Friday, June 21, 2019

Friday Feedback: Will this Be Your Summer to Fly? (and. . . the Rules).


One of the perks of sticking with it?
getting to meet and hang with some of your own personal heroes!
Here, with the truly awesome human, Chris Crutcher.


"I've always wanted to write a book."

You've been saying this for years.

Or, better yet, you started a book years ago, but never found the wherewithal to finish.

So, what exactly are you waiting for??

Oh right:

              The right moment.

              Enough time.

              Proof you can really get it done.

Proof it won't suck.

Proof you don't suck.

Proof you won't have wasted all that time.



Yeah, forgive me for laughing, but . . . good luck with that.

Because no matter how long you wait (AND if you're me -- and most the writers I know -- it won't matter how long you actually are published for,) you are never going to have ANY of those occur.

Not time.

Not proof.

Not really.

At least not without YOU drilling opposite messages into your head. Here they are:

The time is now.

THIS
is the right moment.

There will NEVER be more time than there is now.

There will NEVER BE enough time.

Ever.

And, there is absolutely no proof you can get it done. Like, zero. Well, except for the empirical fact that you have hands that type, presumably a laptop (or writers notebook, or very long scroll of toilet paper), a brain that works (most days), and a pen. Therefore nothing but YOU is stopping you.

You're welcome.

But seriously. Very few of us have the luxury to just start out as writers (or ever do nothing other than write to support ourselves). The first complete manuscript I ever wrote took me five years. When I started it, I had a colicky, impossible toddler, a baby in my tummy, and worked from home as a lawyer writing per diem motion papers and representing a few of my own clients on the side.

By the time I finished the manuscript, I had a six year old, a four year old, and was working three-quarters time running my own law practice. Oh, and p.s. that book never sold. Never saw the light of day. Nor did the one I wrote after it.

ALL my writing during those years took place from 10 pm - 3 am, and, yeah, some mornings I was very very tired.

Here's something else, with a fifth and sixth book coming out in 2020 from major publishers, I STILL don't know if I can do it again. I still don't know if I'm wasting my time. If I have anything to say that's worthy of all the effort and revision and rejection. So that most days, surfing the internet and ordering clothes from Free People is way easier than butt-in-chair to see what -- if anything -- comes out of me.

And, then, somehow, I do it. I write that page.
That sentence.
That scene.

The one that makes my heart race, that comes up out of me from who knows where (though, once in a while, I have an idea...)?

The one that sends me chasing after the next sentence, after the characters, and, eventually, the whole of their story waiting to unfold.

And I let them march forward (knowing I can change it all later if I want to), let the characters take up enough words, enough moments in my head, that they start to occupy this space that's less thought and more magic. And just a tiny bit of promise. I allow them the space to come alive and remind me that THEY have something to say.



I have NO idea if this is the right place to start, but it's
A place to start, which is better than not ever starting at all. 


I focus not on the book/story at first, but the small moments, the characters, and hope they will be enough to bring me back a second day and sustain me.

So, for now, STOP worrying about the big picture, and march forward with the small.

STOP asking if you have the time, and make (take) it.

START somewhere.

And once you do, don't turn back. Not now. Later you'll know whether that was the right ultimate starting spot, but right now, if you are typing, it is.

And STOP asking if your words will be good enough, and just write them.

You can change them later. I promise. And you will.

But there is nothing to make pretty if you never write it at all.

Having said that, welcome to Friday Feedback! And, hey, guess what? I'm in your shoes. Working on something new and I'm not quite sure what it is. The working title is EDGES and you've seen a few glimpses above. In a minute, I'm going to share an excerpt with you from the opening for your feedback (because that's how this works). Then, you do the same in the comments.

If you are a first time participant, before you get started, please read -- and abide by -- the rules!!!

But first, in case you've gotten here, and you still don't know how it works:

How it works. Easy peasy:

Every week, I -- or one of my awesome guest authors -- will share a tiny bit of writing wisdom followed by an excerpt of our own ROUGH, UNPUBLISHED writing for your feedback. In return, we offer you the same opportunity: to share a brief excerpt in the comments for feedback from us -- AND from other campers!). 

See? Simple.

Now, HERE ARE THE RULES: 

1. The Feedback should always be given in this order:

  • WHAT WORKS (and why)?;
  • WHAT MIGHT NOT BE WORKING if anything (and why)?; and
  • ARE YOU COMPELLED TO KEEP READING?

Please note the order of those. Here at Friday Feedback, our first goal is to be encouraging. We highlight the gems in one another's writing before we offer up constructive criticism. If you launch in with constructive criticism, I will hunt you down and fine you. Okay, well, I will hunt you down and scold you. :) 

2. The excerpts should not exceed three (3) paragraphs, if long, five (5) paragraphs if mostly dialogue or otherwise short. This rule holds even if I, or my guest authors, post a longer excerpt. If you put up more than the requested length, we do not promise to read beyond the stated limits. And PLEASE DON'T MAKE US CLICK ON A LINK TO READ YOUR EXCERPT ELSEWHERE!!! If you're having trouble posting, feel free to email me at g.polisner@gmail.com

You may post excerpts through Saturday and I will check in, but I do not require my guest authors to read past close of business Friday. 

3. We ask you to remember that this is just for illustrative and enjoyment purposes. There is only so much we can realistically glean from a brief excerpt out of context. Friday Feedback is intended to be instructional and inspiring, but please know our feedback out of context of a full work must always be taken as merely that. Your job here is to take in the information as you will. Keep what you like. Toss what you don't. In the end, you are the boss of your own writing.

4. You may be the recipient of one of my patented "Superspeed Flash Edits."

Okay, fine, they're not patented, whatever. Sometimes, if your excerpt lends itself to me doing one of these, I will do so: namely, zip through your piece editing for passive voice (where not intended) unneeded words, wrong punctuation, repetition, etc.

I will NOT edit your own unique voice or substantive writing. This is an exercise intended to demonstrate how revision/clean up/intentional writing can truly make our voices pop and shine. And this is almost always SECOND DRAFT STUFF -- the stuff of REVISION -- when you are sharing first draft stuff, and so, again, is merely intended to make you aware of potential tics and such that take away from your own beautiful work, so you can get on that stuff DOWN THE ROAD.

If you do NOT want to be the recipient of a Superspeed Flash Edit for any reason, please message me at g.polisner@gmail.com and I'll remember not to edit you, or even say so right in the comments. :) 

5. To elaborate on one of the points above. . . I know many of you work summers and may not find time to post your excerpt until late Friday evening. I do not ask any of my guest authors to return Saturday, but some of them are willing. I will often return Saturday morning to give stragglers feedback. Please don't post beyond that. Please note that Friday Feedback takes a lot of work if the comments are busy, and my, and my guest authors', time is offered to you for free as a source of inspiration and encouragement. If you participate here, please order my newest title, IN SIGHT OF STARS, or any of my other titles if they appeal more to you, and when possible, please order the newest title of my guest authors. If you are unable to purchase copies, it is almost as good to reach out to your local library and ask them to order it in if they don't have it already! 


And, now, without further ado (because that was already a LOT of ado), here's the current very opening of EDGES. Believe you me, I'm nearly as nervous as you are to share, especially since it's not my usual comfort zone of YA. But, too bad for me. So, here it goes:




Twenty-three Years Later.
Paul

Paul Sobel stares at the ceiling thinking about some damned bird, as he has been doing for -- well, how many hours has it been now?
He lifts his wrist out of habit to check, but of course he stopped wearing a watch ages ago. God forbid he didn’t give in and learn to use that damned cell phone for everything, like everyone else does. Time. Internet. Weather. Texting, for God’s sake. Texting. All forms of human contact. A damned slave to some metal and glass box filled with pixels, helpless to function when you suddenly find you don’t have one on you.
Well, honestly, then, he has no idea what time it is.
It could be 8 pm. It could be midnight. Hell, it could be 2 am.
His stomach growls, and he wonders vaguely, again, how many messages are piled up on his cell phone where he left it on the kitchen counter when he headed down.
Down to the freezer to get some ice cream.
If June were here, none of this would have happened.
But the bird? The bird? What was that thing called again? Maybe it’s the loss of blood affecting his memory, or the pain in his low back and right shoulder, now replaced with a tingling nothingness. Or maybe it’s simply hunger and lack of movement. He’s barely eaten since yesterday.
A Casserole! No, no, of course not. That’s not it. That’s food. This was a huge emu or ostrich type thing that looked even more vicious and prehistoric.
A Cassoulet. Hah, no! Food, again. Some sort of pork and bean dish?
He laughs out loud at this, so hard he begins to cry. Stupid old pansy-ass is flat out crying, his whole upper body wracked with sobs.

---------
xox gae (see you in the comments!!)








26 comments:

  1. Wow, Gae! 1. What works - POV, 1st person, you letting me get into the MC's head immediately. The stream of consciousness in the MC's thought process which makes this feels immediate and real. I now care about Paul 2. What may not be working: I am left w/a lot of questions & that's good as this is the beginning of the ms. But I feel a bit lost - who is June? Did he fall or is he sick? And at the end of this excerpt, you are in 3rd person right? 3. Yes, I am compelled to continue as I am wondering about this MC. I am interested. And, as you can see, I want more information. TY for putting yourself out there for us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your feedback. Yes, a LOT unanswered in this (current) opening chapter. I'm also realizing how often I open my stories with a character who is right in the midst of confusion (THE MEMORY OF THINGS, IN SIGHT OF STARS... and even THE PULL OF GRAVITY, Nick is in a fever state...) Kinda interesting, no? I'm off to read you! Thanks for feedback.

      Delete
    2. I’m so excited my broken Marriage has been restored. “We recently made up, even though it was difficult. It’s been more than a month now, and everything feels like it’s returned to normal. He has began to treat me better, and it’s been a healing process for both of us. The nightmare that had lasted for almost 2 years before we broke up is finally over. It’s like we fell in love all over again! We’ve both put the past behind us, and are trying to move forward – and for the first time in a long time, the future looks a lot brighter. I can’t express in words how grateful I am Dr Great! It’s like we’ve finally rediscovered those things about each other that made us fall in love in the first place. All of the worrying and stress has simply vanished. Thank you Dr Great for saving my broken Marriage and brought my husband back to me!”. Me and my husband are living together happily again.. All thanks to Dr Great. If you have any problem contact Dr Great now and i guarantee you that he will help you contact him through

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      I’m so excited my broken Marriage has been restored. “We recently made up, even though it was difficult. It’s been more than a month now, and everything feels like it’s returned to normal. He has began to treat me better, and it’s been a healing process for both of us. The nightmare that had lasted for almost 2 years before we broke up is finally over. It’s like we fell in love all over again! We’ve both put the past behind us, and are trying to move forward – and for the first time in a long time, the future looks a lot brighter. I can’t express in words how grateful I am Dr Great! It’s like we’ve finally rediscovered those things about each other that made us fall in love in the first place. All of the worrying and stress has simply vanished. Thank you Dr Great for saving my broken Marriage and brought my husband back to me!”. Me and my husband are living together happily again.. All thanks to Dr Great. If you have any problem contact Dr Great now and i guarantee you that he will help you contact him through

      infinitylovespell@gmail.com or infinitylovespell@yahoo.com

      WhatsApp +2348118829899

      website http://infinitylovespell.website2.me/

      blog http://infinitylovespell1.blogspot.com




      I’m so excited my broken Marriage has been restored. “We recently made up, even though it was difficult. It’s been more than a month now, and everything feels like it’s returned to normal. He has began to treat me better, and it’s been a healing process for both of us. The nightmare that had lasted for almost 2 years before we broke up is finally over. It’s like we fell in love all over again! We’ve both put the past behind us, and are trying to move forward – and for the first time in a long time, the future looks a lot brighter. I can’t express in words how grateful I am Dr Great! It’s like we’ve finally rediscovered those things about each other that made us fall in love in the first place. All of the worrying and stress has simply vanished. Thank you Dr Great for saving my broken Marriage and brought my husband back to me!”. Me and my husband are living together happily again.. All thanks to Dr Great. If you have any problem contact Dr Great now and i guarantee you that he will help you contact him through

      infinitylovespell@gmail.com or infinitylovespell@yahoo.com

      WhatsApp +2348118829899

      website http://infinitylovespell.website2.me/

      blog http://infinitylovespell1.blogspot.com

      Delete
  2. My excerpt: Gabi’s Pantry Place
    by Kathy Halsey

    I rub Muffin’s belly and check the cupboard for treats. Nothing.
    “Today is pantry day, Muffin. Hope we find kibble for you.”
    I hug him tight. His fur warms my face like the second sweater I pull on since Momma turned down the furnace.
    I look up at the calendar. Two days ‘til she gets paid, but we got the pantry to help.
    Pantry’s like a grocery store for folks who need it. What’s inside is always a surprise. You never know what you’re gonna find at the pantry.
    We huff-puff up the hill – Momma with her roll-y cart and me with my wagon. The pantry has rules . . . only so much for each family. The pantry’s got lots of folks to feed.
    We stand. We wait. Momma’s gotta show a card for us to shop. We’re next in line. Will there be enough?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good morning.

      I love the description of the pantry. And the how you've painted a world of harshness already for your main character and yet have made them sound hopeful at the same time. Congrats. Yes, I would read more, I want to know why they are having to live like this right now. What happened?

      I would maybe just expand what it's like for them standing in line. How is the crowd around them? You've done such a good job with the describing, I'd like to see what you come up with for this.

      Keep going, it sounds special.

      Delete
    2. Kathy, I utterly love this!!! What a great way to start Friday Feedback. The voice is wonderful, especially here, where you make such perfect choices:

      "We huff-puff up the hill – Momma with her roll-y cart and me with my wagon."

      Nothing constructive right now. It's all working and I totally, totally, want more.

      Keep going!

      Delete
    3. I love the voice of your character, too. I already have an image of her in my head. I love it when writers give a strong sense of voice to their characters; when I read them to my students, it makes it easier to model good reading fluency, and the kids get into the characters right away.
      There's also a good sense that something is about to happen. I want to know more.

      Delete
    4. Oh, my. TY, Gae, David and earth. It is one of my heart stories. I'm a pastor's wife and we've worked at food pantries for years. I want to show those of us who don't have food insecurities how human, and familiar the people really are. It could be any of us in a certain set of circumstances. We need more stories that feature poverty or those who do w/very little. It's a PB.

      Delete
  3. Dear Gae,

    First, thank so much for doing this again this year. Your session was always a highlight for me. And thanks for sharing your journey when you started out. Sharing all you went through and then the book didn't' sell, but you kept at it and that is so encouraging. I am looking for that first novel sale and querying right now and it's daunting as the manuscripts I've written stack on the shelf, but encouragement like you offer keeps me at it, so thanks.

    Feedback time. I know titles often get changed, but I love the working title you are using right now. I like the watch/telling time with your phone comparaison and how it would feel if you have neither.

    What might not be working? When you comment about him heading down, I get that you're probably meaning the basement? I had to stop and think about that and it kind of pulled me out of the moment.

    Would I keep reading? Yes, I want to know why he's bleeding, great job of setting that mystery up by the way. Best wishes as you continue to write.

    I would like to share a few paragraphs from my current WIP a YA with a touch of fantasy, something new for me. The working title is Moon Over The Mountain.

    The waitress pauses at my table and shoots me a look. I follow her gaze to the piece of burnt toast that I've hacked into small, jagged pieces. I set down my knife and smile. No need to think insanity reigns here. It's just me, Red Carrington, being impatient and pissed that Carrie is late for our meeting.

    The waitress moves on. I pick the knife up and attack the other piece of charred toast. How can anyone burn toast? My dad made perfect toast. Any kind, white, wheat, oat, cinnamon, thick or thin. Never once did he burn it, he even spread it with just the right amount of butter. Man, I miss his toast. And his smile and his laughter and the rough feel of his skin against mine when he held my hand.

    The toast cracks in two and scatters crumbs across the table. I brush them to the floor. I tell myself I shouldn't act like this. I should act instead like Hannah. Hannah is sweet and kind. She's hopeful and helpful, always full of perk and wisdom. Hannah is good at giving advice that can turn your crappy world into a life of wonder. Hannah would never brush crumbs on the floor. I hate her, even though she is my creation.

    There you have it. Thanks so much, Gae.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great sense of setting.
      Using something simple like the toast to show Red's impatience is a nice example of "show, don't tell." LOVE the sentence "No need to think insanity reigns here."
      The stuff about the dad and Hannah is also working for me. I like how it shows what's going on emotionally inside Red without ever telling me how he/she "feels."
      Having the character call themselves by their own name inside their head seems a bit forced. Do I need to know the name at that moment? If not, then I'd suggest waiting for a more natural way to tell the reader. We can wait a bit. (Even something as simple as if Carrie shows up she can just say "Hi, Red").
      The last line is a great! All of that personal stuff about Hannah, and then "she is my creation." I definitely need to know what's going on here.

      Delete
    2. That's a nice point David makes about the name. Didn't necessarily bother me. .. but I noticed it. A small thing to pay attention to down the road. Love the same sentence you highlighted, too, David. :)

      Delete
    3. 1. Martha, love the character's name, "Red." That choice makes me feel she must be special or something is coming down the road to explain the unusual name! Also feel her longing of her dad is so acute juxtaposed aligns the simple problem of burnt toast. Very well-rendered. 2. I didn't get the sense of fantasy until Hannah came into the picture, but I'm sure this depends on where we are in the ms as this is an excerpt. 3. Yes, I'm hooked. I am very cruise about Hannah and it seems she has love-hate relationship w/her. I'm kinda wondering if Hannah is an "alter-ego."

      Delete
  4. Oh, Martha, we are two for two so far this morning -- this is WONDERFUL!! and makes me so glad I decided to do another summer of FF.

    Not crit right now, just gems . . . I love this: "How can anyone burn toast? My dad made perfect toast. Any kind, white, wheat, oat, cinnamon, thick or thin. Never once did he burn it, he even spread it with just the right amount of butter" because even before I got to the next line, I knew from the "voice" and the moment that the dad was no longer around... isn't that amazing? Such a tiny detail.

    I'm so intrigued to know about Hannah, and that last line... that last line. Cannot wait to read more!

    Keep going!!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. It's funny that Kathy mentioned POV because that's the first thing I noticed -- I care about this guy immediately even though we're in third person.
    I like that you start with "Twenty-Three Years Later." Starting with "Twenty-Three Years AGO" would be more typical, so this immediately gets my attention.
    I like the almost casual tone of this opening, contrasted with the revealing of the fact that he is in a serious predicament.
    I think the stuff about the phone is a bit cliche ( being " a slave" to something). If it's important, I bet you will find a better way to show us that in a later draft.
    This grabs me and make me want to know more. What led up to this? How did he end up on the floor, unable to get up? What's with the #@%^ing bird?!
    I love reading first chapters. This opening is definitely working for me. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the feedback... noted. And glad it's working. Hope it works enough to carry me through... looking forward to reading your first excerpt of the summer!

      Delete
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  7. Here's the opening of my new upper MG project, working title "The G-NOC Device."

    I’m supposed to take the bus back to my uncle’s house after school, but it’s only two miles if I cut through the woods, and anything that keeps me out of that house for an extra hour is OK with me. The path starts behind the school, follows along the fence at the back of the industrial park, then curves out to the state highway. Once I get there, it’s only a five-minute walk to my Uncle Dalton’s house.

    I never call it home. It’s just my uncle’s house.

    If you’re lucky, you get to see the security truck through the fence and across the field. If you’re really good, you can hang out in front of one of the security cameras and get the security guys to start walking across the field with their dogs. Bobby Turrell told me his older brother got them to send up a helicopter once, but I don’t know if it’s true or if he was just teasing me. His big brother died a few years ago, so it’s not like I can ask him.

    When I get to the fence, it looks like something is going on inside. Usually you see a car or truck driving around. Today there are five cars and lots of people — not just the usual guys in security uniforms but several guys in suits. The suit guy doing most of the talking is waving his arms around a lot. He looks mad. They all look pretty serious. Now they’re pointing at the fence. It looks like today is not a good day to be playing around with them, so I keep going.

    Just before the path turns out to route 27, I think I see what’s making them so mad. There’s a hole in the fence. Several links have been cut in a vertical line, making a flap that can be pulled back. It looks big enough for a person to crawl through. Whoever did this is going to have an awesome story — better than some stupid, fake helicopter.

    Then I hear the helicopter. It lands on the field. Now I definitely don’t want to be here.

    “Hey, kid!”

    ReplyDelete
  8. David, this is good stuff because I am totally intrigued and want to know what's going on!

    I especially love this paragraph that holds a lot of unspoken information and starts to show us who your character is:

    If you’re lucky, you get to see the security truck through the fence and across the field. If you’re really good, you can hang out in front of one of the security cameras and get the security guys to start walking across the field with their dogs. Bobby Turrell told me his older brother got them to send up a helicopter once, but I don’t know if it’s true or if he was just teasing me. His big brother died a few years ago, so it’s not like I can ask him.

    A tiny little tweak for LATER revision: I'd love you to eliminate the multiple usage of the word house in the first paragraph so that "I never call it home" line packs even more of a punch. So maybe from what you have to this (so minor!):

    I’m supposed to take the bus back to my uncle Dalton's after school, but it’s only two miles if I cut through the woods, and anything that keeps me out of that house for an extra hour is OK with me. The path starts behind the school, follows along the fence at the back of the industrial park, then curves out to the state highway. Once I get there, it’s only a five-minute walk.

    I never call it home. It’s just my uncle’s house.

    Merely food for thought. I am so looking forward to learn more of what's going on here. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG, isn't it funny what we don't see in our own writing?
      That makes total sense, and it makes such a better impact if I save "house" for the last sentence. Thanks, Gae. :)

      Delete
    2. That is always a two-way street, David. The obvious stuff we can't see because we're too close. Why editors are grand. :)

      Delete
  9. Love the line about walking instead of taking the bus, it shows how much he doesn't want to go there. You've created a lot of questions in these first few paragraphs but they don't feel overwhelming, just intriguing. Press on, sounds like adventure lies ahead.

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  10. Hi Gae! Wow! 1) Another awesome story in the making. I like the intro paragraph best. I want to know more about Paul and this bird. He’s walking down the stairs...what’s going to happen? Is he having a heart attack? Seems like it from the description of the low back and right shoulder pain. Maybe it’s an old injury? 2) I don’t really need the time possibilities. The 8 pm... the last sentence before that tells me enough. He doesn’t know what time it is. 3) Yes! I want to keep reading!

    Here’s a little part of a short story: Mob Wedding

    April gets her Stabby Cat finger grip ready, and places the $200 in her bra for safe keeping. She parked a block away from the Michigan City downtown shop where “Grandma” — the seamstress — waits at the front counter to complete the wedding dress fitting.

    Bzzz! Before Grandma buzzes April in, she whispers through the intercom, “Did you bring cash?”

    Watching her newest client nod on the security monitor, the door clicks and April enters. It’s early morning, and the store hasn’t officially opened yet, but Grandma has been hard at work since 4 am.

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  12. Hi, Jennifer!!!

    Your title makes me laugh, as does the Stabby Cat finger. A lot going on here and I'm intrigued. Clearly Grandma isn't her Grandma or she wouldn't be making her bring cash... The POV shift in the last para confuses me. "Watching her newest client" is clearly Grandma's POV, and it seems it's April's POV when we began... so that little shift confuses me a bit. I'm also just not a fan of those types of participles (gosh, I used to know what they are called). But, meh, that's tiny and I want more. I'll take a few more paragraphs next time. These were short and I want to know why April's wedding has gotten the mob involved. :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hi, Gae. Sorry to post so late. I will be better next time. I love stories told in first person—the uncertainty of the narrator’s reliability, the immediacy of his thoughts, the honesty of his feelings, even when they are petty or otherwise just “human.” I know we haven’t seen a lot about Paul yet, but I get a sense of the above even from a short excerpt. I’m very curious and I want to read on (and I want to say “cassowary, Paul!”). The only issue may be a repetition of the word damned—I didn’t read through again before giving my first impression, but I think he said it 3 times in the first couple of lines.

    Jim (James) Nelson

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete