I decided to go under the grade. To do this, one has to hunker down in the the canoe, so once again I was grace-less. As I came out on the other side, a driver going across Whalen's Grade peered at me in concern. No worries- just a crazy girl out early in the morning in a canoe...<br /> Instead of lily pads and frogs, all that was to be seen were globs and slop of algae, so I quickly went back under the grade, driven home by hunger. The lake was now rippled by the wind, so I returned just in time.Kristina Paustiannoreply@blogger.com